How Yoga Taught an Overachiever to Live
This article originally appeared on Yoga Journal
Sitting cross-legged with her eyes closed, Peloton's Kirra Michel began a recent class by reciting one of her favorite Bhagavad Gita aphorisms. Chapter 6, verse 16 of the sacred Hindu text loosely translates to, "too little or too much impedes success in yoga."
But when she shared the quote with students, she added a contextual caution. "I want you to be really careful about what that word 'success' means," she said. "Success in the Gita is different from success in the Western world. It's happiness, joy, contentment, the middle path. It's inner stillness."
The fact that the passage resonates with Michel speaks to the perspective-shifting work she's done to confront her personal obstacles to contentment and stillness, including a propensity for extremes.
Michel describes her experience with compulsive exercise and workaholism as addictive behaviors. Because these addictions tend to be socially sanctioned and sometimes even celebrated, "the harder you work, the more you're praised, and no one knows that you’re dealing with a form of addiction," she says. "I’m really, really grateful that I haven’t had substance abuse issues. But I ended up with an addiction to work and fitness and used both as avoidance and coping mechanisms."
Kirra Michel’s Childhood Cut Short
Stillness has never come naturally to Michel. Growing up on the beach in Lennox Head, Australia, she channeled her childhood energy into surfing, dancing, and competitive rhythmic gymnastics. She learned early on that hard work paid off and internalized that ethos in all facets of her life.
"My dad was a carpenter--he wasn't home much and I never saw him rest," Michel says. "And I was always praised a lot by both him and my mom for being athletic and for doing well in academics."
Michel grew up equating her worth with her productivity and physical output, problematic associations that were complicated by her participation in aesthetically focused activities. "Fitness became a form of self-punishment when I was a teenager, and it went hand in hand with my eating disorder," she says. "Dance and gymnastics were my loves, but both were in front of the mirror. You just rip yourself apart in front of those mirrors."
As her relationship to herself and her sense of worth became increasingly intertwined with her busyness and outward appearance, Michel threw herself into work and school, taking on two jobs while also studying. Her home life was challenging, and there came a point in her teens when she no longer felt safe. At 16, Michel set out on her own, eventually landing in New York City.
The chaos of her chosen home compounded the loneliness that her constant effort had hidden, even from herself. "New York was so phenomenal, but I was so depressed," she says. "It was like I was stuck in a black cloud of darkness, and things felt futile. I didn't want to socialize because I didn't want to be a burden, so I would isolate and push people away. I struggled to eat and sleep and I would go through phases of working out intensely just to feel something."
Turning Toward Stillness
Seeking some sense of grounding, Michel recalled a book her dad had given her called Dharma Punx, which tells the story of author Noah Levine's evolution from self-destruction and drug addiction to Buddhism and spiritual growth while retaining his ties to the punk scene of his youth. Michel related to aspects of Levine's story and sought out a Dharma Punx meditation group based in New York. It was the first time she'd ever formally meditated.
Afterward, she realized she'd been unknowingly practicing mindfulness since childhood. "Growing up, when there was trouble at home, I would just walk to the beach and sit on the rocks looking out into the water for hours--I was meditating," she says. "I realize now that I was seeking grounding and spaciousness and something that puts life into perspective."
Michel began attending the meditation sessions regularly and eventually, through her new circle of like-minded friends, began yoga. She wasn't entirely new to the practice, but her mindset around it had shifted entirely.
"Yoga had never been 'enough' for me," she says. "It wasn’t fast enough, I didn’t sweat enough, I didn't think it was 'fitness.' I tried it and I was really bored with it and walked out of there being like, 'Well, okay, now I need to work out because this isn’t enough for me.'"
Finding her groove in meditation, however, unlocked a fresh perspective on yoga that transcended asana. "Yoga and meditation were the biggest turning points for me," she says. "Because for the first time in my life, instead of when I was a dancer or a gymnast--where more was more, and more flexibility was better--in yoga, it's like, 'No, we’re not going for that. Instead of hyperextending in a three-legged dog to make a beautiful position, you square the hips off, and you may not get that same look as a Standing Split. I was like, 'Wait, you’re telling me to pull back rather than push more?' I'd never had that concept relayed to me in my entire life."
Within a few months, Michel signed up for her first teacher training and earned her certification, although the same "more is more" mentality continued to dictate her daily life. "Being a yoga teacher in New York is a hustle," she says. "You don’t sleep much because you have early classes and late classes, and you’re often in transit for two, three, sometimes four hours a day going back and forth. I was still in that hustle mentality."
