Yes, Fighting in a Relationship Is Normal—Here’s How to Do It Better
Conflict in any meaningful relationship is inevitable. (Just ask my husband.) No two humans process life in the exact same way, and each of our unique stories is the result of a distinct combination of triggers, thought patterns, and emotional responses. For any of these reasons, couples can occasionally (or often) find themselves in disagreements-which can quickly escalate to fights.
But instead of viewing arguing as a bad thing, experts agree relationship conflict can actually be healthy-an opportunity to learn more about your partner and how you can work together as a team. Of course, it can be hard to view it that way when your blood is boiling, your tolerance has collapsed, and you’re drowning in a sea of discouragement. The struggle can be real-but there are strategies to tackle the tension when issues arise.
“If a couple told me they never fight, then I would be worried,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Kiaundra Jackson. And while she emphasizes that fighting is indeed normal, there are certain red flags that might signal your problems would be better served by seeking the help of a counselor or therapist. If you and your partner are dealing with infidelity or frequently find yourselves giving ultimatums, calling each other names, starting fights involving your children, making threats, or constantly bringing up other people’s opinions of your relationship, she recommends visiting a professional. (And you should always contact a professional if you're encountering physical abuse.)
But if you believe that you and your partner are simply having common communication issues (did he really forget to do the dishes again?!) here are some expert tips on how to resolve relationship fights in a healthier way.
Begin carefully.
Certified relationship coach Steven Dziedzic-and founder of the marriage counseling app Lasting-says the way conversations begin largely impacts how they will unravel. This should challenge couples to be intentional about how they start a dialogue.
The way you begin has three parts, according to Dziedzic: your tone, the actual words you say, and your volume. If any of those is harsh, the conversation is likely to go downhill from there, so it can be key to reflect on how you tend to begin discussions with your significant other. “Ask yourself: Do I empower them, or do I put them into an attack stance when I bring up issues?” Dziedzic recommends.
Listen empathetically.
In the midst of a conflict, try to look at the world through your loved one’s eyes. Attempt to understand how they’re seeing the issue and what they’re feeling, then ask questions to clarify, recommends Dr. Gary Chapman, marriage counselor, speaker, and author of the 5 Love Languages series.
Once you get the gist of where they’re coming from, he advises saying something like: “I think I understand what you’re saying, what you’re feeling, and it makes a lot of sense.” Chapman-who just released a new book this month with co-author Shannon Warden, The DIY Guide to Building a Family that Lasts-adds, “That one sentence is powerful, because you’re no longer an enemy, you’re now a friend.”
Take measured turns talking.
An action that can add dry wood to the flame of a fight is cutting each other off. To avoid this, Chapman suggests that at the top of a conversation, both parties should agree on a time limit for each person to share their thoughts and feelings. Setting time boundaries helps you focus on listening, because you know when your turn to speak is coming, and you don’t have to interrupt to make a point during the other person’s seemingly everlasting tirade.
Avoid making demands-or engaging in disrespect and lashing out in anger.
As highlighted in his book Love Busters, author, marriage counselor, and psychologist Dr. Willard Harley discourages couples from telling each other what to do. Harley-who speaks at marriage seminars throughout the U.S. and Canada and also co-hosts a daily marriage radio show with his wife “Marriage Builders Radio,”-motivates the pairs he counsels to phrase a desire this way: “How would you feel about helping me with...?”
“Any time there’s a need in your life, there’s a request that can meet that need,” says Dziedzic. The key is managing your response if your request isn’t immediately validated or met, says Harley. Too often this is where things can get ugly, and a disagreement graduates to a fight. Harley implores couples not to make exaggerated, destructive judgements (looking at you, temper tantrums) just because one person isn’t getting what they want. If you’re tempted to escalate to this danger zone, call a “timeout” by respectfully communicating you need a moment to calm down and process what’s been said or simply walk-not storm-away.
Find time in your schedule for constructive conversations.
If your exchanges become too heated, create a timetable for when you think you’ll be ready to approach the topic again. This will give you an opportunity to gather your thoughts and plan what you want to say with sobriety. Jackson adds that some couples consistently schedule when they will address relationship concerns. Instead of randomly bringing up difficulties that need to be improved, they find it beneficial to invest about an hour on a weekly or monthly basis to work out areas of contention.
When asked if anticipating these conversations can trigger anxiety, Jackson says this technique actually produces the opposite effect. “They’re actually looking forward to it, because they know this is a time where they’re going to have their partner’s undivided attention,” she says.
Express curiosity.
“It’s so rare to feel truly heard and understood,” says Dziedzic, who has also worked with hundreds of couples throughout his executive tenure at the popular wedding resource The Knot. Because of this, he advises couples to ask questions or make statements that show their partner they’re trying to understand them, such as “Tell me more,” “Can you unpack that?” and “I don’t get it yet, but please keep going.” Doing so, he says, helps the listener develop empathy and empowers the speaker to feel heard.
Get to the emotional root of the issue.
“Below every single conflict, there’s an unmet emotional need,” says Dziedzic. For example: Your spouse hasn’t taken out the trash, though you’ve asked a dozen times. This can result in an argument-but the layer beneath discussing the chore can be something like “I don’t feel valued” or “I don’t feel like I’m coming in first place.” When you take the time to dig deeper into why an action, or lack thereof, causes a particular response, the core emotional need can be addressed, and greater understanding achieved. Also, Dziedzi adds, you should never assume your partner knows what you’re feeling. Instead? Just tell them.
Establish a climate of love.
The prerequisite to any set of conflict management tips is creating a consistent, loving environment, Chapman says. Why not ask your spouse today: “How can I love you better in this season of life?” Listen empathetically, and then share your heart’s desire. When both parties constantly feel loved, conflict can be approached with greater grace.
“This way, you spend your energy looking for a solution, rather than spending your energy trying to win the argument,” says Chapman. “Two adults who are looking for a solution will find one.”
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