Why Jimmy Kimmel And His Wife ‘Didn't Want To Get Too Close’ to Their Son When He Was First Born
The first few months of a baby’s life can be scary and stressful for any parent. But for Jimmy Kimmel and his wife Molly McNearney, whose son was born with a life-threatening medical condition, those first months came with a whole other layer of emotional challenges as they dealt with the scary situation. In a new interview in the April issue of O, The Oprah Magazine, Kimmel revealed how he and McNearney navigated this difficult period after welcoming their son Billy, who was born last year with a rare heart condition (tetralogy of fallot with pulmonary atresia).
After his April 2017 birth, Billy immediately underwent open heart surgery to treat the issue. The procedure was successful, but Billy still would still need to undergo another major operation, which he had in December. And, in the interview, the television host talked about the dark thoughts he and McNearney kept from each other while their son’s health was still in a precarious state in the months between the two procedures.
“There were secrets we kept from each other that we revealed only after the second surgery. The biggest one was that, I think subconsciously, we didn’t want to get too close to the baby because we didn’t know what was going to happen,” the late-night host told the magazine. “I don’t know if that’s right or wrong or common or uncommon. But when I told [my wife] I was feeling that way, she said, ‘Oh I’m so happy you said that because I was feeling that way too, and I didn’t want to express it.’”
There is no right or wrong way for parents to react to a stressful, uncertain situation like this.
“You have this expectation that you’re going to have this baby, be in the hospital for a day or two, and go home. And then you’re told your baby has a heart condition—and you’ve lost [all of that],” Courtney Corbitt, a licensed social worker in the pediatric and cardiac intensive care unit (PICU) at UC Davis Children's Hospital, tells SELF. “There’s fear, there’s grief, there’s a sense of a loss of control, a sense of failure.”
Although it may seem callous to an outsider, a parent’s conscious or subconscious desire to not get too attached to a child they may lose is a normal response to an incredibly tough situation. “You’re afraid to bond with the baby because you think, ‘If I don’t bond, then it won’t hurt as much [if I lose them]. And it’ll hurt more if I love them,’“ Corbitt says.
This fear is totally understandable, and it doesn’t mean that you’re lacking a strong connection to your child, Corbitt says. “I think a fear of bonding with your child right there tells you that you’ve bonded already.”
It’s also normal for parents to keep these types of feelings to themselves, partly because they may feel guilty for even having those thoughts.
“There’s all this self-blame,” Corbitt explains. But couples also may not share these things because they feel like they need to stay strong and optimistic for each other. “Each person takes responsibility for being supportive and hopeful and positive,” Corbitt says, which makes them feel like they can’t or shouldn’t reveal these more vulnerable emotions.
Of course, each parent can decide what they’re comfortable sharing with the other, but neither should feel the pressure to be “the strong one” during this time when they both need tremendous emotional support. Friends and family members can be an invaluable source of comfort, but it’s likely that no one understands what you’re going through more than your partner. So keeping that connection honest and open is crucial.
“It’s important to have this safe place to talk to each other,” Corbitt says, pointing out that there’s “no way” that any parent who has a child in the NICU [neonatal ICU] hasn’t thought about their child dying, even if they don’t share that fear with their spouse. “You’ll be amazed at what a relief can come from each other, because they’re [both] thinking that.”
It’s OK to have trouble expressing those anxieties—but there are ways to approach these conversations that will make them easier on you and your partner.
First off, know that, with your partner, you’re in an emotionally safe space to get vulnerable. From there, Corbitt suggests saying something to your partner along the lines of, “I’m not giving up or anything, but this is what scares me,” if you feel you need to.
It’s also helpful to preface the conversation with what you are—or aren’t—looking for from your partner. For instance, you can tell them something like, “I’m going to share some stuff with you. I don’t want you to fix it, I don’t need reassurance, I don’t need reinforcement. I just need you to listen.”
Parents may also benefit from individual or couples counseling, which is something that can begin in the ICU with the aid of a crisis counselor on staff at the hospital. Alternatively, Corbitt recommends establishing a relationship with an outside therapist who can “follow you from the beginning of your crisis” and stick with you as you go home so that you don’t have to start over with a new therapist after leaving the hospital.
Right now, Kimmel and McNearney are feeling optimistic about their son’s health and prepared to face future obstacles managing Billy’s heart condition. “He’ll have another surgery when he’s around 6 or 7 years old,” Kimmel said, “but in the meantime, he’s doing great.” And when it comes to dealing with the complicated thoughts and emotions that may arise along the way, they can at least feel a sense of security knowing they can share those with each other.
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