'American Idol' ’80s Night: A Bonkers Episode for a Bonkers Decade

Boy George called the 1980s “the most bonkers decade,” so when the on/off Culture Club frontman guest-mentored on American Idol's ’80s Night this Wednesday, it was fittingly the craziest Idol episode ever.

Like, even Nicki Minaj would think it was crazy. ’80s girl Paula Abdul would think it was crazy. William Hung would think it was crazy.

The top 11 contestants were rendered in “Take On Me”-video squiggle animation. Quentin Alexander fondled a Glo-Worm and Rayvon Owen cuddled an Alf doll. Harry Connick Jr. wore a T-shirt emblazoned with “Frankie Says”-style block lettering. Jax wore a Thighmaster as a scarf. Joey Cook dressed as “Madonna in space,” although her pastel plastic frock gave off more of a Total Coelo vibe. Salt N Pepa randomly wandered in from the set of their Geico commercial to push it real good, while Boy George danced in the audience and Jennifer Lopez slapped Harry’s butt.

And then shameless, self-described “‘80s Legend” David Hasselhoff — aka The Hoff, aka the man who sobbed when Taylor Hicks won in Season 5, aka the man who inspired Chris Sligh to try out in Season 6 — showed up for no reason. And he totally Rickrolled the show, singing Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up” as part of a tone-deaf ’80s hits medley that made Daniel Seavey sound like Kelly Clarkson. When The Hoff sang a bit of Culture Club’s “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me,” it kind of seemed like he wanted to hurt viewers’ eardrums.

Yes, it was campy. Like, totally campy to the max, fer sure. And it was cheesy, like cheesier than an entire unopened deadstock can of ’80s Cheez Balls snacks. But I loved it. I mean, why shouldn’t Idol take cues from the U.K. version of Simon Cowell’s X Factor and just embrace the cheese? No one takes Idol seriously anymore, anyway. At this point, any remaining Idol viewers just wanna have fun.

And on a side note: I guess Idol is officially no longer trying to court millennials. David Hasselhoff? Thighmasters? Fox may as well have gone back even further, back to the ’70s, and aired a rerun of The Gong Show — which would have also been enjoyable!

On a more serious side note, Boy George was a great mentor this Wednesday, and he was certainly the coolest makeup-wearing male to appear on the show since Adam Lambert’s black-nail-polished days of Season 8. Other than claiming that Daniel “Danjaya” Seavey has “chops” (I guess George didn’t really want to hurt Daniel’s feelings), he was astute, and he actually seemed to care. This guy really bleeds red, gold and green. (And to very loosely quote George’s 1983 Best New Artist Grammy speech: “Thanks, American Idol. You’ve got style, you’ve got taste, and you know a good drag queen when you see one.”)

Oh, but speaking of new artists… in the midst of all this totally-’80s insanity, nine contestants actually performed, and two went home. What happened? This:

Daniel Seavey – Danjaya sang Hall & Oates’s “You Make My Dreams Come True,” and he made my nightmares come true as he ruined one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands. Keith Urban began his critique by telling Daniel that he “looks good on camera,” a total Paula Abdul-style softball move. Harry thought this performance was an improvement over last week, not that that was saying much. Jennifer thought the song “sat in the right place” for Daniel. I don’t want to be mean, I don’t really want to hurt him, but the right place for Daniel to sit is on a flight home. He needs to stop getting through and taking away spots from more talented, or at least more mature, singers.

Quentin Alexander – Of course Quentin immediately bonded with his fellow fierce fashionisto, Boy George. (“I love anyone that dresses up. I love a turban!” George quipped.) Quentin brought all the theater and drama and menace and mystique of an episode’s worth of 120 Minutes videos to his tribal performance of Phil Collins’s “In the Air Tonight,” as he sat on a throne shrouded in dry-ice fog, blue light, and his own glimmering aura. I loved this. So did J.Lo, who said, “Your cool factor was on a thousand.” I hope the American Idol Live! summer tour is happening this year (there’s been no confirmation, so it probably isn’t), because I really want to see Quentin perform this song in concert. And I want to buy a Quentin-inspired turban at the merch booth, too.

Joey Cook – Joey was probably the best-dressed person onstage tonight besides Boy George himself, and when George surprised her with a hug and Joey totally fangirled, it was adorable. (I’d react the same way, to be honest, if Mr. O’Dowd ever hugged me.)

But unfortunately, Joey’s outfit was the coolest thing about her performance tonight. She’d had such a strong couple of weeks (ironically, she gave her best performance last week doing another ’80s song, Tears for Fears’ “Mad World”), showing real artistry and vision, but this week, she regressed into quirkiness and shtickiness. Her cover of Cyndi Lauper’s “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” was way too literal, right down to the ditzy Valley Girl dancing, and it was a silly, throwaway performance. She could have slowed it down, to bring out the bittersweetness of the lyrics, or she could have even the done the original post-punk version by Robert Hazard, which would have been interesting. But, no. Sigh. Harry told Joey she seemed distracted and out-of-sorts. Keith pointed out her “moments of inconsistency” and noted that she’d set the bar very high (maybe too high?) for herself. Yikes. I’m worried about Joey. Season 14 will be no fun if this girl gets eliminated so soon.

