Why New Dads Should Take Paternity Leave
If you live in the U.S., non-gestational parents are entitled to parental leave through the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA). Here's how to access it.
Did you know that the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA), which entitles gestational parents to 12 weeks off work within a baby's first year, promises the same time off to non-gestational parents? That means your partner can be home with you in those first all-absorbing months or take over when you return to work. If you time it right, you could have up to six months without daycare.
You're not alone if paternity leave has never crossed your mind (beyond a few vacation days after the baby arrives). And don't be surprised if your partner's manager hasn't clued them in. According to a 2021 Claim Vantage survey of front-line managers' understanding of FMLA, only 11% of managers were knowledgeable about the benefit.
Parental leave through FMLA is unpaid, but you or your partner may have access to paid parental leave as a work benefit. In addition, about a dozen states have paid family leave. Each state law is unique in its guidelines for the benefits. Either way, if you can swing it, the mental and physical benefits paid to your entire clan will be colossal.
Read on to learn about why parental leave is critical for non-gestational parents, plus some practical advice for combatting obstacles that get in the way of parental leave.
Related: These Are the Best Companies to Work for if You're a Parent
The Importance of Parental Leave for All Parents
While pregnancy and labor trigger caregiving instincts (thank you, oxytocin!), a non-gestational parent needs quality time with their kiddo for their brain to shift into parent mode, says Paul Raeburn, author of Do Fathers Matter? What Science Is Telling Us About the Parent We've Overlooked.
Benefit for babies
One study found that fathers who listened to babies' cries had neural (nervous system) activation involved in empathy and approach motivation. The younger the infant, the stronger the paternal neural response.
Researchers have also found that how dads play with infants tends to be more physical and may result in kids learning to regulate their emotions. In infancy, this type of play may look like moving a baby's limbs, bouncing, and tickling.
Early time with Pops is also linked to better cognitive development. In a 2017 study, researchers evaluated father-child pairs at 3 and 24 months to determine how their interactions impacted a child's cognitive development at 2 years. They found that kids whose dads were more withdrawn and depressed at 3 months had lower cognitive scores than those whose fathers were more engaged, sensitive, and less controlling in interactions in infancy.
Benefit for parents
A 2023 Lancet study found that dads who took paternity leave had a reduced likelihood of reporting postpartum depression. Another study from the same time found similar results for moms.
A 2023 review of 45 studies found that women had improved mental health when they had access to more generous parental leave. Increased length of leave was associated with the following reduced risk of poor maternal mental health:
Depressive symptoms
Psychological distress and burnout
Lower mental health care uptake
While neither study found evidence that paternity leave improved a mom's mental health, other studies have found it could. For example, studies of countries where dads have access to paid paternal leave have found this leave benefits gestational parents, too.
These studies of populations in Sweden and Norway found the following benefits of paternity leave for gestational parents:
14% decrease in the likelihood of needing care for childbirth-related complications
26% decrease in the likelihood of needing anti-anxiety medication
11% reduction in the likelihood of having an antibiotic prescription
Reduced sick absence rate of those who had recently given birth
Greater maternal sleep at six months after birth
As Jim Stokes-Buckles can attest, paternity leave may do great things for your relationship. The Massachusetts father of two took two months off after his first baby. "It gave me a feeling of equal partnership with my wife," he says. "I know I can do anything she can do with regard to the kids."
Related: We Need to Talk About Dad's Mental Health—And Not Just During Men's Mental Health Awareness Month
Barriers to Accessing Parental Leave
That said, without a federal policy guaranteeing paid parental leave, it may feel out of reach for many people. Barriers like affordability and fears about the impact on their career are things that gestational and non-gestational parents face when contemplating taking parental leave after a new baby arrives.
Even so, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, first-time dads are more likely to take time off than ever before after the birth of their first child. Before 1975, only 7.5% of dads took time off work after the arrival of a new baby, but between 2016 and 2019, 66.5% of fathers took some form of leave.
While some have access to paid parental leave as a work benefit, most tapped into other forms of paid time off or took unpaid leave, including:
33.1% had access to paid parental leave.
35.1% took paid vacation time.
10% took paid sick leave.
20.4% took unpaid leave.
Related: Science Says Taking Paternity Leave Is Great for Your Relationship
Affordability
If a non-gestational parent doesn't have access to paid parental leave, going without a paycheck just as you introduce a new family member is a hardship many people can't afford. Consider this: According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA), parents are expected to spend over $233,000 to raise a child from birth to 17. It's no wonder that one-third of new dads don't take any leave after the arrival of a new baby.
While still not the norm, more employees are offering paid parental leave. As of 2023, 32% of U.S. employers offered paid paternity leave. That number should continue to rise as more major corporations improve their policies to be competitive. For example, check out the following parental leave policies from these top companies:
DocuSign: 6 months of paid leave for new parents
Google: 18-24 weeks of paid leave for new parents
Etsy: 26 weeks of paid parental leave
American Express: 20 weeks of paid parental leave
Some states also enact laws outside the workplace to guarantee paid time off to new parents. The following states offer some paid parental leave:
California
Colorado
Connecticut
Washington D.C.
