Weighing the Pros and Cons of Inviting Children to Your Wedding
Children add whimsy and wonder to weddings. They can also be unpredictable and, at times, uncontrollable. Deciding whether to invite them is tough—do you have an adults-only wedding, and risk offending your parent friends? Or do you allow your love of family to transcend other considerations? We can’t make the decision for you, but we can list all of the pros and cons of inviting children to your wedding. By the end, we bet you’ll know just how and to whom to address those gorgeous invitations.
Photography: KT Merry
Pro: Children lighten the day
If you are feeling stressed on your wedding day, children can lighten the atmosphere. No one will be as free with her compliments as your littlest guests; no one will warm your wedding day preparations quite like your flower girl. She’ll want to use your powder brush and she’ll stare, wide-eyed, as your mom pins your veil into your hair. Children can help you remember that once, you were that little, just imagining this day. Anxiety will dissipate as you see the wonder of your wedding day reflected through their eyes.
Photography: Sposto Photography
Con: Weddings are, by nature, less-than kid-friendly
Weddings are formal, meticulously planned events. Children—especially when placed in such an adult environment—can be unrestrained. Crystal, fondant, and silk just aren’t found at many children’s birthday parties, with good reason. If you can’t tolerate much uncertainty or the thought of an uncontrollable guest, then be honest about what you can handle, and plan your guest list accordingly.
Photography: Kelsea Holder Photography
Pro: Think of all the darling photo ops!
We meaaannnnn....
Photography: Jen Huang
Con: Bedtime was, like, three hours ago
Weddings naturally run past a proper bedtime, making it difficult for children and their parents to attend a full reception. “I would say for most weddings it is best to limit the invitation of young children due to the timing of weddings being rather long at 5-6+ hours [and] late night end times,” suggests Keri Ketterer Walter of Always Yours Events. If you want your parent friends to enjoy your wedding in its entirety, understand that it will be difficult for them to do so with their children present.
Photography: Jessica Schifilliti, Photographer
Pro: You (maybe) won’t offend your friends
Of course, if you don’t invite children to your wedding, someone is bound to get their feelings hurt. There will be some who find the decision a little bit haughty. Extending the invitation to your friends’ children can calm the waters and is, at least ostensibly, the least divisive thing to do. However—there will likewise be other guests who are annoyed by your decision to include children. This is the most liberating truth you will discover during wedding planning: you cannot please everyone. You can be kind and tactful and considerate, but you are not responsible for your guests’ reactions (and letting go of that undue responsibility feels like freedom.). So, make the decision that’s right for you, because in the end, those who want to be offended will find a way to be, no matter what.
Photography: Rebecca Yale
Con: Venues pose challenges
Maybe you’re dreaming of a vineyard wedding, all fine wine and farm-to-table fare, and long hours spent ambling through fields and lingering long at the table. Maybe, instead, you’ve always loved the ocean, and can’t imagine your wedding without it-- the nearness of the water, the cocktail hour on the dunes, the freedom to walk the beach. If your tastes run more opulent, you could be imagining an old chateau or private estate, a grand and historied setting. But can you imagine children in these contexts? Keri of Always Yours Events concedes that “some locations [create] a challenge,” for example, “waterfront locations where children could venture to the water.” Other locations are just so formal and imposing, it may feel more respectful to the owners and to the property to have an adults-only celebration. Use your discretion, and consider whether your venue really is a good fit for children.
Photography: Rebecca Yale
Pro: Children add spontaneity to the wedding day
Children may not heed the planner’s timeline or perfectly comply with the photographer’s requests. But they may, in their free-spiritedness, add joy and spontaneity to the wedding day. It is the unpredictable nature of children—ironically, the very trait that causes some people anxiety—that makes them so capable of experiencing and giving joy. A group of children may run barefoot through a garden, looking like Midsummer fairies with their flower crowns. They may take to the dance floor (just to see how much their skirts can twirl) or find a little patch of grass and play ring-around-the-rosy. Their presence can remind you of unbridled hope and time unbound. You just won’t get this level of uninhibited joy from any other wedding guest.
Photography: Kendra Elise Photography
Con: Bride and Groom, Interrupted
We’ve all struggled to listen to a bride and groom say their vows over a fussy baby’s cries. We don’t know how it happens, but the moment the preacher makes his opening remarks—cue the wailing. Children and formal ceremonies aren’t the most natural mix, so interruptions like this just kind of go with the territory. If you’re good at letting go, then a little mid-wedding meltdown will be no problem—it may even lighten the ceremony and make you laugh a little. But if you are after total peace and quiet, it just can’t be promised—or expected—from our dear bébés.
Photography: Kelly Kollar Photography
Pro: Sweet Memories
Later on, when you go to reminisce about your wedding, we guarantee it: you’ll be sharing funny and sweet stories about the children. We’ve all heard those stories—of the ring bearer who tried to kiss the flower girl, or the little girl who cried before walking down the aisle. Children are memorable because they aren’t as guarded as adults are, and they will inevitably leave you with charming stories that you tell for years to come.
Photography: Michael & Carina
Con: Children can be clumsy
Toppled champagne towers, missing rings, confetti poured exactly where the venue said ‘no confetti’… yes, kids (and even some adults) are capable of all this and more. If their potential for wreckage makes you anxious, take this into account.
