This Week in Washington: Defending a Wife-Beater, Calling Dreamers Lazy Asses, and More!
“Peoples [sic] lives are being shattered and destroyed by a mere allegation. Some are true and some are false. Some are old and some are new . . .” The president singsonged yesterday, having been forced to bid a reluctant bye-bye to his hunky White House staff secretary, Rob Porter. “There is no recovery for someone falsely accused—life and career are gone. Is there no such thing any longer as Due Process?” Why yes there is, Mr. President! There are also orders of protection, like the one that Porter’s second wife obtained when he allegedly punched through a glass door to get at her. And there are photos, like the picture of his first wife with the injuries she suffered—including a black eye—from his smooth white hands. (In a development straight out of this never-ending movie we are trapped in, the person who drafted the initial White House defense of Porter may have been none other than White House Communications Director Hope Hicks, his current girlfriend, who bears more than a passing resemblance to the ex-wives in question.) Beltway gossip alleges that behind the scenes, Trump is furious at Porter, referring to him as “bad garbage.” (As opposed to good garbage?) And speaking of stinky trash—another Trump hire, the speechwriter David Sorensen, hurriedly resigned on Friday, after a report that his former wife told the FBI that during their marriage he ran over her foot with a car, and put out a lit cigarette on her hand.
Phew, what a week! When he wasn’t killing time defending spouse-abusers—at least publicly—the President had other matters to occupy him: tweeting nutty conspiracy theories he picked up from Fox News; calling Adam Schiff, the top Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee, Little Adam Schiff (not to be confused with Little Marco Rubio). You might think since he has nonstop bragged about how the stock market rise was all due to his brilliant leadership—likely at least 200 boasts since election day—Trump would at least acknowledge the recent reversal of fortune. And he did, sort of, in a Tweet on Wednesday that was a whole new visit to Crazytown: “In the ‘old days,’ when good news was reported, the Stock Market would go up. Today, when good news is reported, the Stock Market goes down. Big mistake, and we have so much good (great) news about the economy!” (Surely there is a way to blame this on Crooked Hillary?)
What is it with John Kelly? In addition to rushing to the defense of a wife-beater—on Tuesday he offered a statement that read, “Rob Porter is a man of true integrity and honor, and I can’t say enough good things about him. He is a friend, a confidant, and a trusted professional. I am proud to serve alongside him.”—he also said that some immigrants eligible for the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program failed to apply because they were “too lazy to get off their asses.” Rumors of Kelly’s impending departure may be premature, but there was one significant resignation this week: Rachel Brand, the No. 3 official at the Justice Department (and the person who would potentially be stuck with axing Special Investigator Mueller if assistant Attorney General Rosenstein gets fired) has flown the coop. (She reportedly has taken a job at Walmart, but it’s not behind the cash register for $10 an hour.)
Sometimes, Mr. President, you just have to get off your own commodious ass, move away from the keyboard, and get out of the house! Fun things await—like going to the National Prayer Breakfast, where your special guests include a huge delegation of Russians—about 60 of them! And how about instructing the Pentagon to mount a grand military parade, like the one you loved in Paris last summer? That pageant was meant to celebrate the end of tyranny and the birth of the Republic in France—yours will celebrate . . . you! And let’s take a field trip to Cincinnati, where you can go off-script and accuse the Democrats of treason, since they didn’t leap to their feet at your every ponderous utterance during the State of the Union address. (At least none of them screamed out “You lie,” like Rep. Joe Wilson did during a joint session speech of Obama’s in 2009.) And speaking of those dastardly Dems, why are we not surprised that you are refusing to release their rejoinder to the Nunes memo, after you ran like a chubby 71-year-old bunny rabbit to put the Republican one out?
But let’s end with a thought for the day from our shaggy unemployed friend Steve Bannon. According to Vanity Fair, he joined journalist Joshua Green, author of Devil’s Bargain, to view the Golden Globes. “You watch,” Bannon is quoted as saying. “The time has come. Women are gonna take charge of society. And they couldn’t juxtapose a better villain than Trump. He is the patriarch. This is a definitional moment in the culture. It’ll never be the same going forward . . . The anti-patriarchy movement is going to undo 10,000 years of recorded history.”
And not a minute too soon, Stevie-boy.