Tyanna Jones – Most contestants on Idol excel when they belt ballads, but this effervescent babydiva is at her best when she interprets upbeat material. For instance, she was awesome doing the usually hokey “Rockin’ Robin,” but last week she was a total dud singing “Circle of Life.” This week, doing Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance With Somebody,” Tyanna didn’t give her best performance, but she got her groove back… and she proved that she’s probably the only contestant of Season 14 who can do Whitney justice. The house-music arrangement even gave the song a current, cool vibe, as Harry noted. Tyanna was definitely in the house tonight.

Jax – While Blake Lewis’s “You Give Love a Bad Name” will always be the definitive Idol version, I liked Jax’s similarly fearless take on the Bon Jovi rock anthem as well. Jax was giving me some unhinged Tori Amos/Fiona Apple/Lady Gaga piano-goddess realness, and somehow her faux British accent (or “Jaxcent,” as Dudes Review Idol amusingly call it) made the song sound especially, awesomely ’80s. Jax rawked this, and even though I semi-wish that she’d stayed at the piano the entire time (so did Harry), ultimately I’m glad she stood up, because her piano-bench kick was so, well, kickass. “You’re giving us all that ’80s punk attitude, and I love it!” raved Jennifer. (Side note: Well, actually, punk started in 1970s. But since some wardrobe person also thought it was appropriate to paint Bowie Aladdin Sane makeup on Joey tonight, it’s obvious that the ’70s and ’80s are interchangeable on Idol. The contestants didn’t even recognize Alf, so there you go!)

Nick Fradiani – I think Nick was trying to have a “moment” with Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror,” but instead he just gave another technically pleasant but stiff performance. He didn’t “own his hotness,” again, despite the pleas of J.Lo (and Boy George!). “Sometimes you look like you’re meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time,” Keith told the stern-faced soft-rocker. I thought this was a nice vocal, but I still felt a disconnect here. To quote Michael Jackson, I’m asking this man to change his ways, because I know somewhere in there, there’s a good performer.

Clark Beckham – Clark continues to shine on this show. He took the Police’s “Every Breath You Take,” originally an unsettling stalker song, sat quietly at his piano, and turned it into something really tender. “You showed a much more ‘heart’ side of you. It was beautiful. You took me on a journey. You brought out the melancholy and pain [from that song] in a way I’ve never heard before,” said Keith. “Finally some goosies from me! It felt really good,” said Jennifer. I’m glad that Clark, unlike Jax, remained at the piano for this one. Sometimes less really is more, and on a night of over-the-top ’80s antics, Clark’s understated, somber performance stood out.

Qaasim Middleton – Last week, the judges saved Qaasim; this week, America did. So Qaasim put on his best game face, and his stank face, and got right back out there. I don’t know if Robert Palmer’s “Addicted to Love” was the best song choice for him, though. While this was one of his better vocals, he still needed to add his usual bells and whistles and high-kicks to make this performance more interesting and just more Qaasim. Maybe he was afraid to go crazy and break another expensive microphone or something? I may like it when Clark reins it in, but Qaasim is someone who needs to let loose. “Did it need to be all flashy? No!” Jennifer asserted. Eh… I think it did.

Rayvon Owen – I’m not sure what’s up with Rayvon lately. A few weeks ago, I had him pegged as the smoothest, sexiest, silkiest singer of Season 14. But he has lost his mojo, and his momentum. Maybe he should listen to some of his critiques. The judges have repeatedly told him to switch things up and not rely too much on his falsetto, but he hasn’t done that. And this week, Boy George and in-house mentor Scott Borchetta implied that Rayvon would not take their advice and seemed “behind a wall.” So instead, Rayvon just did what he always does: He gave a pleasant but predictable, falsetto-filled performance of Tears for Fears’ “Everybody Wants to Rule the World.” It was nice. But nice isn’t good enough anymore. Although Rayvon got the “pimp spot,” I think he may still have trouble getting votes. His overall lack of artistic growth, combined with an edit this week that made him look cold and stubborn, will not help his chances.

So if you’re doing the math, by now you’ve figured out that this week’s double-elimination was Adanna Duru and Maddie Walker. And the poor girls didn’t even get to sing one last time! If they had, Adanna was planning to do Joan Jett’s “I Hate Myself for Loving You,” and Maddie would have done “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” by Poison. But I guess Salt N Pepa and The Hoff used up all of Adanna and Maddie’s screentime. Oh well. You can still hear the studio recordings of both girls’ ’80s songs over at iTunes, if you’re interested.

So who will be eliminated next week? I’m hoping it will be Danjaya, and since he got the “death spot” this week, singing first, I may at long last get my way. But I think Rayvon and (gasp, gulp) Joey are also in danger.

Tune in next Wednesday to find out if I’m right, to see eight of these nine singers sing again… and to see the above-mentioned Kelly Clarkson serve as guest mentor! Until then, Parker out.

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