There’s A Psychological Reason You’re Afraid Of Being Alone
You wake up the morning after a great night spent with friends, and before you can even reminisce about how you much fun you had, you're gripped with fear. Everyone is gone, which means you're—don't say it, don't say it—alone. It doesn't matter that you were just surrounded by the people who love you, the fear of being alone has crept in, and it's here to stay.
While you definitely know what this fear feels like, you might not know much else about it. Here's the scoop: It's a legit fear, officially known as autophobia, or monophobia.
If you have autophobia, ironically, you're not alone. It's a pretty common fear, says Chloe Carmichael, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Manhattan. "It's also a common goal to have a partner."
But that doesn't make it any easier to understand—or overcome. "For people who are afraid of being alone, it’s a very powerful fear that has a big influence over how they live," says Jill Squyres, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Vail, Colorado.
Meet the Experts:
Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a clinical psychologist in Manhattan.
Jill Squyres, PhD is a clinical psychologist in Vail, Colorado.
David Tzall, PsyD is a clinical psychologist in New York City.
And while you can't snap your fingers and make your fear disappear (I wish), you can learn everything about it, so that the next time it happens, you're ready to take it on.
Is your fear of being alone normal?
Short answer: yes.
A certain level of fear is good for you because it’s "an evolutionary response that helps you survive," says Carmichael. "From an evolutionary psychology standpoint, human beings are tribal animals."
In fact, "people who felt nervous or afraid when they were alone quickly rejoined their tribe or clan, so they wouldn't get hurt with no one to help," adds Squyres. Consequently, these people were more likely to live to adulthood and have children. So your fear isn’t designed to scare or sadden you, but to give you the best chance of survival.
But how do you know if it's a phobia?
You know you have a serious fear of being alone when you always feel like you need another person or other people around in order to feel safe—even in a place that's supposed to be comforting, like your home. As soon as you're by yourself, you "may feel intensely lonely, bored, or anxious," says Squyres.
If this happens a few times, that's totally normal. But if you start to notice a pattern of fear, panic, or intense sadness every time you’re alone, then, she says, your discomfort is severe. And it might even cause you physical discomfort, like stomach aches, headaches, sore back or muscles, or even sleepiness, she adds.
So, yeah, it's way more than just being bummed you're single. Believe it or not, you can have this fear even when you're in a relationship (more on that later).
You may also have trouble concentrating or getting tasks done, which can affect your professional life. "Fear of being alone can hold you back from success in many professions because working alone might be required for good job performance or advancement," says Squyres.
Your fear could also hold you back from doing things you want to, just because you're flying solo. Granted, some things are no fun if you’re by yourself, like karaoke or eating out alone on Valentine’s Day (sorry, it's true).
Single or not, though, you can enjoy this sweet V-Day treat...
But "there's a difference between avoiding things that no one likes to do alone versus avoiding things that are perfectly normal to do alone—grocery shopping, getting a haircut," says Squyres.
Where does your fear come from?
There are three main causes of your fear, according to Squyres:
It can be a sign of a phobia about being alone.
It can be a result of a trauma in which you were harmed because you were alone and vulnerable, or you had no one to help you deal with a horrifying event.
It can be part of a larger panic disorder or borderline personality disorder where an inability to self-soothe and fear of abandonment are additional factors at play.
How does your fear impact your relationships?
With romantic relationships, you might "find yourself compromising and going out with someone who's treated you really poorly—just because you'd rather do that than be alone," says Carmichael. That could lead you into rushing into a relationship with someone you don't even like that much (which probs explains why it doesn't last).
The same thing can happen with friendships. In fact, having a fear of being alone can actually prevent you from being fully present or being yourself. “If you fear being alone, you may just stick to friendships that don’t offer much value, and you won’t open up to [friends] for fear they might abandon you,” says David Tzall, a licensed clinical psychologist based in New York City. “This makes you small in the friendship, and you’ll be people-pleasing in order to get people to like you—even if you may not like them very much!”
This fear can also impact familial relationships in a huge way. “If you have a fear of being alone, you may always worry that your family is going to leave you or upset you in some way,” adds Tzall. “You’ll always be on the lookout for signs that your family may abandon you or value other members of the family more than you do, which will make you clingy and depressed.” For example, you might find yourself trying to impress family members at certain gatherings, or making up stories about your professional or romantic life in order to be liked.
Most importantly, though, it messes up your relationship with yourself. You might start catastrophic thinking, which is when negative thoughts about yourself snowball in your head. "If you're alone right now, don't spin that into a fear [that you’re] always going to be alone," advises Carmichael. "Remember that—by definition—every other single person in the world has also not yet met their life partner."
How can you overcome this fear of being alone?
While this fear can be challenging and cause you to think you’ll always be this way, all is not lost. Here, experts offer some tips to help you overcome autophobia in an effective, calming way:
1. Face your fear. Ignoring your fear is pretty dangerous because that's when you're "actually the most vulnerable to self-sabotaging, unhealthy behavior," like getting really clingy with someone you just started dating, explains Carmichael. Instead, she encourages you to confront your fear by answering some hard questions: Is my fear signaling that I'm really afraid I'm not good enough to attract someone? Am I afraid of choosing the wrong person? Am I afraid of getting hurt along the way?
2. Calm your nervous system. Meditation and yoga can help slow down your knee-jerk reactions to fear by teaching you to focus on your breath or to count to 10 over and over again. Once you're calmer, you're better able to respond to your fear logically, and not go into catastrophic thinking or worry you’ll be alone forever.
3. Practice being alone for a certain amount of time each day. Yes, it might suck, but you gotta try it! Squyres recommends starting with a small goal, like 15 minutes. Do that every day for a week, and then increase the goal to 30 minutes. Keep gradually increasing the amount of time each week. Proving to yourself that you can be alone should help you overcome your fear.
4. Examine your belief system. “Often times, we worry about being alone because we think we’re not good enough for people or that everyone can’t be trusted, because once upon a time someone hurt us, and we’re still holding onto that,” says Tzall. “It helps to journal these beliefs and fight them with logic, in order to realize your fears are irrational.”
5. Soak in self-love. Yes, it sounds like a total cliché, but self-love really can help you feel more comfortable being alone. “When you do things you enjoy and take care of yourself, you automatically enjoy your [own] company more,” adds Tzall. This will also help you recognize what you deserve, so that you don’t stay in situations that are no longer good for you or people-please due to a fear of abandonment.
When should you seek therapy for autophobia?
If your fear is more severe (a.k.a. it does impact your personal and professional life), psychotherapy can help you learn to overcome it, says Squyres. "A good therapist can teach relaxation and breathing techniques to master fear, anxiety, panic, and emotional arousal," she explains. Cognitive behavior therapy, in particular, can help you examine and counter the negative messages you tell yourself about loneliness so you stop thinking of it as something scary or dangerous. You may even consider seeing a psychiatrist who can tell you whether or not antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication might help manage your fear.
“I would also encourage people to seek therapy if they see they’re always having the same relationship patterns, just with different people,” adds Tzall. “A good therapist can catch these cycles as they happen, and help give the client the correct tools to break it.”
"Learning to feel comfortable by yourself is an important part of emotional well-being," notes Squyres. "Ultimately, we all need to learn that our true sense of safety comes from within ourselves."
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