Feeling More Horny Than Usual? Experts Explain the Reasons Behind Your High Sex Drive
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If you’ve been asking yourself “why am I so horny?” you should know that there is a large spectrum of what is considered “normal” in terms of sex life and sex drive. If your libido has experienced a recent surge, there may be no reason for concern.
“Everyone has their own unique sex drive and libido,” explains Sherry Ross, M.D., women’s sexual health expert and author of she-ology and the she-quel. “What a high libido is to one person may be ‘normal’ or low for another.” All you can know is what’s normal for you. Some people have zero interest in sex and are asexual—and that’s totally fine. Others want to have sex several times a week. That’s fine, too.
What’s more, no one’s sex drive is consistent throughout their entire life. You might be extra horny at certain times of the month or at certain points of your life (like right after starting a new relationship). At other times, your libido will dip. All of this is completely natural. “It’s normal for libido to ebb and flow,” Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, says. “So I think it’s important for people to not get too worried if there are periods when they’re horny and periods when they’re less horny.”
That said, there are still some answers as to why are you so horny right now? Why are you almost always more horny than your partner or friends? Ahead, experts break it all down.
Meet the experts: Sherry Ross, M.D., women’s sexual health expert and author of she-ology and the she-quel;Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute; Shamyra Howard, L.C.S.W; Karen Stewart, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist with a practice specializing in sex and couples therapy
Factors that may cause high libido
Lehmiller likes to think of libido as “bio-psycho-social,” meaning it has biological elements, psychological elements, and social elements. While it’d be almost impossible to list every trigger for higher sex drives, it will almost always come down to one or more of these causes:
1. Hormones
When it comes to the biological reasons that you might be more interested in sex mostly has to do with the level of sex hormones like estrogen and testosterone that are in your body at any given time.
People assigned female at birth (afab) might notice a higher sex drive at certain points during their menstrual cycles. Sex education site The O-School explains that for a lot of people, their sex drive is highest when they’re ovulating (roughly 14 days after their period starts). Although no one has a solid understanding of why, the theories all surround hormones, which we of course know impact our libidos (that’s partly why menopause typically comes with a reduction in sex drive). Interestingly, if you’re on hormonal birth control, which releases a steady level of synthetic hormones all month, you might not experience periodically increased horniness like someone who’s not.
People assigned male at birth (amab) might also have higher or lower sex drives depending on hormone levels. Typically, testosterone is highest for cisgender men and people assigned male at birth in early adulthood. Testosterone can drop by 1% every year after 40, according to Harvard Health. As testosterone gets lower, so might your sex drive. Some medical conditions and injuries may also impact testosterone production and therefore libido.
2. Menstruation
Some people also really enjoy having sex during their period, and might see a sex drive boost at that time. When you’re menstruating, you are generally a little more turned on than usual due to a spike in estrogen and testosterone, Jill Hechtman, M.D., ob/gyn and medical director of Tampa Obstetrics previously explained about having sex on your period.
3. Pregnancy
Similarly, life events like pregnancy and nursing can cause a fluctuation in hormones, making you more or less horny than usual, explains Dr. Ross. Additionally, pregnant women tend to experience an increase in blood flow to the vulva, which can heighten sensation and cause an increase in libido, per the Cleveland Clinic.
4. Exercise
Exercise is another reason you might be hornier than others, sexologist Shamyra Howard, L.C.S.W., says. “Exercise releases feel-good hormones that increase energy levels,” she says. A 2018 study found that physically fit people experience higher levels of sexual desire, arousal, and orgasms.
5. Changes in mood
Psychology is arguably more powerful to your sex drive than biology, according to Lehmiller. Consider someone saying they’re “not in the mood” for sex. Since sex is extremely intimate, your emotions and stress levels often need to be in the right place for you to want sex. “Some people respond to things like stress, anxiety, and depression by having a steep drop off in sexual desire, whereas for other people, those same factors can actually accelerate sexual desire,” Lehmiller says.
While extreme stress and depression are much more likely to shut down your sex drive than ramp it up, some people respond to psychological struggle by wanting more sex. Lehmiller says the ability for sex drive to go in both directions is one reason it’s important to understand yourself and the ways you respond to stress.
