What’s it like to be nonbinary? 4 people share the ‘joys’ and ‘frustrations’ of using ‘they/them’ pronouns.

A growing number of LGBTQ people are embracing a new range of identities and labels. Perhaps one of the most misunderstood is “nonbinary,” referring to those who identify as genderless and who often prefer using nontraditional pronouns, such as "they/them." It's an identity particularly prevalent among younger folks, according to a 2021 Williams Institute report showing that nearly 900,000 nonbinary Americans are under 30 years old.

Like Noemi Uribe, a 28-year-old advisory services analyst who began using "they/them" pronouns years ago. She has since expanded to include "she/her" and "elle/ella" (Spanish for "they/her"), though, after routinely being misgendered by others — an experience famously shared by nonbinary singer Demi Lovato, who re-adopted traditional pronouns after using "they/them."

"You gotta choose your battles, and as a nonbinary person, unfortunately, it can be a daily battle," Uribe tells Yahoo Life.

Also identifying as nonbinary is Amanda “Mandy” Ralston, 45, founder of the consultant firm NonBinary Solutions, who says the “male” and “female” genders felt too limiting when growing up in West Virginia.

“For a long time, I joked that I shopped on both sides of the Gap. It was my way of acknowledging I had androgynous characteristics,” Ralston tells Yahoo Life. “What people are calling 'nonbinary' and 'gender fluid,' I've been living all those things, but I never had the terminology for it.”

Now, still, despite the visibility paved by nonbinary stars like Lovato, Sam Smith and others, trans/nonbinary folks have been at the center of a culture war waged by conservatives lawmakers seeking to limit access to gender-affirming care for trans/nonbinary youth, which weighs heavily for some.

That includes Jos O’shea, a 31-year-old software developer in Kentucky, where anti-trans legislations are routinely proposed. As a young boy, O'shea was drawn to gender diverse people on Tumblr. It wasn't until 2018 that they understood they never felt truly like a boy at all.

“When I realized I was nonbinary, the understanding of … a lifetime of failing to live up to expectations of my assigned gender, it all made sense,” O’shea tells Yahoo Life. “It was like, oh, no wonder I never felt like I fit as my assigned gender at birth.”

Similarly, 32-year-old Janani Vaidya, a nonbinary behavioral scientist who grew up in the Middle East and went to college in India, says they didn’t “have a lot of role models” to look up to. But learning about the nuances of gender in their early 20s created a path to self-discovery.

“I always knew I didn’t fit the traditional conceptions of being feminine,” Vaidya, who lives in Illinois, tells Yahoo Life. “I knew I wasn’t on the other side of the spectrum either, so nonbinary fit me once I started learning about it.”

Here are some other insights shared with Yahoo Life:

‘Coming out to strangers' is a daily reality

While Uribe says that "coming out to strangers" is a daily challenge, it's even more complicated when people show blatant disregard.

“The first time I tried to get a haircut that was gender-affirming, the person didn't feel comfortable cutting my hair into a typical men's haircut and [cut] a women’s-style short haircut. I was very uncomfortable with it,” recalls Uribe. Next time, they say, "I chose a trans [stylist] because I knew they would understand.”

“It's a chore,” says O’shea about outing yourself, which can potentially make you a target for violence; it's why being asked your pronouns can sometimes cause panic . “For people early on in their journey as a nonbinary person, it can be difficult to answer if you’re not really sure yet. That’s something I struggled with."

“I’m still very bad at coming out,” adds Vaidya, who admits they “rely heavily on other people” to help them, especially their queer colleagues.

'I know who I am now'

O’shea says they left a job last year after being consistently misgendered, a frequent occurrence for trans/nonbinary people that happens when someone addresses them using the wrong pronouns or gendered language ("sir," "miss"). They've since left for a more inclusive environment.

On the dating front, O'shea, who is primarily attracted to women, says wearing feminine clothing like dresses is "off-putting to a lot of women." At the same time, it's allowed for deeper connections. “I've been able to have more fulfilling relationships because I know who I am now," they say. "I'm grateful to have had partners that didn't seem fazed by it."

Vaidya admits that “existing in a weird space” as a nonbinary immigrant affects both their dating and work lives.

Even the simplest of acts, like going to the restroom, can be daunting.

“My job has a gender-neutral bathroom on the floor below me, which is a little inconvenient sometimes. But it's nice that they're there,” explains Uribe. “Because I am a female assigned at birth and I was socialized as a woman, if I use a restroom that's where I'll go. But it's awkward. I walk in and I get stares from mainly older people because I dress androgynous.”

'I'm not trans. I'm not transitioning.'

“People still think of 'nonbinary' as a replacement for the term ‘androgynous,’” which typically refers to style alone, Vaidya explains. “There's also this idea that [nonbinary people] are anti-feminist somehow, and that’s not true.”

Furthermore, Vaidya says most people fail to know the difference between "socially transitioning" (adopting gender-affirming clothing, hairstyles, pronouns and names) and “physically transitioning,” which involves medical interventions like gender-affirming care, reconstructive surgeries or procedures like Botox or fillers, to align their physical bodies with their gender identity.

"I am not trans. I'm not transitioning. That's not how I identify," Uribe stresses. "I don't want someone to say I'm a man because it feels icky and weird, that's not me. If they say I'm a woman, I also feel icky and weird, because that's also not me."

'It doesn't matter if you get it'

At the end of the day, argues O'shea, it comes down to basic respect. "It doesn't matter if you get it or if you don't to get it. You just need to be respectful of another human being," they say, adding to please think twice before asking invasive questions, such as the "obvious" one of "what's in your pants?"

Finally, to fellow nonbinary folks, Vaidya urges to never let the opinions of others dictate their journey, so that one's self-discovery is centered on "a place of joy — and not just a place of trauma."

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