I Wanted My Boyfriend to Meet My Family. He Doesn’t Want to Be Around Straight Men.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have been with my partner for five years (we’re gay men, 27 and 36), and I have been trying to get him to become more involved in the parts of my life that exist outside of our (strong, queer) community. We live in a major city; many of my friends and family live elsewhere. Now my brother-in-law is coming for a visit and invited us out to dinner with him and a friend of his. My BIL has expressed his excitement about the trip (arranged by my sister) as a chance for us to get to know each other better, and in particular for him to get to know my partner.

As I was expecting, my partner is pushing back: He is uncomfortable around straight men. He grew up overseas and has a lot of trauma in this regard. But the thing is, my BIL is a strong ally, with many gay and queer friends, and a very supportive uncle to a trans tween. I’m having trouble dealing with the fact that my partner can’t or won’t try to work past his trauma, no matter the context, and it is having a negative effect on me, on our relationship, and on my relationships with my family and non-queer friends. This upcoming visit from my sister’s husband is only one example (and truthfully my partner’s social anxiety plays a significant role in relationships even within our own queer community). How can I approach this in the hopes of starting to build my partner more fully into my WHOLE world, not just in our gay enclave?

—Caught Between Worlds

Dear Caught,

I think you may be missing the forest for the trees. That is: Your partner’s trauma is his to work through, if he can, for his own sake. Framing this as a problem for him to fix so that you can “build” him more fully into your world is worrisome to me. And if you have framed it that way in conversations with him over the five years you’ve been together, I would not be surprised if it got his back up. (You’re asking him to push past his lived experience and just try to hang out with straight men, as long as you vouch for them?)

His anxiety about being around straight people (and his social anxiety in general) is not a choice he’s making. I think you know that, and I’d also like to give you the benefit of the doubt and conclude that what seems like a lack of empathy on your part is just your frustration with the current situation seeping into your letter. I’ll assume that what you meant to say was, how can I help my partner, whom I love dearly, have a fuller and happier life? (Because, after all, if he is happier, your relationship will be happier—and then you will be, too.)

If your partner is not interested in therapy of any kind, or if he’s had unsuccessful experiences with it and is reluctant to try again—or if he is in therapy and it isn’t helping in the way you hoped it would—the truth is there isn’t anything you can do. You really have two choices, in that case: Accept him as he is, because you love him and want him in your life, you don’t want to force him into situations that make him anxious, and you realize that it’s possible for you to have relationships—and hang out with—people without him. Your other choice is to end your relationship with him, because it isn’t giving you what you need.

In the interests of full disclosure (though it’s by no means a perfect match of circumstances), I have been married for going on four decades to someone who suffers from severe social anxiety and who gets no pleasure from (for example) going out to dinner with friends. So I go out to dinner with friends. I go to parties without him (and I have fun!). I visit my family without him. I have whole relationships with people I feel close to that he’s not a part of. He isn’t rude to them when they come over (I do invite people over—I just warn him beforehand, so that if he wants to, he can stay out of the way), and there are even a few people in “my world” of whom he’s become fond over the years—in his own time and manner. But there are also people I’ve known for years who’ve never met him. To my way of thinking, the fact that we’re married doesn’t mean we have to do everything together (what we do together are things we both want to do … and anything that involves our daughter).

Now, I know perfectly well that this arrangement wouldn’t work for everyone, that it works for us because of our temperaments. So I’ll be blunt: If you want a partner who fully participates in every aspect of your life, you are probably with the wrong partner. And so is he.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I am a high schooler and am at odds with my parents about my sleeping schedule. When I get home from school, at around 4 p.m., I have a snack and then start my homework. Sometimes I find myself getting really sleepy—usually because it’s the first time all day that I’ve sat down calmly without something immediate to do—and I want to take a short nap. This doesn’t happen all the time, only occasionally, but when I do, I wake up feeling refreshed and a little more clear-headed.

My parents, however, refuse to let me sleep. They believe that taking a nap after school means I will stay up too late at night. I’ve explained that when I’m tired I can’t think properly, and then it takes me even longer to get my work done (so I end up going to bed late anyway). Still, my parents won’t let me nap. The other day, I was asleep after school and my dad barged into my room, turned the lights on, and ripped my blanket off me. We got into an argument and he called me arrogant for trying to explain how this works for me. It’s so frustrating! I’m almost an adult—I will be going to college next year. It seems absurd that I can’t take a nap without my parents’ approval, even if they have good intentions. Is there anything I can do?

—Sleepy After School

Dear Sleepy,

I don’t know if there is. Parents of teenagers don’t always act rationally. (Obviously, neither do teenagers.) It’s a fraught time for everyone. My guess is that at least part of the explanation for their forbidding you to nap before you finish your homework is that they’re trying to instill what they think are the right habits (for you to take with you when you leave for college). But even if that’s so—and even if not taking a nap from which you wake up refreshed and better able to get your work done was a good habit to establish—there are plenty of other reasons they’re getting all worked up over this. One of them is that you are growing up and getting ready to leave home, which scares them. (They won’t have any control over you at all! They won’t be able to keep you safe and healthy! They won’t know what you’re doing or not doing!)

If you can, try cutting them a little slack. (I know, I know: Why should you, when they’re not giving you that courtesy? Do it for your own sake, because having some insight into their behavior will help you feel less frustrated.) They are also absolutely sure they know more than you do and it is infuriating to them that you insist otherwise. The fact is, they do know more than you do about a lot of things. But you know more than they do about yourself.

