Vogue World: London was the most random event you'll see all year
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How to describe Vogue World: London, which for one night only was the hottest ticket in the West End? Well, imagine the chaotic energy of a primary school talent contest, but instead of parents in the audience you have Princess Beatrice and Rita Ora.
It was billed as Britain’s answer to New York’s Met Gala, and celebrities certainly pulled out the stops on the red carpet: a heavily pregnant Sienna Miller wearing a cropped shirt and puffball skirt, Tom Daley in rhinestones, Stormzy in a suit featuring one of those cloths you put over your shoulder to catch baby sick. Quite a few women turned up in just their knickers, which is apparently very fashionable right now.
The VIPs got table seats at the Theatre Royal Drury Lane. Ordinary guests were in the dress circle. The great unwashed could watch the show via live stream. With Stephen Daldry at the helm, and claims that the performance would be comparable to the Opening Ceremony of the 2012 London Olympics, expectations were high.
We began with Kate Moss in a backstage dressing room. She’s looking directly into the camera. Oh God, is she going to act? No. Phew. She’s going to throw some shapes instead while trapped under a mosquito net, for reasons that are not immediately apparent.
Now someone in a Dennis the Menace jumper is running around the floor, as the guests tense in alarm. It’s Cara Delevingne. She gets on stage and kisses FKA Twigs. Britney and Madonna did this in 2003. Please try harder. I think I see Neneh Cherry and Skin from Skunk Anansie walk past.
Stormzy comes on to sing Crown, which includes the line “heavy is the head that wears the crown”. Afterwards, Sophie Okonedo delivers the Henry IV part II speech which inspired the line. This pairing makes sense. More Shakespeare follows. “Wherefore art thou, Romeo?” asks Juliet. The answer: he’s weaving through the A-listers’ tables, one of which is hosting Succession actor Brian Cox, whose face says: “This is going to be a long night.”
Juliet goes off to a nightclub playing Basement Jaxx and up pops Damian Lewis in tartan Vivienne Westwood, brandishing a bin bag and pretending to be an usher. He’s soon joined by Cush Jumbo, Sienna Miller, James McAvoy and James Corden. Did you really think there could be an event like this without James Corden?
McAvoy tells a fictional anecdote about selling a programme to Little Simz. The sheer randomness of the evening becomes increasingly apparent. Rather than the 2012 Opening Ceremony, this was akin to the Platinum Jubilee pageant, a fever dream of a procession in which Prue Leith, Patsy Kensit and Basil Brush went down the Mall in an assortment of vehicles.
Dame Harriet Walter comes on, pretending to be a stage door manager, and gives a nice speech in praise of Britain’s theatres and the people who work in them - not the actors but the ushers, the ice cream sellers, the backstage staff. She gets in a joke about AI threatening actors’ jobs.
Next: Annie Lennox singing Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) and There Must Be An Angel (Playing With My Heart). She’s great, and significantly more in tune than Stormzy was earlier.
And then the supers come out - Naomi Campbell, Cindy Crawford, Christy Turlington and Linda Evangelista. The camera operator initially failed to include Campbell in the shot - be careful, pal, she’s brained people with a mobile phone for less.
They look terrific, although Evangelista being swathed in acres of fabric while the others wore figure-hugging gowns was an uncomfortable reminder that she was left permanently deformed (in her words) by an adverse reaction to a fat reduction procedure.
Rose petals fall from the rafters to signal the end, after barely half an hour. We saw some top class dancers and heard some excellent singers and musicians, but they weren’t introduced so it was impossible while watching to know where they came from - something of an oversight in a show supposedly dedicated to celebrating London’s artistic talent.
Vogue supplied the information later: they included opera singer Hongni Wu, the Southbank Sinfonia, members of Rambert and The Royal Ballet, and the London Community Gospel Choir. All credit to them.
Stephen Daldry’s hand was undetectable. All of it was upstaged by Sienna Miller’s maternity wear:
