Why Traveling Without Your Kids Can Help Make You a Better Parent

From two parents, and friends, who just did it.

Medically reviewed by Samantha Mann

It’s no secret that when you’re a parent, it’s a bit harder to make plans just for yourself. Schedules need arranging, stars need aligning, and often, reasons need justifying—even if it’s just silently. Parent guilt is real, and it can be hard to shake that inner voice that makes you feel like a bad caregiver when you’re simply taking time for yourself.

Still, connecting with one’s identity outside of being a parent is crucial. It’s important to find ways to honor the many parts of yourself that, while may be intertwined with your role as a caregiver, existed well before your children entered the picture. I recently did just that with another parent, without our kids. For four days. In Paris.

My good friend and fellow Parents writer, Taylor Grothe, and I spent a long weekend in Paris at the end of September, right around the autumn equinox. The trip itself was nothing short of magical and beautiful—all the things you’d expect from France on the cusp of fall.

Related: Everyone Told Me Travel With Kids Would Never Be Relaxing. Everyone Was Wrong.

We flew into Orly Airport via French Bee, an airline that offers several nonstop routes from the U.S. to Paris with competitive, affordable rates. For families (or pairs of friends like us) looking to make a similar trip, French Bee offers a handy low fare calendar that demonstrates which months are the most budget-friendly for flying, and an “à la carte” approach to booking, with customizable ticket options. And if you're looking to do more than just Paris, there are combination train and air packages that allow for navigating all around France.

Both of us are nervous flyers, but luckily, our flights were smooth and seamless. With our champagne toast complete and eye masks pulled down tight, we slept (as much as two excited people could) and woke up in Paris, France.

Taylor and I joke now that the trip feels like a fever dream. "Did we even do that?" we’ll text each other several times a week. Part of the reason why is because we barely stopped moving the entire time we were there. From walking six miles a day to eating gluten-free pastries at Copains to exploring the Catacombs, we hardly gave ourselves a moment to rest—and in a good way. We were away from home, away from routine, submerged in what felt like a once-in-a-lifetime memory that we were forging in the present. We wanted to make the most of every minute.

When we did rest, it was at our hotel: the Citadines Opéra Paris. The trendy apartment-style hotel was located in the second arrondissement, in the heart of the city, steps away from atmospheric bistros and cafés, shopping, and tourist attractions—making it the perfect home base for a trip that included a lot of coffee and people-watching. While I have nothing against a straightforward hotel, I always prefer one with a little kitchenette, and the one in our studio was exactly right.

Our Favorite Spots to Spend Time With a Friend in Paris

Despite only being in Paris for a few days, we managed to visit some amazing restaurants and bars. Here's a few of our faves:

• Copains: As mentioned above, Copains is a gluten-free bakery with a wide selection of pastries, breads, croissants, sandwiches, and more. There's a cute outdoor seating area that's perfect for people-watching.

• Café de Flore: A trip to Paris isn't complete without brunch at Café de Flore! Yes it's touristy, and yes you'll likely have to wait in line, but the food (and the vibes) are worth it.

• Le Bimbo: After walking the hilly streets around Montmartre, we grabbed drinks and a cheese plate at Le Bimbo. Weeks later, I'm still thinking about both!

• La Mutinerie: A queer-friendly, feminist bar in the heart of Paris, La Mutinerie was the perfect casual drink spot during our trip.

• Lapérouse: We had to splurge on at least one fancy dinner while abroad, and this was the restaurant to do it. With gorgeous atmosphere, a pianist who turned Lana Del Ray into classical music, and a crème brûlée we're still talking about, Lapérouse was truly a magical part of our trip.
  

I would be remiss not to acknowledge the incredible privilege of being able to do something like this, as childcare and flexible schedules are not a universal guarantee—and are not always accessible to me, either. I feel incredibly lucky and fortunate to have gotten the chance to spend four days with a good friend, in a beautiful city, and feel reminded of all the pieces of myself that exist outside of being a parent.