6. A new relationship
Finally, you might experience a heightened sex drive as a result of how things are going in your relationship at the moment. Most people who like sex have experienced the “honeymoon phase” of a new relationship, when you just can’t get enough of each other. It’s natural for you and your partner to have stretches of time when you’re both extra horny and stretches when you’re not as into sex.
“If things are really good, that can amp up your desire,” Lehmiller says. “But if you’re having a lot of conflict and trouble in the relationship, that can push down desire.”
7. Diet
“Foods that improve libido are also known as aphrodisiacs,” Dr. Ross explains. Some of these foods, Dr. Ross says, include strawberries, watermelon, avocado, pumpkin seeds, blueberries, blackberries, dark chocolate, figs, oysters, spicy peppers, red wine, garlic. These foods “contain high levels of nitrates, vitamin A, Zinc, flavonoids, allicin, and amino acids, that are meant to increase your libido,” explains Dr. Ross. “Eating a healthy and colorful diet allows you to have a healthy body and mind which increases your libido.”
8. Masturbation
“Putting your libido into ‘your own hands,’ so to speak, can increase your libido,” explains Dr. Ross. “Masturbation leading to orgasm improves mood, stress, sleep and strengthens relationships, resulting in wanting more sex. More orgasms lead to higher self-esteem, confidence and increased testosterone levels, all boosting sex-drive.”
9. Alcohol
Alcohol consumption can have a positive or negative effect on an individual’s sex life. “Drinking in moderation can give you ‘liquid courage,’ which leads to more confidence, lowers inhibition, and helps you get in the mood to be sexual,” Dr. Ross explains. “However, drinking excessively can have a negative effect, making it more challenging to have an orgasm and diminishing libido.” In fact, a 2016 study confirms that sexual dysfunction including erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation are common side effects for men who drink alcohol.
Overall, Dr. Ross notes that while alcohol can increase your sex drive, drinking alcohol to improve libido “is not a healthy approach to boosting sexual function.”
How to navigate a libido gap
If you’re a person who has a baseline high libido, you’ll likely also experience highs and lows, but just generally be in the mood more often than others. Once again, it’s important to know that doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. If you’re feeling bad about your high sex drive, those feelings likely come from others’ reactions.
“I think where problems arise is when people get into relationships where they have very mismatched sex drives,” Lehmiller says. “We see a lot of blaming and shaming where sometimes the higher desire partner thinks there’s something wrong with the lower desire partner because they don’t want sex, and the lower desire partner sometimes shames and blames the higher desire partner because they think they’re addicted to sex.”
If you and your partner have a big sex drive gap or are noticing a growing sex drive gap, Lehmiller says the first step is to try to look for a compromise. Yet, most of us aren’t great at talking out our sexual desires (many of us we were never taught how to!). Instead, we tend to keep our sexual desires and concerns bottled up. If you find yourself struggling to communicate, consider seeing a sex therapist. A therapist can help you break past the shame of struggling with sex and find ways for both of you to get more pleasure.
Karen Stewart, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist with a practice specializing in sex and couples therapy. agrees that the first step for couples with differing libidos is to talk about it. If one partner is experiencing a large decrease in libido, Stewart recommends asking questions about their health, work life, or family. This conversation, along with talking through any conflicts in the relationship, can help identify what’s causing the decrease in libido and possibly spark intimacy again. “Once discussed, compromise is the name of the game,” Stewart says. “Both parties have to respect their partner’s desire and lack thereof to come to an understanding as to how much, often, and when the couple can connect.”
Lehmiller often recommends scheduling sex so it happens at a frequency both partners are comfortable with and gives each person an opportunity to build up anticipation and excitement. “Often, part of the reason somebody doesn’t have the desire for sex is that they need to essentially have more foreplay to get aroused,” he says. You may want to think of foreplay as something that happens over a span of a few days and amps up from flirting with your partner to more physical touch.
Masturbation, either solo or together, could also be a solution, as can opening up your relationship. The most important thing to do is communicate. “Where we see things that don’t work out is when people pursue individual solutions and don’t talk about it at all,” Lehmiller says. When you struggle to communicate at all or communicate well, Howard recommends turning to a sex therapist who can help you manage sexual issues and create sexual experiences that work for your relationship.
You can find sexual happiness in a relationship with a sex drive gap, but you have to talk it through and take action.
