What's Your Friendship Attachment Style? A Guide to What It Means and How It Impacts Your Relationships
From astrological signs to Myers-Briggs personality types to love languages, we love categorizing ourselves. Self-categorization can give us a better understanding of our personalities and how we relate to others, and it can also be fun. Attachment theory, a psychological theory that focuses on interpersonal relationships and bonding styles, was developed by the British psychologist John Bowlby, and while it’s been around for decades, it’s recently become popular on social media, where people struggling with relationships have found comfort in being able to classify themselves and their partners within the three primary categories of attachment — anxious, avoidant, or secure.
While Bowlby initially developed his theory around children, it’s evolved over the years and has increasingly been applied to adult romantic relationships, as popularized by the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find — And Keep — Love (Buy from Amazon, $17.48) by psychologists Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. Now, a new book, You Will Find Your People: How To Make Meaningful Friendships as an Adult (Buy from Amazon, $17.48), applies attachment theory to friendship — and offers meaningful advice about better understanding how you form friendships and make them last. We spoke to author Lane Moore about how attachment theory plays into friendship.
What are the primary attachment styles?
There are three primary attachment styles: Secure, anxious, and avoidant. Here’s how they’re defined, according to Moore.
Secure Attachment: You feel comfortable getting close to people and don’t have a lot of stress about it.
Anxious Attachment: You feel a lot of anxiety around getting close to people.
Avoidant attachment: You feel hesitant about getting close to people and tend to push people away.
How do attachment styles apply to friendship?
While these attachment styles have typically been used to understand caregiver-child relationships and romantic relationships between adults, they can just as easily help you understand your friendships, Moore argues. “Culturally, we don’t really value friendships as much as romantic relationships,” she says. But as she sees it, “Our attachment styles really impact how we relate to anyone. Friendships are also relationships.”
Attachment styles also can vary from a romantic relationship to a friendship. For example, you can be in a long-term, loving marriage and feel a secure attachment, but in your friendships, you might still be anxious or avoidant. Moore says that people with secure attachment styles tend to “give and receive love very openly,” which can be easier to do in romance than in friendship. While friendship is a vital part of life, it can often be overlooked as we age. “So many people still feel pressure to be friends with the people they met in high school and college, even if those friendships are no longer serving them and don’t feel good anymore,” says Moore. The older we get, the more daunting the prospect of making new friends may become. Knowing your friendship attachment style can help you understand the friendships you already have and think about how to best form new bonds.
If You’re Secure
A secure attachment style means you feel comfortable having deep friendships. You’re likely able to able to share your feelings easily. On paper, secure attachment sounds like the attachment style with the fewest flaws, but it’s not quite so cut and dry. As therapist Jor-El Caraballo, LMHC, explained in a Women’s Health interview, “Even securely attached people can feel nervous or anxious about relationships,” they just find it easier to work through these difficult emotions. If you have a secure attachment style, you’ll want to be mindful of listening to what your friends are going through and be patient with them. If you’re a secure person who is friends with an anxious one, it’s important to show them empathy — you may have an easy time overcoming negative feelings but the same doesn’t necessarily apply to your friends.
If You’re Anxious
Have you tried getting in touch with a friend, only to not hear from them and end up wondering if they actually like you? Then you probably have an anxious attachment style. A hallmark of anxious attachment is “needing more reassurance that your friends aren’t mad at you,” says Moore. This may cause you stress, and even make you feel like you’re burdening your friends by checking in with them. However, there are ways in which this attachment style can benefit your friendships. People with anxious attachments tend to be “proactive and mindful of people’s feelings,” Moore points out. “They want to give you what you need and make you happy, and not do the wrong thing. That foresight can be powerful.” Attached authors Levine and Heller also say that anxious people “have the capacity for great intimacy.” This can be a beautiful thing, but you may run into trouble when you expect more closeness than a friend is giving you. It can help to try mindfulness exercises — writing meditation and loving-kindness meditation can ease your racing thoughts. Remember to slow down and see the big picture. There are hundreds of likely reasons that have a friend doesn’t call or text you right back—from work stress to family demands.
If You’re Avoidant
If you have an avoidant attachment style, you may well be that friend who’s not returning calls. People with this attachment style tend to withdraw in times of difficulty and may come off as aloof. While being avoidant can cause frustrations in friendship, people with this type of attachment style also find it “important to maintain [their] independence and self-sufficiency,” say Levine and Heller, which can be an admirable quality. Because of this, “A lot of people who have an anxious attachment style tend to be drawn to people with an avoidant attachment, like a moth to a flame,” says Moore. These differing personality types may make maintaining a friendship more challenging, but that doesn’t mean the connection between anxious and avoidant types can never work. As she explains, “It’s not a personal failing to be anxious or avoidant. We’re drawn to people who are mimicking what our caregivers gave us,” and just because there are psychological complexities in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean it’s doomed. Plus, therapy, mindfulness, and self-knowledge can work wonders in understanding your attachment style and working with its limitations.
Attachment Analysis
Understanding whether you’re secure, anxious, or avoidant may help you know your strengths and weaknesses as a friend. It can also give perspective on why a friendship isn’t working. “Sometimes differing attachment styles can be the reason why a friendship that’s ‘good on paper’ ultimately doesn’t work out the way you want it to,” says Moore. Friendship attachment styles can be useful tools, but Moore cautions against taking a reductive approach. “No one is just their attachment style,” she emphasizes. However, if you want to assess your friendships, knowing your attachment style is a good starting point. No matter your attachment style, Moore has reassuring words: “You’re not bad at friendship; you’re not messing up. It’s not that simple.”
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