Here's Everything To Ask Your S.O. Before Tying The Knot, According To Therapists
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So, you’ve found your person: the person. You’re deeply, undeniably in love; it’s beyond easy to imagine your future together; and, yeah, you’re starting to think about an engagement, a wedding, and all that fun stuff. As exciting as this time is, it’s also important to make sure you’re aligned on what, exactly, that shared future looks like. In other words, you’ll need to have some big conversations—and ask some crucial questions.
“I’m a firm believer in discussing as much as possible prior to getting engaged,” says Carla Marie Manly, PhD, a clinical psychologist, the host of the Imperfect Love podcast, and the author of Date Smart. “The process of getting to know a partner deeply and truly is essential for forming a healthy foundation. And while going over important topics—finances, children, sex, romance, religion, values, and priorities—partners are able to address any red flag issues that arise.”
Chances are, you won’t automatically agree on all of these topics. And that’s okay, adds Terri Orbuch, PhD, a professor of sociology at Oakland University and the author of 5 Simple Steps To Take Your Marriage From Good to Great. “Differences don’t always mean dealbreakers, because people can compromise—and compromise isn’t bad,” she explains.
Ahead, relationship therapists and marriage experts share 14 questions worth discussing before you head to the altar.
Meet the experts: Carla Marie Manly, PhD, is a clinical psychologist, the host of the Imperfect Love podcast, and the author of Date Smart. Kathryn Smerling, PhD, is a family therapist based in New York City. Terri Orbuch, PhD, is a professor of sociology at Oakland University and the author of 5 Simple Steps To Take Your Marriage From Good to Great.
1. What’s your financial status right now, including debts and savings?
If you’ve been dating your partner long enough to consider marriage, you likely know the basics about their income. But do they have any debt? Do they have a 401k, or any other savings? “You’d think by the time you’re thinking about engagement or marriage that people would know this, but I think couples avoid these topics—and they keep secrets about their financial status, in terms of debt and assets,” says Orbuch. And on the topic of money…
2. Are you open to a joint account, or are we keeping our finances separate?
Here’s a big one. “Prior to getting married, it's important to discuss all aspects of finances that may impact the relationship in the short and long term,” says Manly, “including whether joint funds will be used to make payments.”
If you are planning on sharing finances, you’ll also want to discuss how you’ll use your joint account, adds Orbuch. For example, how often will you splurge on vacations or travel? How much money will you try to save each month? What do you typically spend money on?
3. What role do you want religion or spirituality to play in your life?
You might think you know your partner’s answer, but ideally, you’ll want to really get specific about how religion factors into their life, says Orbuch. If you have children together, how will you raise them? Which holidays will you observe as a couple? Are there any traditions or activities that will become a part of your shared lifestyle?
4. Do you want kids? If so, when and how will we have them?
“Although deciding whether or not to have children may seem like an obvious issue to address before marriage, some couples shy away from giving this issue the forthright focus it deserves,” says Manly. You should also discuss how you plan on having kids, she adds. Will you try to have kids biologically? What will you do if fertility issues arise? Regardless of your fertility status, would you be interested in adoption, or surrogacy?
5. What are your views on parenting?
This is a pretty open-ended question, but it’s an important one, according to Orbuch. If you’re planning on having kids, how does your partner envision themself as a parent? How do you want to raise your kids? How will you split parenting tasks?
6. What was your own childhood like?
This question goes hand-in-hand with discussing your thoughts on parenting, says Kathryn Smerling, PhD, a family therapist based in New York City. “I don’t think people really discuss what their upbringing was like as a child—was it gentle parenting, was it harsh?” she says. By talking about your own early memories with your parents, you might be able to identify “what you want to keep, and what you want to discard.”
7. How often will we see your family once we’re married?
Maybe you already have a relationship with your future in-laws. That’s great! But now, it’s time to discuss how often you’ll see them, says Smerling—and how involved they’ll be in your life, especially if and when you have kids. Will either set of grandparents help with childcare? How will you spend holidays? “Very often, one person wants to spend more time with their family,” Smerling explains. But if both of you want to spend holidays with your families of origin, you might need to make a plan. Maybe you spend Thanksgiving with one set of in-laws, and Christmas with the other, Smerling suggests.
8. How do you see yourself balancing work and family?
These days, a lot of couples both decide to keep their jobs even as they have kids, says Smerling. So, it’s essential to ask how they plan on balancing their professional and personal life, especially if you decide to become parents, she adds. How much does your partner prioritize their job, and will that evolve as they get older? Will one of you take a step back at work if you have kids? What might childcare look like?
9. Where will we live?
After getting married, will you move elsewhere? What about if and when you have kids? During this conversation, it’s also a good idea to ask whether your partner would want to move if they’re offered a (better) job in another place, says Orbuch. And on the flip side: If you got an amazing job offer in another city, would your partner be down to move with you?
10. How will we prioritize romance once we’re married?
“As a clinical psychologist, I've found that the death of romance is one of the top reasons for marital dissatisfaction,” says Manly. And that can lead to sexual dissatisfaction, too: “It's not uncommon for one partner to care about sex but not about romance, while the other partner finds romance essential for sexual intimacy,” she adds.
So, before getting married, Manly suggests discussing your “personal needs” regarding intimacy and romance. Maybe it’s important to regularly mix things up in the bedroom; maybe, you want frequent date nights. Whatever your needs are, discussing them will help you out big-time once you’re past the (literal) honeymoon stage.
11. Do you (or your biological family members) have any health concerns that I don’t know about?
And if something runs in their family, is there a test they can take to determine whether they’re a carrier? If you and your partner are in it for the long haul, you’ll want to ask these questions, says Orbuch. Not only is this life-saving information for you to have in case they get sick, but it will help you determine whether there are any conditions your biological children (if you’re having them) might be predisposed to.
12. What does commitment mean to you?
There are many types of cheating beyond sexual infidelity: there’s emotional cheating, cyber-cheating, and more. For this reason, it can be beneficial to discuss what fidelity and commitment look like to you, notes Orbuch. “A lot of times people don’t talk about this, and then they’re surprised down the way,” she explains.
13. How do we handle stress and conflict as a couple?
Admittedly, this is a question you need to ask yourself, too. “It is so vital to a happy, healthy relationship that the two of you handle stress well together—because it’s inevitably going to happen—and that you handle and resolve conflict constructively,” says Orbuch. Do you communicate well when you’re in a crisis? Is there anything your partner could do differently to support you when you’re going through a hard time?
14. What are your core values and beliefs?
“It’s not just who you voted for and political affiliation,” says Orbuch—although you might want to ask about that, too, if you don’t already know. But how does your partner feel about reproductive rights, or equity for people who are marginalized? What are the issues they care about the most in the world? These are big questions, but often important ones.
How can I have these conversations with my partner?
When discussing these tricky topics like kids, money, and your values, you might not want to broach every subject in one conversation. It can be overwhelming, “and it may also instill doubt,” says Orbuch. You don’t want your partner to feel like they’re being interrogated, after all.
Instead, Orbuch recommends spacing these conversations out during natural moments when you’re alone together. For example, maybe you’re watching a movie or sitcom episode in which a couple disagrees about a parenting dilemma. You can use this as a jumping-off point to discuss how you’d like to raise your kids—or to start a conversation on whether you’d like to have kids at all.
Remember: some of these discussions might feel uncomfortable (or even lead to disagreements!), but you’ll only come out even stronger. Take it from Manly: “Healthy communication is essential for a solid relationship, and couples who learn how to navigate even the most difficult conversations with loving respect are far more likely to stand the tests of time,” she says. Now, get chatting!
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