My Wife Insisted We Have a Child Late in Life. I Completely Regret It.
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife and I tried for eight years to have kids. After that, we gave up and decided to dedicate ourselves to making the best child-free life we could. The three years that followed were really happy. Then, out of nowhere, my wife got unexpectedly pregnant. By that time, I was in my mid-40s and had grown to love our child-free life, but my wife wanted a baby so much that I went along with the pregnancy even though I had a lot of worries. It turns out my worries were founded.
I am so ashamed, but I hate parenthood. Don’t get me wrong: I love our 3-year-old son. But I feel constantly resentful of the freedom we gave up, and too old and tired to summon the energy I would have had if the parenting plan had worked out a decade ago when it was supposed to. We don’t have any family support: My wife’s parents have retired to Florida and my parents are now in an assisted living facility. We don’t have any peer-group support: Our friends’ kids are all in high school, so they’re preparing to be empty-nesters, and the other parents in our son’s preschool are literally from a different generation. I don’t know what to do. I am seeing a therapist, but can’t help but feel that the life I should be living was stolen from me. I feel guilty and horrible about this, but the feelings aren’t going away. I’m seeking encouragement, perspective—anything you can provide.
—Too Old For This
Dear Too Old,
Even parents who have children at the “ideal” time in their lives can find themselves hating parenthood. I often say that kids are great, but parenting can really suck! It’s hard, often thankless work that requires constant sacrifice. Try your best to focus on the parts of parenting that you like the best, such as when your little one hops in your lap unexpectedly for cuddle time. Enjoy as much of it as you can while also finding other outlets for joy in your life. Though your schedule is likely busy, try to carve out time to start a hobby—maybe reading novels at night brings you great pleasure. There are three of you in the house, but you don’t have to do everything as a trio. Both you and your wife deserve to have solo time regularly that doesn’t revolve around the child. If the three of you usually run errands on Saturdays, consider letting one parent handle that alone while the other one takes your son to the park. Include as much pleasure in your life as you possibly can; cook your favorite meals, enjoy a glass of wine after dinner, and do your best to make time for intimacy with your wife. You will likely find that the more fulfilled you are outside of parenting, the better you will feel when you’re spending time with your kid.
As far as support, your peers may have older children now but they had younger ones in the past; they can still offer advice or even just lend an ear when you need to complain. Also, many parents will tell you that they miss the stage of life your child is in very badly when their kids get older; you may find that some of your friends would be happy to come by and spend time with your little one, or to accompany you all to the park or to brunch. With regard to the parents at your child’s school, intergenerational friendships can be incredibly rewarding; you may be surprised how insightful some of these young parents are, or just how much you have in common with some of them.
Your child is a blessing that you once wished for. He just didn’t come on the schedule you had intended. Continue talking to your therapist about your feelings. Purchase a journal and dedicate it solely to reflecting on positive moments with your son; when things get difficult, look back on some of the great times that you’ve had together. If you haven’t thus far, be honest with your wife about how you’re struggling; she may be managing her own conflicting feelings and you all can support one another. Remember that no parent enjoys childrearing 100 percent of the time; it’s a matter of focusing on the positive moments as much as you can. Give yourself grace when you’re feeling exhausted and remember that you’re doing the best that you can.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My family is in a situation where making one child happy means making the other miserable. I don’t know what to do. My older son, “Carson,” is a high school sophomore and my younger son, “Sam,” is in sixth grade. Both had OK elementary school experiences. In middle school, Carson started in an International Baccalaureate program. In our district, the IB program functions as a school-within-a-school for the most academically capable students in middle and high school. Carson has thrived there. He enjoys the academic challenge, and he has a great social circle from the close-knit group of kids in the program. He plans to continue in the IB diploma program. It means a lot to him, and being on track to earn that diploma will be an asset in college applications.
Sam is not in the IB program. He has ADHD but it’s well managed. He’s strong in the humanities, but he has dyscalculia and could not handle the IB-level math classes. We’d heard before that our school district is not very good at the secondary level unless you’re in IB, but we gave it a try. It’s a month into the school year and Sam is miserable. There were students with behavior problems at his elementary school, but he reports that it’s “a hundred times worse” in middle school, especially in his grade-level math class. He says his honors-level classes are slightly better but not by much. He finds school chaotic, stressful, and frustrating—he says everything takes forever because the teachers are constantly having to settle the class down and respond to kids seriously acting up. He’s begging us every day to put him in another school.
A good private school is not affordable for us, but we could afford to move to a two-bedroom apartment in an overall better school district. It doesn’t have an IB program, but I’m told by co-workers who live there that student behavior is good, so the quality of education is more even across academic levels. If we had known that Sam wouldn’t be in the IB program like Carson and that the regular secondary school classes were this bad, we would’ve moved before Carson even started middle school. But we didn’t know, and now Carson is very happily settled in this special program.
Carson would hate to move partway through high school. I think he might be able to get over the academic aspect of the school change, but being ripped away from his tight-knit group of friends and classmates would be devastating. I worry that because of Sam’s learning disabilities, he is especially vulnerable to a bad school environment—both in terms of academics and developing a negative attitude toward school. If we make him tough it out for 3 years until Carson graduates, a lot of damage could be done during that time that won’t be easy to bounce back from. This seems like a zero-sum game where one son’s happiness for the next three years will come at the expense of the other’s. Is it? Is there any way to do right by both of our boys?
