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24 Ways to Fight Without Destroying Your Relationship

Charlotte Andersen

June 1, 2017 at 12:19 PM

<p>Great couples never fight? It's exactly the opposite - in fact, fighting done right can even improve your relationship.</p>

<p>"Don't fight about more than one issue at once. It's easy when we're upset or frustrated to remember a list of grievances from the past, but it's counterproductive and it emotionally overwhelms us to deal with more than one issue at a time. Instead, try to stick to the issue at hand." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.yourchicagotherapist.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Helen Odessky;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Helen Odessky</a>, Ph.D., psychologist and author of </em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Anxiety-Stopping-You-Breakthrough/dp/1633535460?tag=syndication-20" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Stop Anxiety From Stopping You;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Stop Anxiety From Stopping You</a></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/advice/a15644/fighting-words/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:10 Things to Never Say During a Fight;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">10 Things to Never Say During a Fight</a></strong><br></p>

<p>"Emotional honesty is important. Don't hide from an argument. Sometimes, when asked 'what's wrong?' our common answer is 'nothing.' But when you're in a strong, <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g3661/things-to-never-do-in-a-healthy-relationship/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:healthy relationship;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">healthy relationship</a>, there's the opportunity for emotional honesty. You can dig deep, be brave, and speak up for yourself. Your truth may be met with confrontation at first, but, in the long run, emotional honesty offers the only chance for change, repair, and growth." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://sexandthesoma.com/holly-richmond" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Holly Richmond;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Holly Richmond</a>, Ph.D., certified sex therapist and marriage and family counselor</em></p>

<p>"While it can be easier to blame your partner, challenge yourself by reflecting on how you may be contributing to the conflict. Ask yourself how you can approach the argument more effectively." <em>-Christene Lozano, licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.merakicounselingservices.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Meraki Counseling;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Meraki Counseling</a></em></p>

<p>"Don't drag out fights. If a couple has a fight, some time apart could be necessary for everyone to calm down and think more rationally. But, <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/g2817/ruining-your-marriage/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:a refusal to make up;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">a refusal to make up</a>, especially as punishment, can create bigger problems in the long-term. By drawing out apologies and delaying the start of communication, it also prolongs the negative feelings, especially if one person wants to make up. Communicating and ending an argument in a relatively short amount of time is preferable, especially before both partners go to sleep." <em>-Jonathan Bennett, certified counselor and author at </em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://thepopularman.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:The Popular Man;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">The Popular Man</a></p>

<p>"Arguments help you figure out what you're actually fighting about - an invaluable lesson! When you delete the <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/a49098/signs-relationship-wont-last/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:details of an argument;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">details of an argument</a>, you quickly realize it wasn't about being on the phone too much, spending too much time with friends, or not picking up around the house. It's about not feeling seen and heard, not feeling cared for, feeling taken advantage of - the list of 'big picture' concerns goes on. It takes practice not to get caught up in the details of an argument, but if you stop to feel rather than think, you can address the underlying issue and stop having the same fights - with different details - over and over again." <em>-Richmond</em></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/life/advice/g3348/fighting-relationships-marriage-advice/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:12 Fights You're Not Having But Should;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">12 Fights You're Not Having But Should</a></strong><br></p>

<p>"Remove overgeneralized statements from your arguments, such as 'you never help out' or 'you always make us late.' These <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/advice/g719/how-to-stop-fights/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:blanket statements;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">blanket statements</a> often add fuel to the fire, as they make it fairly easy for your partner to find flaws in your argument." -<em>Lozano</em></p>

<p>"Never resort to name-calling or threats of leaving the relationship. These do not promote a sense of collaboration; instead, they say that you're more interested in hurting than problem-solving. And drop any notion of entitlement to hurt. Just because you're feeling frustrated, hurt, or angry does not give you the right to hurt others in response. Emotion is a part of fighting and that's OK. But it's damaging to hurt with words or threats." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://jimseibold.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Jim Seibold;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Jim Seibold</a>, Ph.D., marriage and family therapist</em></p>

<p>"Create space to feel and express your and your partner's feelings. We call this holding space. When you hold space, you allow your partner to express what they are feeling in their body while regulating your own nervous system (i.e. not attacking them for what they feel). This is best done keeping <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/sex/a46389/female-erogenous-zones/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:some sort of physical contact;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">some sort of physical contact</a>, holding a hand or cuddling. One person asks if they can hold space for the other and then simply listens and tries to get to the feeling beneath the story." <em>-Anthony David Adams, relationship mastery teacher and creator of </em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.playthelovegame.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:The Love Game;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>The Love Game</em></a></p>