Delaware
Massachusetts
New Hampshire
New York
Oregon
Rhode Island
Washington
Wisconsin
So, what can you do if you don't have these benefits? Research benefits at competitors and use them as leverage to push for similar perks, says Delta Emerson, former EVP and chief of staff at Ryan, a tax services firm that instated more flexible parental leave. You can also check your state's laws at NCSL.org (navigate to "Employee Leave" under "Labor and Employment").
Another selling point for non-gestational parents to present to their boss: Offering paid paternity leave may improve a company's bottom line. Emerson says that revenue, employee, and client satisfaction went up when Ryan implemented better work-life policies, while staff turnover decreased. If you're wary of advocating for change solo, consider starting a parents' group at the office to make the case together. Power in numbers!
If work's not budging on money, turn negotiations to time. Since paternity leave is more about bonding than recovering, non-gestational parents might choose instead to stagger their unpaid weeks, which may be easier financially than going a longer period without pay. Or, consider just a few weeks of leave instead. It'll slash the hit to the family bank account while still giving invaluable hours with your new nugget.
Related: Just How Much Does It Cost To Raise a Child These Days?
Career concerns
Parental leave may affect parents of all genders' careers, but not now how you might expect. Research has shown that as women become mothers, they are penalized at work, but the same is not true for men. In contrast, becoming a father is associated with a pay premium. Thus, some refer to this as "motherhood penalties and fatherhood premiums."
According to studies, women who take parental leave are less likely to be promoted, move into management, or receive a pay raise once their leave is over. In addition, they are at greater risk of being fired or demoted.
For men, there is less data to suggest parental leave negatively impacts their careers. In fact, some studies have found the opposite—men who take paternity leave are seen positively and may even have more positive career outcomes. This tracks with overall gender-based workplace inequality.
Even so, men may face stigma when they take parental leave. Ben Eggleston, an auto insurance representative and new dad in Irvine, California, took his 12 weeks of FMLA leave to the tune of "friendly teasing from people at work, like 'Must be nice getting all this time off to sit home and relax,'" he says.
Another problem: A non-gestational parent's co-workers may not respect their time off. "I had this romantic idea of paternity leave—that he'd be home with me, and we'd swap who got up in the night," says Allison Evans, a new mom in Ohio whose husband, Dave, took time off when their daughter was born. "But the people he worked with were like, 'You have a baby! Congrats—here's a gift card. Now, can you come to this meeting?'"
Research backs up this anecdote: Men and women tend to have different work-related expectations during parental leave, with men spending their leave doing more work-related and career-focused tasks than women.
To prevent getting glued to a laptop, a non-gestational parent should discuss leave with management as early as possible. Battle pushback by presenting a list of accomplishments, adds Scott J. Behson, PhD, an associate professor at Fairleigh Dickinson University. Remember, you're legally entitled to the time at the end of the day!
In the case of requesting extras, such as staggered weeks off, a non-gestational parent should define a plan of how they'll meet responsibilities, says Chris Duchesne, former VP of global workplace solutions for Care.com: "Focus on measurable goals and the company's needs, not your own. How will this be a win for them?"
But sometimes, your own worst enemy is you—especially if you're passionate about your job. As a surgeon, Dave Evans worked as many as 90 hours a week before his daughter was born. "All of a sudden, there's this other more important thing in your life, and it's hard to adjust," he says. To help: Ask a colleague to call with big news so you'll feel connected without spiraling into an email black hole.
Related: I'm a Stay-at-Home Dad Trying To Get Back Into the Workforce and I See Why Moms Say It's So Hard
When to take leave
Many non-gestational parents consider when to take leave since FMLA leave can occur anytime in a baby's first year. The optimal strategy, says No Regrets Parenting author Harley Rotbart, MD, is to divide leave. He suggests considering the following:
A couple of weeks at birth, when gestational parents need the most help
A few around 3 months, when the other parent returns to work
The rest between 6 and 9 months, when babies interact more and become even more fun to be around
You could also try scheduling some overlap. Eggleston's first week of paternity leave was his wife's last. "It cost a little more—we had to put our baby in daycare one week sooner than if we had completely divided our leave," he says. "But it meant we could spend time together as a family."
Whatever happens, non-gestational parents should be there for the first few days after delivery—and you should both resist the urge to invite everyone and their dog over for ogling. Ideally, parents have a few days together to just figure it out, have fun, and explore how to handle the baby, says Paula Levy, a licensed family therapist in Westport, Connecticut.
Related: What the First Week With a Newborn Is Really Like
Key Takeaways
In a country that does not guarantee parental leave, accessing this time off can have barriers for gestational and non-gestational parents alike. However, if non-gestational parents can find a way to take parental leave, the benefits can be enormous. Start researching the laws in your state and your company's benefits policy to see if you qualify for paid leave. If not, you may be able to tap into paid vacation and sick time or stagger unpaid leave.
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