I Want This Absurd $431 Hat, But It's Sold Out Everywhere

A colossal straw Jacquemus hat is taking over my Instagram feed.

Since making its runway debut in Paris last September, the titanic topper—large enough to need its own zip code, honestly—has made its way into vacation 'grams, beach 'grams and even wedding 'grams (you betcha a bride wore this hat instead of a veil.)

So, who's the man behind the UFO saucer-turned-must-have beach accessory? That'd be Simon Porte Jacquemus, the French designer I may or may not have an equally supersized crush on. (Can you blame me?)

Jacquemus, 28 (!), started his eponymous label at 19, and now everyone wants a taste of him. The self-taught Paris Fashion Week wunderkind has landed a spot on the Business of Fashion 500 and was a finalist for the 2014 and 2015 LVMH Prize—a big deal for fashion people.

Indeed, the man is talented, turning to nostalgic images of life in the South of France for inspiration and cranking out collections that will make you lust after sun-soaked beaches and margarita-fueled vacations. And his larger than life hat isn't his first accessories hit. On the opposite side of the size spectrum, his teeny-tiny $478 micro Le sac Espelho bags are nearly out of stock.

Sidebar: He's also easy on the eyes. Do yourself a favor and peruse his Instagram feed. The shirtless photos are a little thirsty, but whoever said staying hydrated is a bad thing?

Devilishly handsome smile and abs aside … let's get back to that hat.

Jacquemus struck gold when he designed this year’s most coveted accessory, aptly named the Le grand chapeau Bomba. The list of models and perfectly tanned muses who’ve worn it so far reads like a Fyre Festival (R.I.P.) VIP-only list, Emily Ratajkowski included.

Obviously, the hat is absurd. It’s enormous. It's over-the-top. There’s nothing practical about it, nothing subtle. Inevitably, someone will make fun of you for wearing it.

And yet.

I’d wear this stupid hat to the beach, or for a stroll in the park. I’d wear it to hide from people I don’t want to say hello to. If I flipped it on its head, I’d even carry it as a clutch. Why? I mean, why not? Call me ridiculous, but I’d gladly save up my well-earned coins to get my paws on the Bomba hat. If I’m spending money on an off-the-runway piece, you bet I’m blasting a photo of myself in it all over social media. I'm not ashamed to admit: I'd do it for the 'gram.

Sure, it’s designed for women, but even the designer has proven boys can wear it well, too.

So why don’t I own it? Again, I blame the influencers for perhaps being too good at well, influencing—it's sold out.

Sure, you can score the extra-large version for $697, the cost of a new wardrobe from Zara or a round-trip ticket to Europe during the off season, but for those of us ballin’ on a budget, the smaller (yet still grossly, perfectly oversize) $431 version is sadly sold out. And before you ask, yes, we checked Net-A-Porter. Gone.

Simon, if you’re reading this, please produce more of them—I’ll buy it.

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As with any great fashion piece in the year 2018, the Jacquemus hat is not without a bit of controversy. To make an incredibly long story short, Diet Prada, an Instagram account that calls out designers for ripping off or um, heavily borrowing ideas from other labels, targeted Jacquemus for mistakenly identifying a different hat worn by Bella Hadid in Vogue Mexico as his own.

Jacquemus originally shared the image of Hadid in the large, floppy hat on his page, and Diet Prada pointed out Hadid's topper was actually by Olmos & Flores. He deleted the Hadid images from his profile and called Diet Prada “fake news.” Since the whole shebang went down, some fashion leaders have criticized Jacquemus for using language that resembles the harsh words of President Donald Trump.

Sigh! All this over a stupid hat.

But look, big hats are having a moment (have you seen this very magazine’s August cover?). And if there’s one accessory I personally would shell out the dough for, it’s Jacquemus’s “Bomba” baby. Anyone want to go halfsies?