"Yoga and Buddhism began to crack things open, but I still held so tightly to that mentality because it was my addiction," she says. "Not only did I not know who I was without that hustle mentality, but I couldn't financially afford not to hustle."
In 2021, the opportunity to settle down professionally with a fitness brand presented itself. Michel was invited to join Peloton's yoga team and at last felt like she could afford to slow down. "I could finally sleep," she says. "I had financial security and health insurance and a 401K and I no longer had to run around every single day, commuting four hours from one studio to the next and teaching private classes in between. The security of the Peloton position was almost unheard of as a yoga teacher."
But the relative stillness she found in a secure professional position revealed something else under the surface. "I had a phenomenal job, I wasn't financially struggling anymore, I felt like I could finally breathe," she says. "But after all the work I put in, and doing all the things society told me to do--I got the job, I did all the things--I realized I was still dealing with depression. There was a slight sense of confusion and I was struggling to feel the full joy I knew this opportunity should be bringing into my life."
All the painful things she'd tried to run from by overworking were still there. "I felt lied to a little bit--not by anyone in particular, but by societal norms," Michel says.
Finding Balance and Trust
Over the past three years, Michel has worked especially hard to tackle the perfectionistic and workaholic tendencies she was conditioned to embrace her entire life and admits that she's still a work in progress. She worked with a therapist in her teens to treat the clinical symptoms of her eating disorder, and she recently sought out additional support to address her proclivity toward overexertion.
In 2020, Michel began exploring more spiritually rooted resources that integrate yogic philosophy, which she says helps her work through deep-seated issues. "I've been doing family constellation work, which examines your family dynamic and looks at how and why you act and react in certain ways," she says.
After years of introspection and therapeutic treatments to address her compulsive behaviors, Michel says she now has a better idea of how she fell into these patterns in the first place. As a teenager and young adult, she lacked the tools to cope with deep-seated emotional and mental health struggles. Instead, she buried herself in work and workouts in an effort to avoid pain. Over time, with a lot of effort, support, and yogic philosophy to guide her, Michel has--and still is--gradually shifting her thoughts, and behaviors, cultivating healthier, more conscious patterns aligned with self-compassion.
Michel says the last six months or so have been particularly transformative. In addition to her therapeutic work, she has become more intentional about fostering relationships that are rooted in authenticity, accountability, and vulnerability. "It took me a long time to find my people," she says.
Another pivotal part of her journey has been stepping into her divine feminine energy. "So much of my life has been fighting, hustling, grinding," Michel says. "I never let myself rest or take care of myself in a soft, compassionate way. The community of women I've found are all doing their own internal spiritual work, and even my altar is mostly full of female deities. My goal this year is to step more into my feminine energy physically, mentally, and spiritually and to learn how to have deep, internal trust with myself, which allows me to trust the world a lot more."
How Kirra Michel Steps Back From “More is More” Culture
Michel credits many of the tenets that are central to yoga philosophy with steering her in a new direction. "I'm finding that overworking and burnout is not serving me physically or mentally," she says. "I need to slow down so I can listen, ask for support, and let people in. I need to realize that more isn’t more and doing it alone isn’t the way to do it."
There are a few yoga principles that she continually leans on to repattern old habits as she steps away from the "more is more" mentality. Below, Michel explains her understanding of these tenets.
The Gunas
Sanskrit for "strands" or "qualities," the gunas are energetic forces that form the foundation of the universe and everything it contains. They include tamas (stability), rajas (activity), and sattva (consciousness).
"According to the gunas, if you’re more in the rajasic state, it's very fiery and 'go-go-go,' and very much like the Ayurvedic pittadosha in nature," says Michel. "With that, you can only go so long before you burn out." She explains that those who are more in the tamasic state are said to be more kapha-like in Ayurveda and tend to be the opposite--more lethargic and slow.
Because the tendency to push away the things that would actually be best for us is common, Michel says it’s about finding a happy medium. "We only have the discernment to figure out what we need if we’re checking in and turning inward," she says. "That’s where meditation and yoga have the ability to play such a big role. It’s about sitting with ourselves to listen to our intuition so that our true selves can pull through. It's about finding that sattva, that balance."
Yoga Sutra 1.1
The first of Patanjali's teachings, "atha yoga anushasanam,"translates to "now, the practice of yoga begins." It's a message that Michel takes to heart any time she questions the timing of her progress as she steps away from the "more is more" mentality.
"Now is the time, right?" she says. "It wasn't when I was a teenager; I wasn’t called to it then. Whenever you're called to it is the time." Michel is clear, however, that timing is only part of the equation when it comes to change and evolution. Effort is just as critical.
