Here's Why Enmeshed Families Can Be Dysfunctional
How close is too close? Healthy families aren't all alike, but enmeshed families involve members who disregard boundaries.
Medically reviewed by Emily Edlynn, PhD
Most people aspire to have a close-knit family. They want to build strong bonds as their kids grow up so that they not only enjoy spending time together, but also support one another through tough challenges.
That said, there is such a thing as being too close. When this happens, it's often referred to as enmeshment. Keep reading to learn more about enmeshed families, how to recognize the signs, and how to heal if you experienced enmeshment.
What Is an Enmeshed Family?
Enmeshed families usually have unclear and permeable personal boundaries. When boundaries are blurred or not clearly defined, it becomes difficult for each family member to develop a healthy level of independence and autonomy.
Enmeshment also goes beyond the bonds of a close family. It often involves a level of control where parents attempt to manipulate their children's thoughts and feelings.
Parents may also rely too heavily on their children for emotional support and even try to live their lives through their children's activities and achievements.
When enmeshment occurs in families, it's hard for people to develop a sense of self, engage in peer relationships, and regulate their emotions.
Signs of an Enmeshed Family
In an enmeshed family, there's an expectation that the children will develop and adhere to the same belief systems as their parents. Children also have pressure to follow parental expectations, such as the career path laid out by the parents, as well as an expectation that the family unit will be the center of their world.
Other signs of enmeshment include:
A lack of privacy between the parents and children
Expectations that children be best friends with the parents
Parents confiding in the children or expecting the kids to provide emotional support
Parents telling one of the kids that they are the favorite child
Children receiving special attention for maintaining or going along with enmeshment
Parents being overly involved in the child's life
Children from enmeshed families are discouraged from having a life outside of the family. They face pressure to remain physically close to home and aren't pushed to pursue their own interests. For instance, they might be expected to put the needs of the family before anything else, including their college and career aspirations.
If these children do decide to pursue a life apart from the family, they're often met with extreme resistance. The other family members may try to manipulate them and make them feel guilty for stepping outside the family's expectations. They may even be cut off financially for trying to separate from the family.
Likewise, children from enmeshed families may feel like they have to take care of their parents emotionally. And they often feel guilty if they put their own needs first.
Those in an enmeshed family are expected to look inside the family for satisfaction and support, rather than turning to the larger world. This habit may stunt their growth as individuals because they often don't learn collaboration or conflict resolution.
Closeness vs. Enmeshment
Of course, close families have their benefits. Research has shown that family cohesion reduces stress from outside sources and improves the overall health of family members.
Hispanic families, for example, are traditionally close. According to research, that closeness may contribute to the longer lifespans that Hispanic Americans generally enjoy.
Here are some differences between having a close family and having an enmeshed one.
Supporting identity and self-esteem
In healthy family relationships, closeness does not mean sacrificing identity or self-esteem for the sake of the family, as seen with enmeshment. This cohesiveness is marked by support for one another, warmth, and intimacy without compromising one another's emotional well-being.
Respecting the need for privacy and independence
Healthy families enjoy spending time together, but they still respect the other family members' needs for privacy and independence. They freely allow one another to have a life and relationships outside of the family, and they enjoy coming together individually or as a group when they can.
For most healthy families, the goal is to stay in touch without being demanding or intrusive.
Supporting others' goals and dreams
Close families also support one another as they pursue their dreams and goals, and they provide guidance when times get tough. However, they don't use this family closeness as a weapon or a tool to get what they want. They respect and love one another unconditionally.
Negative Effects of Enmeshed Families
There are many negative effects of an enmeshed family, including the following.
Displacement of other relationships
When families are too close, other normal relationships can become displaced. Consequently, it's difficult for the family members to distinguish where one family member ends and another begins, so much so that they often report being able to "feel" one another's emotions.
Low self-esteem
People who grow up in enmeshed families often struggle to develop a sense of identity and therefore experience low self-esteem. They avoid taking healthy risks and become reluctant to try new things.
Many people living in an enmeshed family struggle with feeling controlled, which may cause them to either lash out or completely withdraw.
Feelings of guilt and shame
Enmeshed families are also deeply impacted by the decisions of the other family members. For instance, a family member's decision to take a job in a distant city can cause great consternation, as the belief may be that the family is being betrayed and abandoned.
In a healthy family, this decision may cause sadness, but it's not seen as a betrayal of the family. In an enmeshed family, however, members are made to feel guilty if they don't visit enough, call enough, or if they miss family events. By contrast, in a healthy family, such members may receive some complaints or some teasing, but they are not made to feel guilty.
Tendency to form unhealthy relationships
Another type of dysfunctional behavior observed in enmeshed families is that alliances within the family are constantly being formed, broken, and re-formed—mostly because family members are expected to choose sides on every issue.
Consequently, people who grow up in enmeshed families often have a hard time developing healthy relationships with others. For instance, they may be overly guarded in relationships because they fear that opening up and sharing their lives with another person will be draining.
They may also seek out partners who thrust them into the caretaker role, repeating what they know. This also can increase their risk of experiencing an emotionally abusive and physically abusive relationship.
How to Heal From Enmeshment
People who have grown up in an enmeshed family may benefit from counseling. Therapy can help them understand how enmeshment has impacted them, and it may provide insight into how different patterns of unhealthy behavior are being repeated in other relationships so that they can be changed or modified.
For instance, a therapist may work with you on the following:
Finding healthier ways of communicating
Building independence
Breaking unhealthy habits
Improving self-esteem
Although the roles and habits of enmeshed families can be hard to break, it's still possible to implement change. If you're recovering from enmeshment and don't want to repeat it with your children, find a counselor to help you change your mindset and your habits.
How to Prevent Enmeshment
If you grew up in an enmeshed family, you might resort to old thoughts and feelings when raising your children. You can avoid this trap by learning about enmeshment, and you may also benefit from consistent counseling. Here are other ways to prevent becoming an enmeshed family.
Encourage your child's independence
Encourage your child's independence and autonomy as they get older, and promote relationships outside of the family. And if you struggle with your children not making the family the center of their world, ask a counselor for help working through your feelings.
Create your own identity apart from your kids
Allow your kids the independence and freedom to be who they are. To help you feel more balanced in your relationship with them, have your own hobbies and interests outside of your kids' interests. Work hard to create an identity that's unique to you and not based on your family.
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