Can you be too horny?
Sex addiction is a complicated topic, with many experts disagreeing on whether or not it’s real. But generally, if your sex drive isn’t getting in the way of your life (causing distress or getting you in trouble at work, for example), you’re not a sex addict. You’re just someone who likes sex a lot, and there’s no shame in that.
The “why?” here is a bit complicated, too. There’s not a lot of science that explains why some people have high libidos and some don’t. But Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., gives a great analogy in her book Come As You Are. She describes arousal as a system of gas and brake pedals. If something hits your gas, it turns you on and if something hits your brakes, it turns you off. Some people have very sensitive gas pedals, so they get aroused easily and want sex more often than others.
How sensitive our gas (arousal) pedals and our brake (turn-off) pedals are is highly variable. So much so that you’ll probably never find a couple who have perfectly aligned sex drives.
What about hypersexuality?
Sexualities and libidos vary from person to person, so it doesn’t necessarily mean someone has a problem if they sometimes enjoy sex twice a day or if they want to go weeks without it. Issues arise when sexual desires and behaviors become overwhelming and uncontrollable. Hypersexuality is more commonly known as Compulsive Sexual Disorder or sex addiction. Cleveland Clinic defines it as uncontrollable, excessive sexual thoughts and behaviors that interfere in your daily life, relationship, job, or more.
“Hypersexuality is an intense focus and/or preoccupation on sexual thoughts, fantasies, urges or behaviors that feel out of your control,” Stewart says. “Signs someone is experiencing hypersexuality is when these thoughts and focus affect your job, relationships, health, mental health, or other parts of your life.”
Some other signs of hypersexuality include:
Spending a large amount of time engaging in sexual behaviors.
Consuming an excessive amount of pornography.
Using sexual services frequently.
Compulsive masturbation.
Engaging in dangerous sexual activities.
Many of the items on the above list are normal. It is considered hypersexuality when these thoughts are consuming one’s life or there is an overwhelming temptation to indulge in these behaviors. This is similar to any addiction, such as alcohol, gambling, or drugs.
What to do to lower your libido
If you’re looking for ways to lower your libido, Lehmiller says the first question to ask yourself is: “Why?”
“Is high libido itself really a problem, or is the issue unresolved shame or the social comparison [you’re] making?” he says. Often, people have feelings of shame about sex. A partner or friend may have told you that you want “too much” sex, or you may think your libido is too high because you’re comparing yourself to someone with a low libido.
Howard suggests that instead of focusing on your libido, figure out what about your libido bothers you and focus on that. “Often, people who have increased sexual desire seek to lower their libido because they experience symptoms of anxiety, other mental stressors, and/or they engage in unsafe sexual practices,” she says.
If your high libido is causing you distress or making everyday life more difficult, it’s time to seek out a sex therapist who can help you understand if there’s really a problem with your libido, what might be causing it, and how to work through it.
How to cope with feeling horny all the time
Cleveland Clinic suggests many methods to help with hypersexuality, such as therapy, medication, support groups, and educating themselves on sex addiction. You can also make lifestyle changes, such as removing triggers from your life and focusing on healthy activities. “I recommend to my patients to attempt to interrupt their urges, reconnect with positive hobbies, and distractions to have a more complete life. If the person is in a relationship, I would suggest focusing on their relationship and finding ways to find fulfillment outside of their libido.”
When to seek help
For people who cannot control their sexual desire or feel they need additional support, Stewart advises seeking professional help through therapy or a program for sexual addiction. “If someone’s high sex drive is affecting their lives in a negative way, it would be suggested to talk to a professional to discover the possible source of the libido and how to curb their cravings,” Stewart says.
If you’re not sure that’s the right step for you, some signs that you should seek help include: spending money you don’t have on sexual activities like porn or sex workers, if sex is the main reason you have arguments and conflict in your relationship, and any other negative consequences (like getting fired from your job for a sex-related reason, or losing friends because of your attitude toward sex).
Howard encourages anyone experiencing unwanted or negative consequences due to their libido, or who finds it hard to control sexual urges, to see a sex therapist to “create a plan for what a healthy sexuality looks like for them.”
Your libido and your relationship to your libido are unique, but if you have questions or concerns, a sex therapist can help.
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