—Opposing Needs
Dear Opposing Needs,
This is an unfortunate situation and there isn’t a way to make both children happy. I think what you should focus on is embracing the best possible scenario, and right now, it doesn’t seem that Sam can be successful in his current academic environment. As the school year is half over, you may want to let the kids stay where they are for now and explain to them that you’ll need them to change schools next fall. This will likely be devastating to Carson and you’ll need to do your best to help him understand how dire things are for his younger brother. You aren’t choosing one boy’s happiness over another; Carson can likely thrive in this new school district, even without an IB program, whereas Sam will likely fall behind if he continues in a space that is disruptive to his learning. It wouldn’t be right to allow one son to flounder to allow his brother to flourish. Explore what sort of gifted and talented programs exist in this new school district; with Carson’s IB background, he should have no problem being accepted into one. And as for his tight-knit group of friends, do everything you can to keep them connected—even if means driving a little further to facilitate regular group hang outs.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
How do I get my 6-year-old to stop saying potty words? This started after he entered kindergarten and I know it’s coming from one of his friends who has two older siblings. He’s still discovering his personality since outside school he’s pretty isolated and right now this is his idea of being funny. He replaces a lot of words with “butt” or “fart,” calls us names (“You’re a butt” or “You’re a butt stink”), or starts saying things like “nasty butt,” or “stinky butt.” In some cases, he took off his pants and “mooned” us, another behavior that someone at school probably started. He’s also a fan of constant fart noises.
These words and behaviors are triggers for me and for some reason bring up thoughts of sexual abuse to the forefront of my mind. I don’t want talking about private or semi-private parts to be so casual that if someone were to try to exploit him, he wouldn’t know the difference between kids’ jokes and an adult being inappropriate. At the same time, I don’t want him to feel he’s a bad person for trying to be funny or for relating to or mimicking his friends or for trying to play with language or trying to say something unique (like when he takes a phrase from you and replaces it with “stinky butt” or some other potty word). It’s one way for him to say something unique. I don’t want him to lose friends or appear disrespectful to other adults. We tried talking to him and gently explaining to him but he can’t help it.
—No More Butt Talk
Dear No More,
There are three issues at hand here: your son’s constant use of potty language, the mooning, and your concern that he may not know the difference between kid silliness and an adult being predatory. Let’s start with the former. Explain to your son that while “stinky butt” and similar terms may be hilarious to him and his friends, many people do not appreciate hearing that sort of language, including other children who may not share his sense of humor. Ask that he refrain from talking that way with anyone except his close buddies who also use those words. You may want to check out Little Bird’s Bad Word, which tells the tale of a young bird who picks up a word and loves it without realizing that it makes other people feel bad. Since he’s using these terms and making fart noises on a regular basis, you may want to create a chart that tracks how long he can go without doing that in your presence; once he’s made it three or five days without saying those things, you can reward him with extra tablet time or by allowing him to choose dinner. Also, encourage him to explore other ways to be silly with language, such as calling someone a “funky chicken” or a “bad banana.”
The fact that he’s showing his behind is a greater concern, and I would advise you not to assume that every negative behavior your son displays was learned from another kid at school; books, TV shows, and movies can inspire these things, and kids can also come up with uncouth actions on their own. Let him know that his butt is a private part and that he is to never, ever show his private parts to anyone aside from his parents or a doctor. Explain that he could get in very serious trouble at school for pulling his pants down and that exposing oneself in that way is illegal—while it’s unlikely to happen to a child in most circumstances, tell him that people get arrested for doing that sort of thing so he gets a sense for consequences. Be clear that while “stinky butt” may sound funny to him, there is nothing funny about showing his actual butt to people.
Concerning your worry that your son wouldn’t be able to discern childish potty humor from an adult preying on him, it’s important that you have conversations with him about what grown-ups should and should not do with children. Be clear that the potty humor is exclusively for him and his buddies, and that adults should not be speaking to him in that way. Let him know that no adult should talk about nor touch his private parts and that he is to immediately seek help if someone tries to do one of those things. Talk about good touch (such as a teacher putting a hand on his shoulder while encouraging him), bad touch (a coach trying to give him a massage), and the fact that he has the right to reject any sort of physical contact. You might check out a book about the topic to guide your discussions, such as My Body Belongs to Me from My Head to My Toes.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m wondering how people help their kids with decision paralysis. My 7-year-old seems to have trouble making decisions. Example: “What would you like for your school snack? You can have a Z-Bar or bell peppers?” (She likes both.)
Her: “I DONT KNOWWWWWW!! Is that it?!” Me: “Here are a few other choices. Or I can choose.” Her: “I DONT KNOWWWWWW.” And so on and so forth. If I try to move on, she gets upset. I’ve tried fewer choices and more choices and no choices and I’m lost! Help!
—Choices, Choices
Dear Choices,
Decision paralysis is something that affects a lot of us, despite our ages. It can take me days to choose an item from a large selection on Amazon and I’ve learned to start reading restaurant menus ahead of time so that I’m not agonizing over my choice at the table. This may be something that your daughter struggles with forever or it could be something that she grows out of. When it comes to small, insignificant decisions, such as lunchbox snacks, offer her a choice, give her a fixed amount of time—say five minutes—to select one, and if she doesn’t, choose for her. If she finds that she doesn’t like your choices, she’ll learn to start making them on her own. In terms of bigger decisions, such as what extracurricular activity to sign up for, encourage her to make lists weighing the pros and cons of each option and help her make a choice based on those. Teach her to close her eyes and envision what will make her the happiest. Then, instruct her to go with that.
—Jamilah
My husband and I are expecting our third baby later this summer and are in disagreement about how much of our birth plan to share with our families. We’re planning a home birth (while the pandemic has us extra grateful for our planned care, we’ve been planning to birth at home since we became pregnant) in a state where home birth is a little legally shaky. We have engaged a trained home-birth provider who will cross state lines to support us during labor and delivery and feel confident that this choice is safe and right for our family. While my parents know we plan to birth at home and are supportive, I don’t want to tell my husband’s parents.