Photography: Hannah Duffy Photography
Pro: The wonder of it all
Children, more than anyone, are capable of experiencing wonder and the fairytale aspects of weddings. Most of us can recall our first wedding memories—the enchantment of the bride walking down the aisle; the ten-tiered wedding cake (or so it seemed) with its frosted flowers; the little packet of rice that we got to shower onto the bride and groom. Even if those memories change with time, they truly can remain with children, and even influence their beliefs about love. Young imaginations will find no shortage of inspiration in weddings and their magic. Soon enough, we all grow up and realize that life isn’t as ideal as we thought it would be. So why not keep children young and hopeful and believing in magic for as long as possible? Life is, after all, occasionally as beautiful as we had hoped it would be—and sometimes a wedding can offer a lasting reminder.
Photography: Jessica Schifilliti, Photographer
Con: Kids don’t do destinations
Your very choice of a destination wedding may dictate whether children—and their parents—can attend. Keri of Always Yours Events explains: “In my experience, I have observed that if a couple is hosting a destination wedding where most guests are traveling to the celebration a relatively far distance (whether it's within the US or abroad) it can be challenging for those with young children to attend with the need to have overnight childcare, or even childcare for an entire weekend. In this instance, I think it is important to recognize that you may have guests who cannot attend an ‘adults only’ celebration if their children are not invited because they cannot find care for their children while they attend the wedding. If you recognize this and are at peace with the idea that ‘adults only’ may reduce attendance, then I say feel free to proceed with an ‘adults only’ celebration. If it would be a disappointment for you to not have those guests there, consider inviting children but having a nanny service or recommending a nanny service for those guests with children. I think it can be very tactful and helpful to include nannying service information on your wedding website for those guests with children.”
Pro: All the love
Have you ever been hugged like this by your adoring flower girls? We rest our case.
Photography: Kim Stockwell Photography
Con: Your parent friends will (understandably) be divided
If you invite children to your wedding, your friends and bridesmaids will understandably be tuned into their children’s needs throughout the day. You may have to wait for Goldfish to be administered before you can get that bride and maid-of-honor photo. Your friends will undoubtedly have to fix dress sashes, rummage up snacks, and dry a few tears. Your guests will (hopefully) be in parenting mode throughout your wedding and reception, and you must be fine with sharing their attention.
Photography: Corbin Gurkin
Pro: Nanny to the rescue!
Not to get all Nanny Diaries on everyone, but hiring a qualified nanny service may do a lot to appease all invited guests. Keri of Always Yours Events has this very expert advice for planning weddings with children: “In the past when my couples have had weddings where children in larger numbers have been invited, I have found it works best to have a licensed and high- rated nanny service on site to assist with keeping the children entertained during the formalities of the evening (toasts, dances, photos, etc.). I usually recommend serving children's meals during the first course at the table with their parents, and then having the nannies bring the children after first course to an activity table or activity room within close proximity where they can color, play games, blow bubbles, etc. This allows parents to enjoy the dinner and some dancing knowing their little ones are fed and enjoying themselves with a licensed nanny service close by.”
Photography: Katie Grant Photography
Con: Children Require Extra Planning
When children are attending your reception, you will need to plan for an extra table, a quiet activity, and pb&J. (Which—bonus!—will make for an excellent midnight snack for the adults). Children will, like any other guest, add to the total cost and planning process. All things considered, it’s not a ton of extra planning, but you will want to be a mindful host and consider the comfort of all of your guests—including the littlest ones.
Photography: Alisa Ferris
Pro: The kid’s table can be trés chic
That being said, the children’s table doesn’t have to be an afterthought. There are so many ways to integrate the table into the design plan and make the area fun, whimsical, and photographable. Plan a low-key art project, or have wedding-themed paper doll books (with a nanny present to oversee everything, of course). Serve tiny personal cakes, or something equally lovely to photograph. Have sweet little stools or fur poufs for the kids to sit on. Make the table look like something straight out of a storybook; if the space is inviting and interactive, children will be more likely to become absorbed and linger there.
Photo Courtesy of Nadia & Co.
Pro/Con: Children can be simultaneously annoying and adorable
When we remember Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding, so many beautiful details come to mind-- the iconic Alexander McQueen gown, the Cartier Halo tiara, the avenue of maple trees that lined the aisle of Westminster Abbey. But another, shall we say, more down-to-earth moment has stood the test of time. You know the one: it’s the moment when, as Kate and William shared their first public kiss, their littlest bridesmaid scowled and clapped her hands over her ears (those RAF flyovers, man). That moment more or less encapsulates what it means to have children at your wedding. Here Kate and William are, sharing a long-awaited – an historic—kiss. And as they’re in the midst of this transcendent moment, just out of view, a three-year-old is throwing a tantrum. The moment goes viral. It’s hilarious and memorable and, yes, it’s a little annoying. You’ll have to decide whether you fall more into the ‘adorable’ or ‘annoying’ camp.
Con: A Wedding with children can feel more like a birthday party
Having children at your wedding may make it feel less like your event, and more like a children’s birthday party. You may feel fatigued over the need to constantly monitor your wedding guests. You may, naturally, feel uneasy about having children present at a reception where guests are enjoying champagne. As we’ve said time and again, children and weddings don’t naturally mix— it’s an effort to make the two work together. In the end, you may not want your wedding reception to include a nannying service, and that’s totally fine.
Photography: Weddings by Nicola and Glen
Pro: Family is Important
Weddings are, essentially, all about family—about honoring the people who raised us and loved us, and stepping into and creating a new family. Inviting children is one way of stating that family is important to you. More important than minor disruptions, little details, and even, at times, your own private experience. In the end, the joy of including others can outweigh a ‘perfect’ day that goes according to plan. A wedding could go flawlessly, according to schedule, without interruption… and yet leave you cold. Maybe weddings need the life and the liveliness that children provide. We all long for family, communion, belonging, and love, and children can provide us with all of these heart-warming, life-giving gifts.
Photography: Perry Vaile Photography
