What's the Difference Between Authoritarian and Authoritative Parenting—Plus, Which One Is Best?
Before becoming a parent, questions about your style typically referred to aesthetics. Are you coastal grandma chic, preppy, vintage or boho? In the home world, do you lean toward mid-century modern or farmhouse? You get the point.
But once you become a parent, "style" is less aesthetic, even if it's on full display at the playground or as your child melts down at the store. And the question "What's your style?" can feel far more loaded. It can also be exhausting—do we have to label everything these days? But three parenting styles have actually been around since the 1960s, and two of them—authoritative vs. authoritarian—sound similar but are very different, in reality.
"Diana Baumrind is a developmental psychologist that identified three in particular: authoritarian, authoritative and permissive parenting styles," explains Dr. Zishan Khan, MD, a board-certified child, adolescent and adult psychiatrist with Mindpath.
Researchers later added a fourth: neglectful.
But let's hone in on authoritarian and authoritative. The words look and sound the same. It almost looks repetitive having both in there. What gives?
"While authoritarian and authoritative parenting styles both share a similar name, and both imply an emphasis on authority, they are quite different from one another in their approaches," Dr. Khan says.
Khan and another expert explained the differences and why no parenting style is all or nothing.
Related: The 12 Surprising, Tell-Tale Signs of Helicopter Parenting—Plus, How To Recognize It in Yourself
What Is Authoritarian Parenting?
Dr. Khan says the hallmarks of authoritarian parenting are strict, demanding and low responsiveness.
"These parents tend to be cold and are not nurturing," Dr. Khan says. "The feedback these types of parents provide is often quite negative and mistakes result in harsh punishments."
There's often little room for discussion or compromise in these parent-child relationships.
"Parents are viewed as the ultimate authority that children must obey," says Kimberly Berens, Ph.D., the founder of Fit Learning and author of Blind Spots: Why Students Fail and the Science that Can Save Them.
For example, a teenager wants to go to a party. She asks her authoritarian parents for permission. Dr. Berens says she might be told "no," and there'd be no further discussion.
"If that teenager proceeded to attend the party anyway and were caught by the parent, a severe punishment would be administered, such as having privileges removed," says Dr. Berens.
Related: Free-Range Parenting: What It Is & Why It's Controversial
What Is Authoritative Parenting?
Authoritative parenting also involves rules and structure. But Dr. Berens notes authoritative parents provide their children with warm, nurturing and supportive environments.
"Authoritative parents tend to be less rigid and more flexible in compromising with their children," says Dr. Berens.
Dr. Khan agrees—authoritative parents give children a voice and are willing to lend an ear.
"These parents will discuss with their children instead of taking the 'it’s my way or the highway' approach," says Dr. Khan. "Compared to authoritarian parents, they tend to be more significantly involved with the child’s life and do a much better job providing structure, guidance and sharing their expectations."
Say you want a child to clean their room by 8 p.m.
"An authoritarian parent would tell their child to have their room cleaned by 8 p.m.," says Dr. Khan. "In contrast, an authoritative parent would indicate that the room needs to be cleaned by 8 p.m. because that is when they have to begin getting ready for bed."
Dr. Khan says the authoritative parent might also specify that the toys should be picked up off the floor and placed in the toy box, and the clean laundry should be put away.
"Both [parents] demand to have the room cleaned, but the authoritative parent offers guidance and suggestions to try and prevent the child from feeling overwhelmed," Dr. Khan says.
Related: What Is Snowplow Parenting?
What Are Other Parenting Styles?
In addition to authoritarian and authoritative parenting, researchers generally focus on permissive and neglectful parenting. But there are also subgroups that you may be more familiar with, like "gentle" or "helicopter."
Permissive. Dr. Khan says the third parenting style identified by Dr. Baumrind, permissive, is generally associated with few rules and little structure. "Parents tend to view themselves more as their child’s friend rather than a parent," Dr. Khan says. “Permissive parents do tend to be quite loving and supportive but don’t provide the important lessons and structure that a child needs throughout their development."
Neglectful. This style is exactly what it sounds like—parents are unresponsive, uninvolved and disinterested in their children.
Gentle. A "subgroup" of parenting styles, gentle parenting has become more popular in recent years, though it's not new. "Gentle parenting focuses on fostering desirable qualities in children by being compassionate and ensuring consistent boundaries," Dr. Khan says. "In many ways, gentle parenting is very similar to authoritative parenting, emphasizing empathy, understanding, respect and limit setting."
Attachment. Coined by pediatrician William Sears, attachment parenting also focuses on empathy and responsiveness. But it focuses more on physical closeness than gentle parenting, such as skin-to-skin immediately after birth and sleeping close to a little one, explains Dr. Khan.
Free-range. "Free-range parenting stresses teaching children essential life skills but allows them to explore and develop these skills based on their developmental level," Dr. Khan says. Parents might let a seven-year-old walk to their friend's house two blocks away by themselves. But they still emphasize safety, such as looking both ways when crossing the street and wearing a helmet when biking.
Helicopter. This parenting style involves hovering like a helicopter. "These parents go overboard in paying attention to their child’s experiences and overseeing every part of their child’s life," says Dr. Khan, adding that these parents are also described as "overprotective."
Related: How to Apologize to Your Kid and Why That's Important
Authoritarian vs. Authoritative Parenting: Which Is Best?
Should you be an authoritarian parent? Authoritative parent? Something else? The stakes feel so high when raising the next generation. But experts recommend not pressuring yourself to be one thing or another.
"It is not appropriate to indicate that one type is better than another, although I will admit that there are more negatives than positives associated with authoritarian parenting," Dr. Khan says.
Dr. Berens has a similar take.
"Although both styles of parenting involve establishing rules and limits, authoritarian parenting emphasizes punitive consequences and lacks the supportive, nurturing and loving characteristics of authoritative parenting," says Dr. Khan.
What would a child psychiatrist do?
"Parents should focus on something other than perfecting one parenting style and instead try to approach their child individually and decide what they feel would work best depending on their intrinsic traits and demeanor and the situation," says Dr. Khan. "I focus on being as supportive, empathetic and reassuring as possible toward my son while attempting to foster independence and self-confidence."
Sources
Dr. Zishan Khan, MD, a board-certified child, adolescent and adult psychiatrist with Mindpath
Kimberly Berens, Ph.D., the founder of Fit Learning and author of Blind Spots: Why Students Fail and the Science that Can Save Them
