So You Want to Explore Polyamory…
Level with me: monogamous relationships aren’t necessarily the norm anymore. Maybe you’ve seen “non-monogamous” listed as a preference on your dating apps, or your bestie recently began identifying as “polyamorous,” but you’re not exactly sure what it means. As gender, sexuality, and identity terms continue to evolve and expand, it’s natural to have questions about them. So, what is polyamory? And what does a poly relationship look like, exactly?
“Polyamory is a relationship style and orientation where you consensually have multiple romantic and sexual relationships,” says Rae McDaniel, MEd, LCPC, a certified sex therapist and author of Gender Magic. “This is in contrast to monogamy, where you have only one partner at a time.” Poly folks may have group relationships involving three or more people, or several independent relationships simultaneously.
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According to a 2023 poll by YouGov, about one-third (34%) of U.S. adults describe their ideal relationship as something other than complete monogamy. A 2021 study in Frontiers in Psychology found that 4 to 5% of the U.S. population practices polyamory, and the same study found that 1 in 6 (16.8%) Americans desire to engage in polyamory. And despite the (unfortunate) stigma surrounding polyamory, the relationship dynamic is more common than one might think.
Whether you’re simply curious about polyamory or think you might be poly yourself, here’s what polyamory means, common types of poly relationships, and how to know if polyamory is right for you, according to experts.
What Is Polyamory?
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“Polyamory—or ‘poly’ for short—describes a form of consensual non-monogamy where members of the relationship have explicit consent to engage in other romantic, sexual, and/or intimate partnerships,” says Keanu Jackson, LMSW, a DEI and racial equity educator and licensed therapist at The Expansive Group. At a glance, polyamory sounds similar to an open relationship dynamic—when one or more partners engage in sexual experiences with other people. However, the terms differ in that polyamory may also involve loving, emotional, or romantic connections with multiple people (not just sex). That said, every relationship is unique—there are many different “flavors” of polyamory you can practice, Jackson explains, and how you practice can change over time.
Polyamory is similar to an open relationship dynamic, in which one or two partners desire sexual relationships outside of each other. Polyamory, however, is about having intimate relationships with multiple people. Polyamory can be a type of open relationship—and polyamory and open relationships are both forms of consensual non-monogamy—but there may be slight differences.
While the definition of polyamory may sound simple, the term represents a diverse spectrum of experiences. “The word ‘polyamory’ breaks down into ‘poly’ meaning ‘many’ and ‘amore’ meaning ‘love,’” says Fox M., M.A., AMFT, a psychotherapist known as The Polyamory Therapist who identifies as poly. “The word ‘love’ in polyamory is expansive…our love doesn’t have to be bound to one person, as it is in monogamy.”
The term “polyamory” may be used to refer to someone’s lifestyle or orientation, but it can also refer to different types of love, Fox M. explains. “If someone identifies as polyamorous, this person may have many relationships in various aspects, such as intimately, platonically, romantically, sexually, or all of the above.”
Types of Polyamorous Relationships
“Polyamory” is not a one-size-fits-all term, and there are many relationship dynamics within the poly spectrum. According to Jackson, being poly doesn’t mean you’re necessarily interested in every type of poly relationship, and if you try one on for size and realize it’s not for you, you don’t have to stick with that relationship dynamic forever. “Part of being poly is finding what works best for you and your relationship(s), and the fun is that it can be as experimental as you’d like,” he says.
The bottom line: You should always feel empowered to embrace identity terms that resonate with you. That said, here are some common types of poly relationships to know about:
Hierarchical: “Hierarchical polyamorous relationships typically look like having one primary partner and other partners who are tertiary,” McDaniel says. “This doesn’t mean treating a tertiary partner badly or as someone to be discarded, but respecting that there will likely be differing levels of commitment and expectations than with a primary partner.” In this dynamic, you may consider your primary partner to be very significant in the relationship while having specific agreements about the terms of your relationship with other partners.
Non-hierarchal: In this dynamic, there is no “hierarchy” of partners. ”Non-hierarchical polyamorous relationships typically look like not designating one partner as primary, but allowing partnerships to flow and change over time,” McDaniel explains.
Solo Poly: Solo poly generally involves having multiple partnerships with “an increased emphasis on independence and personal autonomy,” according to Jackson. Someone may identify as poly and may be involved with others who are, too, but they may not be interested in being married or involved domestically. “For example, they may not desire cohabitation with partners, preferring to live alone,” he adds.
Polyfidelity: “This is a dynamic where there’s a closed group of folks who are all romantically and/or sexually involved with each other,” Jackson explains. Often, this looks like being exclusive to those partners and not dating outside of the group.
