'You're Losing Me': 10 spots to break up with someone in Louisville
If you’re reading this, I’m sorry.
Or maybe, good for you — I’m not sure.
Whatever salutations are appropriate, welcome and congratulations on being a person with the courage and sheer decency to dump someone in person!
By the power vested in me by The Courier Journal’s editors, I’ve created this list of potential spots for you to break up with someone in Louisville.
Selections come from a range of Louisvillians, some of whom have, um, so graciously already tested them for you. I won’t mention any names, both out of respect for their privacy and your ability to really imagine yourself there, ending things.
For simplicity’s sake, everything on this list is in Jefferson County. I will not make you drive to Indiana. (I may make you walk to Indiana though, apologies.)
And all the locations are in public. If you want to be the person who dumps someone via text from your kitchen, be that person — I will not stop you, nor will I save you.
All that said, let the games begin.
The Belvedere
The outdoor plaza near the Galt House offers “a pretty view of the river, to serve as a distraction for the one being dumped,” one recommender said.
It also features green spaces with benches, for the days when the Ohio River is not looking her best, and a fountain to drown out your sobs.
The dumper can quickly flee via the stairs toward the Belle of Louisville dock, they continued, or go the long way to Main Street “so your personal soundtrack can play in your head as you walk triumphantly (sadly) away.” You can also dodge into the Galt House (see next slide).
Bonus: the space is walkable from anywhere downtown — perfect for any and all failed power couples.
A hotel bar
Speaking of the Galt House: There is alcohol inside.
To provide the highest caliber reporting, I spent a recent afternoon surveying hotel bars and gauging their breakup potential.
First up was Jockey Silks, a darkened bourbon bar that opens with a full bar before noon. I ordered a Louisville Sour, which I noted in my journal as “one of those drinks that one sip elicits a, ‘Oh yes, what problems?’ mindset.”
The Conservatory Bar on the hotel’s third floor was my second stop. It has more light and more seating options ― along with, at least when I was there, a love-adjacent playlist. It bounced from “Oops! … I Did it Again” to “This Will Be (An Everlasting Love)” to “Call Me Maybe” to “Love Me Like You Do” (yes, from Fifty Shades of Grey).
It’ll either be a beautifully ironic soundtrack to your breakup, or will immediately pull you out of any post-breakup depression and single-handedly restore your faith in love.
The Big Four Bridge
Ah, yes, the Big Four Bridge ― the marriage proposal capital of Louisville.
Hear me out. It is an excellent spot to watch the sunset, both physically and metaphorically, on your relationship. It can be busy, but rarely busy enough for people to eavesdrop and/or notice the tears streaming down your face.
And the biggest upside is that after all is said and done, you can easily flee the state. Iconic.
Neat Bourbon Bar
One brave soldier survived a breakup here and shared their story with us.
The booths in the second room of the Highlands bourbon bar are best for breakups, especially before 9 p.m. You can hear each other, the survivor said, and there are several bars around so y’all can drink away your sorrows separately afterward.
“Couldn't even be upset because I had an After Hours (espresso martini made with bourbon and an orange twist) in my hand,” they said.
The Clifton Heine Bros.
The local coffee chain has 17 locations, all but one of which have outdoor seating options. Why the spot in Clifton?
Its outdoor patio, spokesperson Will Hixson said, is likely the largest outdoor space at a Heine Bros., as well as the "most iconic." The recommender said it is next to a busy road that is “never too crowded, which is good for privacy as you or your now ex-partner may be crying, and the traffic allows for enough noise to mostly drown out the conversation from other people trying to get up in your business."
Upon receiving my completely serious media request, Hixson said, "I think the outdoor patio is the perfect place to break up and quickly move on with your day, so props to your tipster."
Dundee Tavern
When asked why this spot, the anonymous soul who recommended it simply said: “It would crush him spiritually.”
Say no more.
Louisville Slugger Museum
OK, this one actually had mixed reviews for exactly the same reason ― the overabundance of baseball bats at your (or their) disposal.
One person who has gone through a breakup specifically did not recommend it “because they may try to use the miniature free bat against you.”
(“Looking back, I should have realized choosing a museum wasn’t my best decision ever,” they added.)
Another person who recommended it, but said they had not been dumped there nor did they know of a loved one who had, asserted the aforementioned bats are at the ready “to resolve their differences and or engage in self defense.”
A Slugger Museum spokesperson confirmed every person who goes through a tour gets a free mini bat, adding that it is "certainly not uncommon to see someone make a ‘Will You Marry Me’ bat or a ‘they said yes’ bat."
One of Louisville’s lovely parks
Several of Louisville’s green spaces got recommendations. Let’s run through a few:
Cox Park: Specifically near the boat ramp to avoid children.
Cherokee Park: Plenty of spots in varying levels of privacy.
Seneca Park: “Crowded enough people are nearby if things go south but also big enough nobody is eavesdropping.”
Old Louisville Brewery
Old Lou Brew made the list not for its beer but for its private conversation-worthy environment. The wooden booths inside provide a sort of quasi-fortress around your sorrows. The backyard works for those who want fresh air.
The trick is getting there when they're least busy: Tuesdays tend to be the slowest days, head brewer Ken Mattingly said, followed by Wednesdays. Any time before 6 p.m. or after 9 p.m. tends to have the lightest crowds.
More about love: We asked AI to write a love poem for Valentine's Day to Louisville. What we got
The Louisville Zoo
Props to this recommender, who prepared a rather detailed itinerary for a breakup that they claim they haven’t personally witnessed.
Head to the Louisville Zoo in the early afternoon on a weekday (they recommended 2 p.m. on Thursdays, but do what works). Once inside, they said, get ice cream.
Then, the recommended itinerary continues, head specifically to the orangutan exhibit. And there, you will end the relationship. (They unfortunately did not provide any clarity as to why the orangutan exhibit specifically.)
When asked if the orangutans can tell if someone is sad, zoo spokesperson Kyle Shepherd said, “Orangutans are as inquisitive about us as we are about them!”
(Shepherd adds the zoo is also a great spot to get engaged ― just don't ask for one of their animals to be part of it.)
Reach Olivia Krauth at okrauth@courierjournal.com and on Twitter at @oliviakrauth.
This article originally appeared on Louisville Courier Journal: Need to break up with someone? 10 spots to choose in Louisville
