Woodling: If you're stuck in an abusive relationship, you can escape. Here's how
Q: My dear friend since childhood has ended up in a terrible relationship that is mentally and physically abusive.
It is hard to observe, and I often feel helpless in supporting her.
She has expressed feelings of wanting to leave, but repeatedly leans back into the relationship.
I want to support her in any way I can, but nothing seems to convince her to leave once and for all.
How do you get someone you care about to understand they deserve to be treated better and leave such a toxic situation?
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A: Domestic violence is a pervasive issue affecting individuals across all walks of life. It involves a pattern of coercive and abusive behaviors used by one partner to gain and maintain control over another within the confines of an intimate relationship.
The control cycle in such relationships typically includes tension-building, an explosive incident and a honeymoon phase, creating a cycle that is difficult for victims to break free from.
It's hard to imagine how someone could tolerate such cruel behavior, and often victims are perplexed themselves by how they have found themselves in the situation.
The analogy I often use is if you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, it hops out and survives.
If you put a frog in a pot of cold water and crank the heat, the temperature rises gradually enough that the frog is not aware of the danger until it is too late.
Abusers do not start the relationship in an aggressive manner. There is a manipulative process of grooming and charming that gradually becomes controlling and violent.
It is certainly difficult to watch a loved one suffer in these relationships. It is also very normal to be frustrated by their resistance to leave the relationship.
Understanding the emotional and physical barriers your friend faces is crucial when providing support.
Victims often grapple with a diminished sense of self-worth, instilled by the abuser's manipulation and control tactics.
This emotional entrapment, coupled with financial dependence, societal stigma and fear for personal safety, makes it challenging for victims to extricate themselves from the abusive relationship.
Despite the abuse, the victim is typically in love with their partner and is holding on to hope things will get better.
Here are three key ways to support a friend stuck in a domestic violent relationship:
Build up their self-worth. One of the first steps in helping a friend is to reinforce their sense of self-worth. Remind them of their strengths, talents and resilience. Encourage them to reconnect with activities and people that bring joy and fulfillment. By rebuilding their confidence, they may find the strength to envision a life free from abuse. Keeping the focus on your friend's self-worth rather than her partner's negative behavior may help prevent her from becoming defensive.
Offer resources. Knowledge is power. Equip your friend with information about available resources, such as domestic violence hotlines, shelters and counseling services. Provide literature on the dynamics of abusive relationships and the steps involved in seeking help. Understanding there is a network of support available can empower victims to take the necessary steps toward liberation.
Encourage a safety plan: Developing a safety plan is crucial for those preparing to leave an abusive relationship. Work with your friend to create a comprehensive plan that includes identifying safe spaces, establishing communication protocols and securing important documents. Encourage them to involve a professional, like a counselor or advocate, in the planning process to ensure its effectiveness.
In closing, it's vital to remember that supporting a friend in this situation requires empathy, patience and a commitment to their well-being. You cannot rescue her, but rather be available if/when she decides she is ready to make the choice to leave.
Additionally, be aware that your support will likely be seen as a threat to the control your friend’s partner is trying to keep.
It’s essential to establish healthy boundaries for your own safety.
Encourage your friend to seek professional help, but avoid pressuring or making decisions on their behalf. Your role is to provide unwavering support as they navigate their journey towards safety and healing.
Kristin Woodling is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Chief Executive Officer of Pamper Your Mind LLC in Satellite Beach. Details about the practice and services provided can be found at pamperyourmind.com.
This article originally appeared on Florida Today: Here's how a victim of domestic violence can find their way out