Throuple: In this relationship dynamic, a poly person is dating two people who are also in a relationship with each other.
Vee: This relationship dynamic gets its name from the letter “V,” in which one person acts as a “hinge” (also referred to as a “pivot,” “connector,” or “point”) between two people. “In this type of relationship, one individual has separate relationships with two other people who may or may not also be involved with each other,” Jackson explains.
Fox M. notes that there are also mixed relationships. “Within ‘polyamory,’ people may be in mono/poly mixed-orientation relationships where one person identifies as monogamous and the other identifies as polyamorous—or a couple may identify each other as their primary partners and have other lovers outside of this relationship, or share lovers all together,” she says.
Common Myths About Polyamory
Despite polyamory being a positive, transformative experience for many people, there is ongoing stigma and misunderstanding about what it means. “One misconception of polyamory is that it’s all about sex,” McDaniel says. “[But] if you talk to any seasoned polyamorous person, you’ll quickly realize that polyamory involves [a] high-level relationship, time management, and communication skills to navigate meaningful relationships with multiple people.” In other words, sex is only one part of a much larger picture—or it may not be part of someone’s poly experience at all.
Another harmful myth is that polyamory signifies infidelity. “One of the things that I hear often is the belief that polyamory is the same as cheating, or is a way to excuse cheating,” Jackson says. “These beliefs are rooted in general misinformation regarding what it means to be poly, as well as cultural stigma towards non-monogamy as a whole.”
However, infidelity can still happen in poly relationships, Jackson says—so it’s even more important to establish agreements and guidelines with your partner(s) so everyone is on the same page. For example, if you decide to practice polyfidelity with specific people, but your partner kisses or dates someone outside the group, this may be considered infidelity. In short, cheating can occur in poly relationships when a partner doesn’t adhere to boundaries or standards that were mutually agreed upon.
“Being poly isn’t about sleeping with as many people as possible, deceiving your partner, or attempting to maintain control over others,” he explains. “Although yes, cheating can occur within poly relationships—just like monogamous relationships—poly relationships are not inherently more susceptible to cheating or dishonesty.” Poly folks are not less trustworthy, he explains, and any poly relationship should be built on consent, trust, and communication.
How To Know If Polyamory Is Right For You
You know yourself best, and like any relationship dynamic, only you can tell if polyamory is right for you. However, experts say there are some signs it might be worth exploring.
“Some people just know they are polyamorous from a very young age,” Fox says. “Some are drawn to a polyamorous lifestyle once they find they struggle with monogamy or realize it goes against who they are, and others may feel inspired to try it because of its liberating, adventurous, and expansive foundation of loving others. I believe you would know polyamory is for you if you feel drawn to it and it serves you in some way.”
If you’re curious to try polyamory but feel hesitant or uncomfortable about it, you’re not alone—especially considering societal stigma and misunderstanding around poly relationships. “Cishet-normative relationship frameworks teach us that monogamy is the standard and that our partner should be able to meet all of our needs at all times,” Jackson says. “Although this may work for some people, the idea that a single person is supposed to [or] should also be available and check all of our boxes is incredibly unrealistic and can even be dismissive or objectifying.”
Experts recommend researching polyamory and moving at your own pace. “There are many great books and podcasts out there about polyamory that can serve as a good starting place for reflecting on what you want out of polyamory and what your challenges might be,” McDaniel says. (McDaniel recommends Opening Up by Tristan Taoromino and the Multiamory podcast). “They are also a great way to start conversations with a partner about potentially shifting your relationship dynamic.” Beyond research, McDaniel recommends a dating app like Feeld, an inclusive, poly-affirming platform that can help you explore your preferences further. “I always suggest that those new to polyamory disclose this in their profile so you give folks an opportunity to opt in or out of that dynamic,” McDaniel adds.
Regardless of the path you take, you may end up loving polyamory or find that it ultimately isn’t for you—and that’s totally valid. “It’s important to remember that a person’s journey is uniquely theirs alone, so there really aren’t any specific parameters or checklists to determine whether or not someone is poly,” Jackson says. “At the end of the day, open and honest communication and a willingness to tap into your own imagination are useful tools in helping someone begin the process of figuring things out for themself.”
Experts:
Rae McDaniel, MEd, LCPC, (they/them) a certified sex therapist and author of Gender Magic
Keanu Jackson, LMSW, (he/him), a DEI and racial equity educator and licensed therapist at The Expansive Group
Fox M., M.A., AMFT, (she/her), known as The Polyamory Therapist
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