What Is Unpaid Digital Care Work? The Load Moms Didn't Know They Were Carrying

A recent study looked at this particular type of work we're performing, and it's infuriating.

Fact checked by Sarah Scott

“Mental load,” “invisible load,” “default parent,” and “emotional labor” have all become buzzy terms in recent years. The idea is that one parent—stereotypically the woman in heterosexual couples—winds up doing and thinking about various tasks in terms of managing and caring for a household.

You know, like having to be the one that remembers that your kids’ three different schools need tissue boxes, picking them up, remembering to pack them, and reminding the child to give the package to their teachers on the first day of school.

The concepts aren’t new, but the school and childcare closures during the pandemic exacerbated and spotlighted them.

A new study is shedding additional light on what that load involves—and it’s not just in-person tasks and interactions. The study, conducted by an Australian researcher and published in the Journal of New Media, analyzes previous data. But it also includes new interviews with 17 mothers of 9-to-16-year-olds with male co-parents about “unpaid digital care work.”

The findings are predictable, obnoxious, and a sign things must change.

Related: Project Mental (Un)Load: We Need to Talk About the Unspoken Burdens of Parenthood

What the Study on Unpaid Digital Work Found

The researcher, Fae Heaselgrave, a lecturer in communication and media at the University of South Australia, looked at “unpaid digital care work,” or the desire to “protect, guide, and educate children in their media use.” Heaselgrave found this work became more critical and challenging during the pandemic when digital media use among children increased.

In interviews with mothers, they expressed unpaid digital care work was “intense, constant, and unyielding.” The work “takes a physical and emotional toll on mothers.” The moms said they spent time and energy stressing about the risks of digital media use, potential scams, and setting rules and boundaries on content consumption, such as computer and phone use and parental controls. The moms saw it as their responsibility to mold their kids into “responsible digital citizens."

For example, one mother interviewed discussed a time when she forgot to set up parental controls on an iPad correctly, and her 10-year-old had access to content designed for people over 12.

“He just went in and downloaded some really inappropriate adult content,” the mom said according to the study. “Of course, I’m panicking thinking, ‘Oh my God, my child is looking at this sort of stuff, and he’s too young,’ but it didn’t take too much searching to find out that’s exactly the age when they start becoming curious."

But here’s the kicker: According to the study, these moms said they have to negotiate “the terms of children’s media use with skeptical parents.” Some of their male partners were indifferent to social media and technology use or were willing to play “good cop,” such as by using it as a reward.

For example, one mom said her husband would mention that their son has been “a really good boy lately, and we’re all very tired. Perhaps [he] is allowed to have the iPad in bed tonight.” The mother is concerned bending the rules “just this once” will start a pattern.

Still, many mothers told Heaselgrave phones were a good way to stay in touch with their kids and keep them safe and occupied. Even that prompted anxiety though—some moms got worried when kids didn’t respond to texts immediately.

It’s a Lot to Unpack (or Unload)

The idea of yet another unpaid task on a mother’s to-do list is infuriating, especially when it comes with mentions that the male co-parent doesn’t care. Why is this the case? It could be a few reasons.

Take the woman with the husband who wanted to use the iPad in bed to reward their son. The part that stood out was, “We’re all very tired.” Modern parenting can be exhausting—we don’t all have a village. Employers expect us to ignore our kids and work. Parents don’t necessarily want to give screen time, but it’s an easy way to keep kids distracted or reward them so they can get work done, cook, or have a hot second to themselves.

The problem is the unfair pitfalls of modern parenting (brought on by societal and systemic pressures, not kids themselves) don’t negate the issues with screen time and digital media use.

In the spring, U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, MD, MBA, blamed social media for the youth mental health crisis. Though this study looked at parents of tweens and teens, the research and the American Academy of Pediatrics' (AAP) stance on infant screen time is pretty straightforward: It can hinder development, and it’s not recommended.

The unpaid digital care work mothers do is vital for children of all ages' physical, cognitive, and emotional health. But it shouldn’t just be on mothers. Both parents should play a role.

"The unpaid digital care work mothers do is vital for children of all ages' physical, cognitive, and emotional health. But it shouldn’t just be on mothers. Both parents should play a role."

Beth Ann Mayer

There could be other reasons, of course. “I grew up watching XYZ, and I turned out fine.” “I had Playboy under my bed, and I turned out fine, so who cares about such-and-such app?" “I spend 7 hours on Facebook per day and use it to yell at people, and I’m fine.”

Did you turn out fine? Are you fine? I look around at how people—adults—have treated one another on social media, mainly since 2016. It’s made me want to delete my accounts (I recently put screen time limits on Facebook and Instagram and am already amazed at how much better I feel). It's also made me wonder how we will teach our kids to be "good digital citizens" when so many people they look up to aren't.

It feels hopeless, so no, I don't think we're fine. And even if we are all fine, is fine the goal? I want my kids to thrive. Sorry, not sorry, that means limited access to screens for my 3.5-year-old and none for my 18-month-old. (Disclaimer: I'm not perfect with my preschooler, and the wheels come off when he gets sick, but there's a considerable effort toward limiting screens.) And yes, I’ve been the one pushing to turn off the TV or certain content. And yes, it’s hard.

Some ways I’ve learned to advocate for myself (and kids) include:

• Presenting research. Sharing new studies on the impacts of digital media use and screen time shows that I’m not just doing the “mom thing” of worrying about everything. I have reasons for my desire to limit my kids’ time using screens. I use this research to say, “It’s important to our children and me that we not use screens as a constant distraction because of this, and I’d like your support.”

• Resources. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) offers a Family Media Plan, and Common Sense Media is full of ratings and resources to help parents make joint decisions on media consumption. I recommend setting aside time together to look at them—once you’re on the same page and have guidelines in place, you can discuss them with your kids and enforce them together.

• Get your kids involved. Allow kids a say in some aspects of the digital media plan or their use. Even my 3.5-year-old can get involved. “We’re going to watch one show today. Do you want to watch Sesame Street now and then turn it off and go outside, or would you rather play outside first and watch Paw Patrol later?” It lays out expectations while giving him some say and has helped with meltdowns. It also takes the total onus off me—my son chose what he wanted to watch and when, and now that’s the plan.

• Set an example. Getting your kids to take you seriously is hard if they hear from a friend’s parent that “Daddy got kicked off Facebook for cursing about politics again.” Show kids how to be good digital citizens—together—by setting an example. Be inclusive, refrain from disparaging marginalized groups online (or ever), and think critically about the content you post by ensuring it’s from a reputable source.
  

No aspect of parenting should fall to one person (other than biological functions like carrying, birthing, and breast/chestfeeding). It’s not OK that digital media use is in many cases falling to one parent, but there’s no need to primal scream into the void (at least as a first-line fix). Have a conversation, and try to make digital media use a team effort. And if you’re a male in a heterosexual relationship: Carry your load.

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