Since discussion of this isn’t getting you anywhere, try writing it out—calmly and rationally, without any snide asides like, “You think you know best BUT YOU DON’T” and with a recognition of where they’re coming from and why. Maybe this will help—if they read it; make sure to hand this letter to them during a period of calm, not right after a fight. Good luck. If they stand firm—no naps!—soon enough you’ll be making your own decisions, about naps and many other things. This may not be a battle worth continued fighting.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I love to travel and am finally at a point in my life when I can do it easily. I usually travel with one or more of my sisters. My sister-in-law constantly complains that she is not included on these trips, but whenever I make a suggestion, like, “Let’s go to Chicago in May,” or “Let’s take a train trip to Canada,” I get radio silence from her.

I have even sent her catalogs for cruises, circling which ones I like, and then followed up with an email—and still she does not respond! I finally emailed my brother telling him that he needs to talk to his wife. I told him I am tired of her complaints and snide remarks when she makes zero effort. She is welcome to join me on a trip, I said, but I am not dragging her along. I heard nothing back. What I’ve learned from the family grapevine is that she is so hurt, her family is dropping out of our family reunion at the beach this year. I haven’t seen my brother’s kids for three years because of their school schedules and I was looking forward to seeing them. What do I do? When I call either my brother or my sister-in-law, it goes to voicemail.

—Family Trouble

Dear Trouble,

Your only mistake, it seems to me, was emailing your brother to complain about his wife. This was between you and your sister-in-law, and by putting him in the middle of it, you made him choose a side. I don’t know what you thought would happen.

But what’s done is done. If I were you, I’d leave voicemails, apologizing; I’d send them both emails, apologizing. Not for the mess between you and your sister-in-law (who sounds like a piece of work), but for overstepping. You should have been a grownup and worked it out with her yourself.

I can’t promise they’ll change their minds about the family vacation—or that your sister-in-law will stop ignoring your invitations and then complaining about being excluded—but perhaps if (along with the apology) you stop expecting her to behave differently than she has been behaving all along, and refuse to get yourself worked up about it (if she complains, she complains; who cares? Ignore it!), you’ll be happier. Who knows why she doesn’t respond to email or postal mail invitations or suggestions? Who knows why she feels the need to be aggrieved? None of this is your problem. As to the kids you were looking forward to seeing, you’re going to need to develop relationships with them that are not so tightly tied to their parents. (It can be done, even with young children—I’ve done it myself.) And if they are old enough and those “school schedules” are college schedules, feel free to invite them to visit you. But please step away from the family drama, which does no one any good.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am 15. There are loads of things that other 15-year-olds are allowed to do that I am not. My sister is 18, my stepbrother is 19 and has been with us since I was 10, and they both agree I’m being treated unfairly. Just for instance: School is 25 minutes away on foot, our town doesn’t have school busses, and literally every other kid is allowed to walk home. My own sister was, when she was my age, even when it would have been dangerous for her to. I’ve been walking since I was a toddler! I have a cellphone, so if anything came up, I could call them (or 911 for that matter). Also: My parents don’t like it when I’m friends with boys, other than the ones I meet in a single specific context: events for other kids with similar disabilities to mine.

I was born with a condition called proximal focal femoral deficiency (PFFD) in my left leg and with limb differences in my right hand. My leg was amputated when I was a year old and I’ve had several surgeries in my hand and leg since. My mom has coddled me since I was born and my stepdad has taken her lead. I also have ADHD (like, diagnosed), but I don’t take medication because I am doing perfectly fine without it. But I do have anxiety that my parents don’t believe I have (my closest friend thinks it’s a combination of my ADHD and my mom’s overprotectiveness) and because of that I don’t have a ton of friends, but I’m really close to and happy with the friends I do have. So basically I am OK. But when I ask my mother to loosen up a little, she always says I just don’t understand how hard it’s been for her to have a daughter who has gone through so many surgeries. (But seriously, one of my friends lost his leg to literal cancer and had almost two years of chemo and his parents aren’t nearly as protective of him as she is of me.) It’s true that because of my anxiety, I sometimes seem to rely on her and my siblings a lot. But I am used to having one leg and doing things with 1.5 hands. Walking on my prosthetic is normal for me, as I’ve had limb differences my whole life. Does it impact me every day? Sure, but I’m used to it. I wish she was.

—Enough Coddling

Dear Enough,

The next time you make a plea for a little less coddling (making sure not to raise your voice, make accusations, report your friend’s diagnosis of the root of your troubles, or whine), when Mom tells you you don’t understand what it’s like to be the mother of someone with your disabilities, tell her that, by the same token, she doesn’t understand what it’s like to be you. Then tell her what it’s like to be you. Tell her all the things you’ve told me (but without making comparisons to your older siblings or “other 15-year-olds”—that never works on parents). You might point out that in just a few years you’ll be off to college (I hope you will!) and you need to start practicing the skills you’ll have to rely on then. That might get her attention.

Meanwhile, do everything you can to demonstrate to her that you can be self-sufficient. Then, if this first conversation gets you nowhere, you can point to all the things you do manage to do on your own successfully.

And while you’re at it, although I know it’s hard, spare a tiny bit of your brainspace—and your heart—for your mother. It has been hard for her, for different reasons and in different ways than it’s been for you. Perhaps you both could take a beat to try to imagine what it feels like to be the other.

—Michelle

We recently had a picnic with another couple and their 15-month-old. My 2-year-old son was sitting with me and did something cute, so I pulled out my phone to get a quick pic, and my son was delighted to see himself and me on the selfie screen. At the same time, the other baby came toddling up behind us to investigate, and I thought it might make her smile too, so I held up the phone for her and did the “look at that cute baby!” routine.