<p>"Contempt is a relationship killer. It basically says you don't respect the person, you essentially hate them. Similarly, criticism can come across as a personal attack and that also causes conflicts to escalate. Practice <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/body/mental-health/a4336/emotional-healing-forgiveness/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:forgiveness;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">forgiveness</a> instead. Forgiving a partner can maintain or preserve a relationship into which an individual has invested time and resources. It's very important to think about preserving one's relationship versus winning a conflict. Sometimes one can win the battle, but ultimately lose the war." <em>-T. Joel Wade, Ph.D., Department of Psychology, Bucknell University</em></p>

<p>"Using a few simple, clear rules for <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/advice/g1689/body-language-love/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:healthy communication;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">healthy communication</a> can help resolve an argument much faster. Use 'I messages' instead of accusatory 'you statements.' Talk and listen with respect. And, perhaps most importantly, don't interrupt." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.drcarlamanly.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Carla Marie Manly;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Carla Marie Manly</a>, Ph.D., clinical psychologist</em></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g3721/things-you-should-never-say-in-a-relationship/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:45 Things You Should Never Say In a Relationship;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">45 Things You Should Never Say In a Relationship</a></strong><br></p>

<p>"Agree that fighting is acceptable and healthy. Both parties have to be ready to engage and need to trust that two people who love each other will sometimes fight. <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/a19292/can-arguing-with-your-partner-make-you-fat-cosmopolitan/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Fighting doesn't mean hating;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Fighting doesn't mean hating</a>; it's merely a process of resolving conflict between two passionate people." <em>-Dathan Paterno, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and author of </em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="https://www.amazon.com/Ladies-Gentlemen-Survival-Republic-Depends/dp/0899575277?tag=syndication-20" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Ladies and Gentlemen;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Ladies and Gentlemen</a></p>

<p>"It's important to have unity, even in an argument. 'We both want the same thing in the end' is a great way to start a conversation or an argument. It reminds you and your partner that you're not opposing each other. You may not agree, but you want the same outcome, which is a <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/advice/g2353/good-marriages-have-in-common/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:happy relationship;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">happy relationship</a>. This unification creates a perspective that is beyond the fight, and that's important for your relationship. Fights come and go, but the relationship will stay." <em>-April Masini, <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="https://forum.askapril.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:relationship expert;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">relationship expert</a> and author of </em><span>Ask April</span></p>

<p>"This old saying is true. Staying in a state of anger with your partner, rather than resolving it, will fester and create resentment that can take years to resolve. Although you may not be able to <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/a17914/signs-a-marriage-will-fail-womans-day/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:resolve every conflict or argument;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">resolve every conflict or argument</a> in one night, agree to maintain your commitment to the marriage and to your relationship's health by returning to a state of love before you go to sleep at night. Agree that you will work through the argument later if you can't before bed, but make sure that both partners feel safe, loved, and respected." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://m.alisarubybash.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Alisa Ruby Bash;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Alisa Ruby Bash</a>, Psy.D., licensed marriage and family therapist in Malibu, CA</em></p>

<p>"Both parties in a conflict need to exercise empathy. You may totally disagree or feel your partner is <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g3701/relationship-red-flags/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:being too dramatic or too sensitive;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">being too dramatic or too sensitive</a>, but it's still important to try to connect somehow to what he/she is feeling. Is it fear, anger, hurt, loneliness, resentment? You certainly can relate to those feelings. That will help you connect to your partner's issue and see it in a more empathetic light." <em>-Laura MacLeod, licensed master social worker at <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.fromtheinsideoutproject.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:The Inside Out Project;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">The Inside Out Project</a> </em></p>

<p>"The first thing that must happen before you try to resolve conflict in a relationship is to be clear on what you are fighting about. So much communication is laced with <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/advice/g2310/wife-acting-like-mother/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:previous baggage and resentment;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">previous baggage and resentment</a>, so getting clarification on the actual problem is sometimes harder than coming up with a solution. You may have to take some time to evaluate what happened and how it made you feel." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://eboniharris.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Eboni Harris;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Eboni Harris</a>, licensed marriage and family therapist in Houston, TX</em></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/features/g3279/causes-of-divorce/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:8 Habits Couples Therapists Say Always End a Marriage;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">8 Habits Couples Therapists Say Always End a Marriage</a></strong><br></p>

<p>"Remember that no matter how angry and enraged you may get, you are in a relationship with someone because you love them. Vow to maintain kindness and compassion even during conflict. If your anger feels too overwhelming, it's always important to <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/mens-perspective/advice/g1369/men-shut-down/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:take a breath, go for a walk, or take some space;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">take a breath, go for a walk, or take some space</a> until you can cool down. Not sure what to say? Try to repeat what they said back to them in your own words. Just that skill alone can make anyone feel understood and validated. That keeps the relationship grounded in love." <em>-</em><span><em>Bash</em></span></p>

