Yes, You Can Care for Your Aging Parents from Afar
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When I had my son 22 years ago, my mom moved across the country to live near us. My daughter was born two years later, and having a grandma just a mile away was a huge help with two young kids—we had an eager babysitter for date nights, my mom could pop over to the grocery store or library for me, and she was always happy to pick up a sick kid from school or do a last-minute drive to baseball practice or dance lessons. Having her woven, thread by thread, into our daily routine made life richer for all three generations. The kids had an additional adoring and supportive adult they could count on. My mom got joy and a sense of purpose from being an indispensable part of our lives. And as for me, well, there’s nothing like having kids yourself to realize how important family is.
A few years ago, around age 80, my mom started slowing down. Her memory became spotty, her balance wobbly. She was still independent, but my brother and I worried: Would she fall down the stairs in her apartment? Should she still be driving? Was she on top of her medications?
The tables had turned. The person who had cared for me and my brother from birth through launch—and been an involved caregiver for her grandchildren—was beginning to need care herself.
It was a bittersweet time. My kids were heading off to college while my brother and I were talking with our mom about her next step. For various logistical reasons, we figured out that it made sense for her to move into an assisted living facility near my brother, so instead of being a mile from me, she would be several hours away. I was just coming to terms with the fact that my mom needed support, and now I would have to figure out how to offer it from a distance.
And she wasn’t the only one who would need support: She would be very near my brother, so he would become her local caregiver. I needed to support him, too. Here are some things we’ve figured out since then—plus some smart, thoughtful tips from pros.
Do some gentle detective work
The first step in caregiving from afar is figuring out what your parents need to be safe and well. If they live around the corner, you’ll likely know when driving at night has gotten difficult or that they are becoming forgetful. When they’re across the country, you might not. What’s more, if you ask how you can help, they may not be 100 percent up front—it’s hard for older adults to admit (to themselves and to others, especially their children) when routine activities are challenging.
One subtle way to keep up is to connect with their existing network. If you don’t know their friends or neighbors, reach out, introduce yourself, and exchange numbers; ask them to contact you if they notice any safety or health concerns. If your parents are managing well, that may be all the help and reassurance you need.
If you need more intel, “in-person visits are very revealing,” says Aaron Blight, author of When Caregiving Calls and founder of Caregiving Kinetics, a consulting company. Linda Abbit, author of The Conscious Caregiver, agrees: “It’s easy for your loved one to appear to be functioning normally if you’re having a phone call here and there.” For a true assessment, go and spend a long weekend and conduct what Abbit calls “the cottage cheese test”: Peek in the fridge—do they seem to be shopping and eating well, or are foods past their prime or inadequate? Similarly, a stack of mail and bills could indicate difficulty managing finances.
Other things to check: how they handle transportation, housekeeping, taking medication, and shopping for essentials. Can your parent do those things independently—and safely? To find out, “you have to walk a little bit of a balancing act,” says Blight. “Be observant and ask questions without being overbearing. Older adults might be a bit afraid of what might happen if they admit they’re not able to manage their affairs like they used to.”
Once you understand the situation, you can figure out how to help from a distance. That might look like setting up bills on autopay and ordering groceries online for them every week or two. You can also arrange non-medical home care, perhaps booking a few hours a week of help with cleaning and laundry, meal prep, and errands—or more assistance, medical or otherwise, at home or in a facility, as needed.
If you’re not sure how to proceed after your own sleuthing, a home-care company or eldercare consultant can audit your parent’s living situation. My brother and I did this before our mom moved, and it was illuminating. Our consultant told us to remove the throw rugs from her place (major tripping hazard) and add a grab bar by the step down into her kitchen. But long-term, she advised, our mom would be much safer someplace without any steps. Her questions—and our mom’s answers—helped us realize where she was faltering.
Stay in touch, regularly and randomly
“It’s hard to understate the significance of reaching out to your parents,” says Blight. So when you’re not close by, figure out the best way to stay connected.
“A routine schedule is great,” says Blight. “Your loved one can look forward to a call every Sunday afternoon. They know what to expect, and that allows you to build it into your schedule so it’s predictable. But spontaneous calls are wonderful as well.”
Every family is different. I have one friend who stops whatever she’s doing at 9:00 p.m. to give her dad a quick call. My mom isn’t a big phone chatter, so I recently started texting her a picture a day showing something happening in my life. (TBH, it’s usually of my dog, but my life isn’t that interesting!) Some families prop an iPad on the table so their parents can “join” for dinner. Another friend has a weekly family Zoom call on Sundays at 11 a.m. ET, a time everyone can swing given that she’s in New York and her siblings are in California and the U.K.
And when you can visit in person, Abbit says, don’t just run errands and organize. “It’s important to have quality time. Cherish your time together.” Lee Woodruff, a journalist and author, became a caregiver in 2006 after her husband, news anchor Bob Woodruff, was injured in an explosion in Iraq; more recently, she was a long-distance caregiver for her mother, who passed away earlier this year. She made a point to visit regularly and to make sure she did more than just cross things off a to-do list (though knocking off a few things each visit is helpful, too). “Even if I was taking her to a doctor’s appointment, I would build in time,” Woodruff says. “She liked to be in her little chair in the sun in her room. I still am so grateful for just sitting and talking to her. Some of the best conversations we had were in that later part of her life. I got as much out of those moments as she did. I could make up for being an eye-rolling teenager.”
Divide and conquer (and thank each other)
Often, one sibling shoulders more of the caregiving load—particularly if they’re closest geographically and/or emotionally. The key to keeping the peace is—you guessed it—communication.
“The first thing is just having the siblings get together and say, ‘Look, our mom or dad or both are facing these challenges.’” says Blight. “‘Let’s work collaboratively to help them and agree that we’re not going to let this drive a wedge into our relationship, that we’re going to be a team.’”
A sure path to victory: Play to your strengths. The geographically closest caregiver will be the default for many tasks, but plenty can be done long-distance. The sibling who is best with numbers can handle bills and other financial matters. The most techie sib can be the IT help desk, taking calls about the computer, iPad, and the remote control (that’s not just my mom, is it?). Another can take on ordering anything that’s needed, whether that’s groceries or toiletries on a regular basis, or a new bathing suit or walking shoes right before you all go on vacation.
In my family, my brother is the go-to, but I do what I can: Pay bills, make appointments, follow up with doctors or figure out prescriptions or insurance, even if the task almost always involves being on hold with customer service for a very long time. I’m happy when my brother delegates to me because I know it takes something off his plate.
Indeed, Woodruff reminds us to “remember the gratitude piece for the person who’s on the front lines.” She would sometimes send flowers or a card out of the blue to her “hometown sister” to show she acknowledged everything she was doing. On the flip side, Woodruff warns against being tone-deaf. Don’t call your sister to say you’re enjoying a glass of wine on your deck on a Friday afternoon if she’s likely exhausted at the end of a long week of caregiving with more of the same in store for the weekend. Know your audience. Be respectful.
Woodruff’s family came up with another ground rule when it comes to the small stuff: If you aren’t the person on the front lines and you aren’t there, then you really don’t have a right to complain. And no matter what you think of the sibling who is doing the day-to-day, unless there’s something egregiously wrong, you need to hold your tongue most of the time.
My brother and I haven’t had to test that one out, but it sounds fair to me. This is no time to be controlling or micromanaging. Instead, just thank each other for all that you’re doing, so you can look back on these years with no regrets.
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