When it came to putting in the work necessary to tackle her perfectionist tendencies, Michel committed to seeking out resources and support, the same way she had committed to physical and professional achievements in the past. "I started listening to all kinds of podcasts and putting my mind in the position to stretch my beliefs," she says. "And I learned about concepts like wabi-sabi, the Japanese art of embracing imperfections. I started learning to soften my grip."
Yoga Sutra 1.2
The second sutra,"Yogas chitta vritti nirodha," is one that Michel quotes often in her classes. It means, "Yoga is the ceasing or the settling or the quieting of the overanalytical mind," she says. "Usually, we’re all either attaching to the past or the future, which leads to suffering, or we're averting from them, which is also going to lead to suffering--we're not here now.” We all want to be loved, we all want to be validated, but so many of us are afraid of love and being truly seen," she says.
Not only does an understanding of Sutra 1.2 help root Michel in the reason for her practice, but students benefit from it as well. "The amount of people that it resonates with who say, 'Oh my god' -- and that's magic. If we’re raw and emotional and vulnerable enough, there’s that connection--we’re all just human."
As an example, Michel mentions her yoga practice. "I know what it feels like when I’m trying to do Ardha Chandrasana and I fall out and I'm like, 'Why aren't you better than that? You should be perfect. You're a dancer, what's wrong with you?' If I can speak generally to that feeling when I teach, I know that's what most of us are doing in our everyday lives."
Yoga Sutra 1.14
The fourteenth aphorism of the sutras is "sa tu dirghakala nairantarya satkara-adara-asevito drdhabhumih," and it loosely translates to "we become grounded in practice when it is done uninterruptedly for a long time." It's one that Michel often uses to kick off more challenging asana classes that can evoke frustration for many students, such as a Handstand practice. " Michel has learned to find the balance in that phrase, rather than taking it to the physical and mental extreme.
"Yoga can be strict; they say if you want the results, you have to do the work," she says. "But if you do too much of the work, it’s burnout, it’s overload, it’s overstimulation. You’re more than likely going to end up with health issues and end up being in a constant state of fight-or-flight because your body is in survival mode."
Michel finds that it's the same in life. "I’ve been in survival mode for the majority of my life," she says. "My body’s trying to get back to homeostasis, because that’s what our bodies do, but I haven’t allowed it to do that because 'more is more is more.' Hustle culture is just burning us out because we’re in constant overdrive -- the central nervous system isn’t supposed to be under 24/7 stress."
Pratyahara
Translated as "the conscious withdrawal of energy from the senses," pratyahara is the fifth limb of yoga and a fundamental element of the yoga practice that Michel finds invaluable in connecting with her intuition and pulling away from a self-punishing mindset.
"I start all my classes with tuning in rather than tuning out," she says. "Instead of trying to go deeper and further and work harder to gain the results that we may or may not get, can we check in? Can we close the eyes and start to focus on the here and now?"
"With time and practice, we have the ability to get in contact with the Atman, the capital-S Self, which is who we are without avidya or incorrect knowledge," Michel explains. "When society is telling us we have to be thinner or hustle and work harder--that’s the incorrect knowledge. That’s the ego-driven stuff. And it's not that ego is bad, but it doesn’t ask us to sit with our intuition and to listen and be still, and that’s why you can’t take meditation out of yoga."
Like most yogis, Michel continues to work on the tenets of the practice that help her feel more connected with her true self and less bound to arbitrary societal standards. And through her teaching, she's had the opportunity to connect with countless others in the studio and on social media who are all on the same journey.
"I feel like so many of us have gotten lost; like we have these filters on," Michel says, referring to the societal expectations and standards so many of us hold ourselves to. "And I have to ask, 'is this my filter? Is this someone else’s story?' It’s really hard, the filters are sticky. And that’s why I keep coming back to the mat. That’s why I keep meditating. So that in 10 years, I can think, 'this is so much nicer.' We talk about fight-or-flight and rest-and-digest, but there's also this 'stay-and-play' area in the middle. And I think I want to spend more time there."
About Our Contributor
Michelle Konstantinovsky is a San Francisco-based independent journalist, writer, editor, and UC Berkeley Graduate School of Journalism alum. She's written extensively on health, body image, entertainment, lifestyle, design, and tech for outlets including Vogue, Vanity Fair, Scientific American, Glamour, Shape, Self, WIRED, Cosmopolitan, Marie Claire, Teen Vogue, and many more. She has also served as the health and wellness editor at Fitbit, senior health writer at One Medical, and contributing editor at California Home + Design. She completed 200 hours of yoga teacher training in 2018 and is still trying to understand the physics of hand balancing. Follow her at @michellekmedia.
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