<p>"Conflict is emotional, but resolution has to begin with the facts so both parties are on the same page and know exactly what they're talking about. If you're the one with the issue, explain what happened. Your partner may be surprised or unaware of the incident, or have no idea it was a big deal to you. You can talk about your feelings after you've established what happened." <em>-MacLeod</em></p>

<p>"Make sure <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/advice/g595/happy-marriage-secrets/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:every complaint turns into a compliment;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">every complaint turns into a compliment</a>. For instance, 'the reason we missed our planned sunset dinner on the porch yesterday was because you forgot to pick up the groceries. I understand your busy schedule, and am so grateful that you always volunteer to swing by the store on your way home. Why don´t you let me do it tomorrow so we can enjoy that special dinner together?'" <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.wendypatrickphd.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Wendy Patrick;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Wendy Patrick</a>, Ph.D., author and behavioral expert</em></p>

<p>"Don't fight over a text message. Let your partner know that you'd like to continue the discussion when you get back home, or make plans to meet and talk out the rest of your conflict in person. Misunderstandings can occur <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g3613/texts-long-term-couples/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:over a text message;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">over a text message</a> because you're not able to read facial clues or understand the intent behind the words, leaving you in a worse position. Looking at your partner's face and hearing their tone of voice releases the brain's feel-good hormones that produce a more relaxed state in your body, helping you to kiss and make-up." <em>-<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.sarahmandeltherapy.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Sarah Mandel;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Sarah Mandel</a>, psychotherapist, Certified Imago therapist, and relationship expert</em></p>

<p>"Anyone can take a 'time out' at any time. You may want to resolve the problem here and now or feel angry that your partner is disengaging, but when they tell you they can't talk about it now or walk away, it means that they're too activated and can't handle the intensity of their emotions in that moment. They know that things will get ugly if they continue. Chasing after them and demanding that they stay engaged will only escalate things." <em>-Rhonda Milrad, licensed social worker, relationship therapist, and founder of <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.relationup.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:RelationUp;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">RelationUp</a></em></p><p><span><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/features/g3273/am-i-emotionally-detached/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:8 Ways You're Emotionally Detached in Your Marriage Without Even Realizing It;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">8 Ways You're Emotionally Detached in Your Marriage Without Even Realizing It</a></strong><br></span></p>

<p>"When your partner shares how your behavior impacts them, don't respond by sharing how their behavior negatively impacts you. This <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4047/unbreakable-relationship-rules/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:tit for tat strategy;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">tit for tat strategy</a> undermines your understanding of their feelings and leaves your partner with the impression that you didn't really hear them or take responsibility for your behavior. Acknowledge what they are saying and then, at a later time in the conversation, share your own experience. Don't do it on the heels of their share." <i>-Milrad</i></p>

<p>"Express upset and complaints to your partner only, <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g3851/things-you-should-never-tell-people-about-your-relationship/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:not to friends or family members;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">not to friends or family members</a> (or on social media). Maintain respect in your relationship by having conversations that seek conflict resolution between the two of you." <em>-</em><span><em>Mandel</em></span></p>

<p>"Avoid <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/advice/g3839/important-marriage-conversations/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:heavy conversations;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">heavy conversations</a> during times when you're stressed, tired, distracted, or pressed for time. You will not have the psychological space or energy to participate fully in the conversation, which leaves room for added misunderstandings and insensitivity. You owe it to one another to be present and attentive to each other's issues." <em>-Shadeen Francis, marriage and family therapist </em></p>

<p>"If you and your partner are in the midst of a heated discussion, it's important to know when you may cross a line. Each relationship has its own <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/a46577/what-not-to-do-when-after-cheating/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:unique set of boundaries;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">unique set of boundaries</a> that can vary based on time, place, and intensity. How do you feel about yelling, name-calling, or disagreeing in public? It's not easy to take back wounds inflicted during arguments, so it's best to not let these moments leave lasting scars on the relationship. Make an agreement ahead of time to take a time out when you feel conversations are beyond the boundaries, and revisit the conversation when you're both less upset." <em>-Francis</em></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g3941/marriage-tips-from-longtime-couples/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:39 Longtime Couples Share the Marriage Tip That's Kept Them Together;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">39 Longtime Couples Share the Marriage Tip That's Kept Them Together</a></strong><br></p>

Great couples never fight? It's exactly the opposite — in fact, fighting done right can even improve your relationship.

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