What Is Unicorn Polyamory?
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Medically reviewed by Ivy Kwong, LMFT
Unicorn polyamory (aka unicorn poly) is the term for when two people who are in a relationship (typically a heterosexual couple of one man and one woman) add a third party to the relationship. This partner is usually a bisexual woman, though they could also be a bisexual man or a nonbinary person.
That third party is called the unicorn, and they are often brought in for only sex. The unicorn is part of the relationship, but unlike in some other poly relationship models, the unicorn is typically not an equal party. They may be beholden to the couple and their rules, and may not have equal footing.
At a Glance
Unicorn polyamory involves a couple adding a third person to the relationship. While poly relationships often reject traditional relationship hierarchies, such relationships can be just as satisfying and successful as monogamous relationships. However, such relationships are sometimes poorly viewed since they often place the "unicorn" in an unfair position due to the inherent power imbalance in the relationship. In this article, let's take a closer look at how such relationships work, what they involve, and the challenges they may face.
Related: How to Build Compersion in Your Relationships
The History of the Term "Unicorn Polyamory"
While recent times have led to much documentation around different relationship styles and models, with numerous books available on the subject, this hasn't always been the case. Because of a lack of documentation about counterculture and subcultural relationship styles, isn't possible to know who invented the term unicorn polyamory.
One blogger speculates that the term has been in use since the 1970s, saying that in the swinger communities of that time, the word unicorn was used to describe a bisexual woman who was available to have a threesome with a heterosexual couple.
The term also meant that the woman would not try to infringe upon the couple's relationship or seek to become close with only one member of it.
Takeaway
In recent times, the word unicorn has become a popular one on dating apps, and it refers to a woman willing to sleep with a couple or a couple seeking a woman to sleep with them together.
What Is Polyamory?
The basic idea of polyamory is that one or both parties in a couple are also involved with people outside of that couple. There are many different types of polyamory, such as:
Polyamory implies an openness to outside relationships, not just sex, but it is also an umbrella term under which any relationship models that are not monogamous fall, no matter what the relationship setup looks like.
Takeaway
Data estimates that at least 21% of single people have been involved in some type of sexual non-monogamous relationship. A 2021 study found that 16.8% of people want to engage in a polyamorous relationship and that 10.7% have engaged in polyamory at some point in their lives.
It's worth noting that some couples who have or seek a unicorn don't necessarily identify as polyamorous.
What Is A Unicorn?
A unicorn is a person who is willing to join an existing couple. The sexual meaning of a unicorn is someone who engages in sexual activity with a couple but does not participate in other aspects of the relationship. In other cases, they may become a more involved part of the relationship and spend nonsexual, companionship time together too.
The word is used for this description because unicorns don't exist, and it is incredibly hard for a heterosexual couple to find a bisexual woman who wants to be involved with them but is willing to play a lesser role, following along with whatever boundaries and rules the couple has established.
Takeaway
While the word unicorn can technically be for a person of any gender, they are usually a woman, or occasionally a nonbinary person. When a man wants to join an existing couple, they may refer to themself as a "dragon" rather than a unicorn.
What Does the Term "Unicorn Hunting" Mean?
"Unicorn hunting" describes the act of a couple looking for a woman to add to their relationship in some way. The couple is generally a straight one, and they are usually seeking a bisexual woman.
The act of looking is called "hunting" because they're actively seeking something with an animal label.
A couple may have a dating app profile in which they declare they are "looking for their unicorn," or they may attend LGBTQIA+ events, or go to clubs with a queer clientele. If a straight person is seen in an LGBTQIA+ space, the most common assumption made about why they are there is that they are seeking a unicorn.
What Unicorn Polyamory Looks Like in a Relationship
Outside of the personal or cultural knowledge someone might have, information about unicorn polyamory and what it entails can be found in places like blogs. Examples of these include Unicorn Yard and Unicorns Rule.
There are no hard and fast rules about unicorn polyamory, as it is a cultural term, not a technical one.
Unicorn polyamory generally regards the couple as primary partners and the unicorn as the secondary partner.
In entering the couple's relationship, the unicorn consents to be a part of their existing structure. This means that if the couple has established rules, the unicorn must follow them. These rules might seem unfair, such as that the unicorn isn't allowed to be intimate with only half the couple while the couple has permission to have sex without the unicorn.
Additionally, the unicorn is usually under the presumption that if the relationship between the couple were to fail, the unicorn would not continue to see either of its parties. The unicorn is specifically sleeping with or dating the couple, not a member of it.
Related: Navigating a Polycule: Exploring Non-Monogamous Networks
The Difference Between Unicorn Polyamory and Triad/Throuple Relationships
Some elements of unicorn polyamory might sound similar to a triad or throuple relationship, but there are key differences. Primarily, a throuple or triad relationship is about three people who are all primary partners.
Takeaway
There is no hierarchy present in throuples generally, and it isn't assumed that any of the parties in it were a couple first. Conversely, the term unicorn specifically implies that a single person is joining a couple.
Another major difference between unicorn poly and triads/throuples is how the group relationship moves forward once established. In a triad, it can be assumed that all rules made will be agreed upon by all three parties. However, in unicorn poly, the assumption is that the couple will always make the rules, and the unicorn must follow them.
Some People Believe That Unicorn Polyamory Is Unfair to the Unicorn
Because of these differences, unicorn poly isn't viewed as positively within polyamorous and LGBTQIA+ communities as triads are.
Takeaway
The unicorn position is often seen as unfair because of the imbalance of power in the relationship. Queer people often dislike "unicorn hunters" taking up space in queer places, and may not treat them as members of their community.
If a unicorn and a couple decide that they do want to embark upon a triad relationship, they'll usually change the terminology they use. Rather than continuing to call themselves a "unicorn" situation, they'll likely refer to just being in a relationship together instead, and throw the unicorn word aside.
The Emotional Impact of Unicorn Polyamory
Research suggests that while polyamorous relationships tend not to have a clear relationship hierarchy, such relationships can be just as fulfilling in terms of commitment and satisfaction as monogamous relationships.
Someone who chooses to be a unicorn might have a wonderful time and experience with every couple they join. They might find it completely fulfilling. However, because the situation is unbalanced, this might not be the case.
A unicorn is often required to actively consent to give up a lot of personal power and must adhere to the whims and rules of the couple.
According to one study looking at unicorn dynamics in a polyamory subreddit suggested that unicorns are often treated as an out-group in the relationship and are subjected to considerable social stigma.
While a person might decide that they want to try being a unicorn, that doesn't mean they have to stick with it if it doesn't feel right for them. Just because a couple thinks that they have the right to set all of the rules about how a situation goes doesn't mean the potential unicorn has to consent to them.
Takeaway
A unicorn is as important a person in the world as a member of a couple is, and this is important for them to remember.
Keep in Mind
Unicorn polyamory can be a great experience for an individual, but due to the power imbalance inherently involved in it, it could have some major pitfalls. These pitfalls could potentially lead to emotional distress. Remember that you are your own person with full autonomy, and you never have to take part in anything that doesn't feel completely good to you.
Related: Exploring Polyamory and Ethical Non-Monogamy as a Latina Woman
Read the original article on Verywell Mind.