And that’s not to say that I didn’t miss my kid—I absolutely did. I FaceTimed her and showed her the Eiffel Tower and tried to explain time zones while she ate breakfast. I felt guilty, at times, knowing that I was here and she was there. And I won’t lie, I asked myself more than once: Was I a bad mom for doing this? 

There’s an idea that after you become a parent, everything you do has to revolve around your children. That somehow, you’re less than an ideal parent if you do something for yourself instead. That you’re supposed to put your children first and put yourself last in every scenario, that there’s no room to think of yourself as a separate entity than who you are in relation to your child.

"This trip restored something I’d been lacking. Traveling with a friend helped me break free to be my own person."

Taylor Grothe

But the truth is that taking time to celebrate who you are outside of parenthood is essential for maintaining positive mental health...which, in turn, helps your kids. "Parental well-being is critical to the development and well-being of children," explains Anjali Ferguson, PhD, clinical psychologist. "Many times, individuals feel that pouring into their children completely ensures that they are being an effective parent; however, you cannot pour from an empty cup and only focusing on your child's needs while ignoring your own places you at risk for burnout."

I’m a lot of things outside of being a parent—a writer, an editor, a Swiftie, and a friend. Accessing those other parts of myself—and taking time to celebrate them with someone who knows me in a capacity other than parenthood—always leaves me not only feeling refreshed, but like I'm a full human being.

Taylor and I talked a lot about this while away, and they fully agree. "The mental health benefits of a friend trip instead of a family trip were astronomical for me," Taylor reflects. "Instead of being a hypervigilant caretaker, I was able to actually enjoy time off. My stress levels were so much lower. I felt in control of the trip, instead of the trip controlling me."

It's so important to maintain a sense of self at all times, and that rings especially true when you become a parent. "Parents can sometimes lose their identity [in their children]," points out Reena B Patel, parenting expert, positive psychologist, and licensed educational board certified behavior analyst. "Having adult conversations and doing adult activities helps to create a balance."

After all, before we were parents, we were just ourselves. And, if you think about it, we’re always every version of ourselves that came before—and we always will be. "It is important to remember that you were a whole individual before becoming a parent," says Dr. Ferguson. "One with interests, hobbies, relationships, etc. that were not connected to children and parenting. These external identities are intersectional to your current title, and still define who you are."

And it’s important for our kids to see their parents doing just that. When kids witness their parents or caregivers going out with friends, chasing dreams, or engaging in meaningful hobbies, it helps shape their worldview of what it’s like to be a well-rounded adult. "Children model what their parents do," agrees Patel. "Setting up healthy self care routines will encourage them to do the same when they are older."

The other bonus to doing things for yourself as a parent? It allows you to feel more present with your kids when you’re done.

This was entirely true for my trip; I was more present with my daughter when I came home, and felt like I was able to find more energy to play and read and be all the things that she needs me to be. Taylor felt that way as well.

"The trip definitely restored something I’d been lacking," they explain. "It helped me break free to be my own person. Not only that, it helped me to put the day-to-day life of being a parent in perspective: sometimes, when I clash with my kids over little things, it’s hard for me to see those issues as finite and passing. But by the end of the trip, I was excited to go home—and if you’re in the midst of a tough part of parenting, you know how precious that is."

Dr. Ferguson points out that parenting, despite being joyful, can be incredibly isolating and self-consuming. Getting a change of scenery with other adults can help remind us that we aren't alone. "It also gives you time to reflect on the aspects of parenting you enjoy so that you can be more mindful of those things with a physical reset," she says.

In a world that’s full of busy schedules, making lunches, and to-do lists at work, finding a few days—or even a few moments—to connect with your pre-parent self is endlessly valuable. I’m so grateful that I got to do this with a friend, in one of the most beautiful cities in the world. It’s something I won’t forget, and I’ll allow it to continue to remind me of all the ways I’m not just a parent, but an entire person, too.

Related: Why It’s So Important To Travel With Your Nuclear Family

For more Parents news, make sure to sign up for our newsletter!

Read the original article on Parents.