Why You Should Ask Your Partner About How They Communicate *Before* Getting Serious
There are a lot of good feelings out there: taking the first bite of a hot slice of pizza, or climbing into a freshly-made bed after a long, seemingly endless day. But no feel-good feeling beats the butterflies you get at the beginning of a new romantic relationship.
Not only is the sensation of falling in love one of the best feelings in the world, but there’s also still so much to learn about your new beau. That’s why asking lots of questions is a great way to facilitate the process of getting to know one another.
“Asking thoughtful questions can help establish a common ground between you as it will help you to identify and bond over shared interests and values,” says Saba Harouni Lurie, LMFT, a Los Angeles-based therapist and founder of Take Root Therapy.
But you don’t just want to bombard or interrogate your sweetheart with millions of thoughtless questions. Asking your partner about themself shouldn’t just be about “life resume swapping,” but rather, wanting to get a better sense of who they are, says Stephanie Mintz, LMFT, a relationship therapist in Playa Vista, California. “By asking questions, you are creating emotional intimacy, which is about deepening your connection and helping to strengthen and progress your relationship.”
Meet the Experts:
Saba Harouni Lurie, LMFT, is a Los Angeles-based therapist and founder of Take Root Therapy.
Stephanie Mintz, LMFT, is a relationship therapist based in Playa Vista, California.
Don’t know what kinds of questions to ask, or even where to start? Ahead, check out 21 fun and thought-provoking questions to ask your partner at the beginning of a blossoming relationship.
1. What do you like to do for fun?
It might sound straightforward, but Harouni Lurie recommends asking your partner this question because it helps you learn more about their personality. Whether your partner likes to play video games, read romance novels, or crochet, learning about their favorite activities and hobbies can give you a clearer glimpse into how they spend their free time, along with their passions.
2. What’s your biggest pet peeve?
Sure, you want to know what your partner likes—but it’s just as important to know what they dislike, too! Whether your partner can’t stand loud chewing or hates when drivers fail to use their turn signal, everyone ultimately has that one little thing that really grinds their gears.
3. If you won the billion dollar lottery, what would you do?
This might sound like a fun, light question, but how someone chooses to spend their money can actually tell you a lot about them. “This question lets you know things like if they enjoy their work, if they are philanthropic, if they are into lots of material things, if they like to travel, or if they want to help their family,” Mintz says.
4. What are your goals in life, and how do you see our relationship fitting into those goals?
This question can tell you a lot about your partner’s dreams and sense of ambition, whether that’s regarding their career, love life, or otherwise. “It can also help you understand how they see the relationship developing and whether your goals align,” Harouni Lurie says. “If you have the same or similar long-term goals, including how you conceptualize a relationship developing, you can better understand your compatibility.”
5. What is your favorite memory from childhood?
Sharing a specific memory can paint a clearer picture of how your partner’s past impacts who they are today, says Mintz. “As they are sharing, you can get an idea of what their past was like, what is significant to them, and who the important people in their lives might be,” she explains.
6. What’s your love language?
Asking about your partner’s love language is a great way to learn more about who they are and what makes them feel happy and appreciated. (ICYDK, there are five love languages: physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and gift giving.) In fact, starting a conversation about love languages can "provide an easy way to curate a conversation about meeting one another's needs in a relationship," Indigo Stray Conger, a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist, previously told Women's Health.
7. What’s your ideal date?
This is a fun one! Better yet? You can keep your S.O.’s answer in your back pocket to surprise them with their perfect date.
8. Does your family have any traditions?
This is a great question to ask if you’re gearing up to meet the 'rents. Mintz recommends these sorts of questions in tandem:
Did your family always eat together?
Is—or was—your family religious?
Did you and your family ever do certain activities during particular times of the year?
All of these can tell you a bit more about your partner’s family dynamic and history.
9. How did your family celebrate exciting moments—like birthdays, holidays, and achievements—when you were growing up?
Rather than asking your partner if they've always been close with their family, questions like this one can give you a better idea of your partner’s relationship with their parents and siblings during childhood, explains Mintz. “Closeness” is a subjective (and sometimes nuanced) concept, so “instead of just asking if someone is close with their family, this gives you an idea of what that ‘closeness’ looks like,” Mintz says.
10. What are you most grateful for in life?
Practicing gratitude is always important, and the way your partner answers this question can also give you some insight into their attitude on life: Are they generally someone who practices gratitude? Is there anything they may take for granted, or something they’re particularly scared to lose? “Asking a [new] partner about what they’re grateful for in life can offer you insight into their values and what they care about,” Harouni Lurie says.
11. What does good communication look like to you?
Repeat after me: Healthy communication is at the heart of a healthy relationship. “Asking about communication can help you understand how your partner likes to express themselves and how they process information,” Harouni Lurie says. “It can also create an opportunity to discuss how to work together to avoid misunderstandings.”
12. What are you looking for in a relationship?
This one might be a no-brainer, but it’s crucial that you and your new boo want the same things in a relationship, whether that’s something very low-key, serious, or somewhere in between. “Making sure you are going to be dating for the same reasons helps with potential frustrations and possible heartbreak,” says Mintz.
13. What’s your astrological sign?
Sure, not everyone believes in astrology, but this is still a fun one to ask! Is your relationship written in the stars?
14. What are your deal breakers or boundaries in a relationship, and how can we respect each other’s boundaries?
Harouni Lurie recommends asking this question to really get a sense of your relationship’s limits and expectations. “Prioritizing respect at the start of a relationship will also allow you to build a foundation of mutual care,” she says.
15. What makes you happiest?
Not only is this just a cute question, but your partner’s answer can also tell you a lot about their interests, hobbies, and priorities.
16. How do you handle conflict?
In any relationship, it’s important to understand how people handle and resolve conflict. “Asking about how your partner handles conflict can help you to understand more about their communication style, problem-solving skills, and emotional intelligence,” explains Harouni Lurie. This way, if and when you and your S.O. face any conflicts down the road, you’ll be ready.
17. What type of trip would you take if you could go anywhere tomorrow?
Starting to plan your first vacay together? Mintz recommends this question because it can help you see if your partner is spontaneous, as well as what they like to do when they’re in relaxation mode.
18. What are the best lessons you've learned from past relationships?
Past relationships can be a touchy subject for some, but Harouni Lurie still strongly encourages asking your new boo this question. This question can “help to identify potential patterns, areas for personal development, and how they might approach building healthier relationships moving forward,” she explains.
19. What is an experience you’ve had before we met that you would have liked to experience with me?
It’s always nice to relive positive, fun memories, and share them with your S.O. And along with that, this question can reveal how well your partner knows you, Mintz points out. “In order to add you to the experience, they have to know enough about you to know which of their experiences you would have liked and what you both have in common,” she explains.
20. What does intimacy look like to you?
Get your mind out of the gutter! For some, sure, intimacy can look like sex and physical touch—but at its core, intimacy is all about building trust and understanding in a relationship. (There’s physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, and even intellectual intimacy, just to name a few!)
“Inviting a potential partner to share how they conceptualize intimacy can give you insight into what their wants and needs are from a relationship, and can also offer you the opportunity to discuss what you want and need, too,” Harouni Lurie explains.
21. What are three things you can’t live without?
Lip balm, lip balm, and… lip balm. Though a bit silly, this question can tell you more about your partner’s habits and priorities. Whether they can’t live without their cell phone or favorite stuffed animal from childhood, it’s interesting to learn about your partner’s absolute must-haves.
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