Uncomfortable Conversations: Being a bridesmaid is expensive. Can or should you say no?
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The dilemma: Being a bridesmaid today is not the same as it was when I was in my early 20s and when I got married nearly 29 years ago. My bridesmaids bought a dress (OK, I now admit it was ugly), I had a bridal shower in my maid of honor's family basement and I honestly can't remember if I had a bachelorette party. This was definitely before there were big blow-out "destination" festivities.
Being a bridesmaid is different now – and more expensive
These days, being a bridesmaid can get very expensive, especially if the ceremony and prenuptial festivities are out of town, adding even more costs on top of the bridal party attire and other expenses. Can or should you turn down an invitation to stand beside your friend at the altar?
My 27-year-old niece and I were comparing notes recently when she was telling me about an extravagant March destination wedding where she was one of 13 bridesmaids.
Yes, you read that right.
She learned in a “Bridesmaid Zoom Call” – the first of several – that she and other bridesmaids were responsible for tasks normally handled by the bride or a wedding planner. For instance, my niece and the future sister-in-law were in charge of planning the rehearsal dinner and my niece was also in charge of coordinating reception drinks.
Other bridesmaids were tasked with booking the DJ or arranging for hair and makeup on the wedding day (for $180 to be paid by each bridesmaid).
“In my head, I was like ‘I don’t want to do this. Hire somebody to do this for you,' ” my niece told me.
But she put on a smile and said yes since other bridesmaids – most of whom she didn’t know – were enthusiastically accepting the duties.
“I think she was trying to save money and DIY it, so wanted help with everything, but we really didn’t have a choice,” my niece said, adding that the group didn't receive an accurate breakdown of all the costs. “I feel like that’s a lot to put on somebody else.”
When I finally tallied up all my niece had spent being a bridesmaid – between the dress and alterations, travel to three different places – for a bachelorette trip, bridal shower and destination wedding – and a lot of other “extra” expenses, I asked if she wanted to know.
“No,” she laughed nervously. “But yes.”
$3,100.
“That’s a lot,” she said.
How much should you budget as a bridesmaid?
While the bride may have been a bit over the top, my niece's dilemma was not that unusual.
The costs and responsibilities of being a bridesmaid have exploded in recent years.
The Knot, an online wedding resources website, has an article outlining costs for bridesmaids that can top $3,430, with the destination bachelorette party bearing the biggest price tag at an average of $1,300 per person.
A LendingTree survey in 2021 said one-third of bridal party members went into debt for their friend’s wedding and 68% used a credit card for bridal party expenses, with 37% charging more than $1,000.
Peer pressure is a thing for bridesmaids
The pressure to say yes to your friend – even if it puts the bridesmaid in a financial bind, or worse, in debt, is high, my niece said.
She spent $1,000 on a four-day destination bachelorette party in Las Vegas. That included a $140 per person Sunday brunch with a pre-planned menu. My niece has some dietary restrictions, so she couldn’t eat most of the food, but she felt she couldn’t turn down the invite out of fear she'd be left behind in her hotel room.
Even once the bridesmaids got to the weekend of the wedding, there was no hotel block set aside so the bridal party or guests could get a discounted rate. There was also no transportation provided for the bridal party. My niece and others had to use ride-hailing apps to get themselves to hair and makeup appointments, the church for the wedding and then the reception.
Here’s the final tally of her expenses:
◾ $140 dress.
◾ $60 dress alterations.
◾ $300 to fly to bridal shower.
◾ $50 bridal shower gift.
◾ $1,000 for Las Vegas bachelorette trip.
◾ $600 airfare for niece and her boyfriend to fly to destination wedding.
◾ $500 for hotel for the wedding.
◾ $180 ($90 each) for hair and makeup on the wedding day.
◾ $50 boat activity pre-wedding day.
◾ $100 wedding gift.
◾ $120 for Uber rides from the hotel to the makeup appointment, then to the church, on to the reception, and then back to the hotel.
◾ Total: $3,100.
'I feel like saying no could ruin a friendship'
I asked my niece if she would have said yes to being a bridesmaid if she knew she would have to spend $3,100. She said she would, though it was a hit to her finances.
“If I had more than one of these a year, I wouldn’t be able to do it,” she said. “I would probably have to say no and I would probably feel embarrassed... it just puts you in a weird position.”
My niece shared a text thread with some girlfriends she had after our conversation. One friend said she was on her 11th bachelorette trip “so I would hate to do all the math on all mine.”
Another friend said, “I feel like it needs to become a new social norm to tell your bridal party upfront what the financial commitment is going to be.”
Another replied: “Honestly, I feel like saying no could ruin a friendship.”
One friend said she's never said “no” to being in the wedding, but she’s opted out of bachelorette trips.
Experience makes niece a more sensitive bride
My niece is now a bride-to-be.
She’s already cost-conscious and considerate, but her bridesmaid experience has also made her a more sensitive bride.
She’s only having two bridesmaids and plans on paying for their hair and makeup.
She said she's also been ”saving up like crazy because I want to pay for the bachelorette trip,'' though her friends will have to pay for their flights.
Why, I asked her.
“It’s an unnecessary trip that everybody has to go on and it’s really for me,” she said.
She’s also looking for a less expensive hotel as a second choice for budget-conscious guests from out of town.
And she’s not doling out any jobs to her bridesmaids.
“We’ve hired a wedding planner,” she said.
Want more?: Uncomfortable Conversations About Money: Read past stories here
Expert: Bridemaids' duties/expenses 'exponentially larger'
The expert advice: Being a bridesmaid has indeed changed and it is causing financial stress and straining friendships, said Marissa Forsyth, business development director for Junebug Weddings, an online wedding inspiration resource and vendor directory.
“The expenses that go along with not only being a bridesmaid but being a friend of a bride are just exponentially larger than they used to be, say even 10 years ago,” said Forsyth, who has been involved in the wedding industry for about a decade.
“I think the rise of destination weddings, destination bachelorette parties are a thing now too.”
There are also costs for gatherings like a lingerie shower, a stock-the-bar party (a co-ed trend to stock the engaged couple’s at-home liquor supply and engagement celebrations, said Forsyth.
Forsyth said bridesmaids are spending anywhere from $1,500 to $3,000.
A few years ago, one of Forsyth’s friends was in 12 weddings in one year.
“She couldn't go on vacation with us or have time off because everything was dedicated to these wedding weekends,” Forsyth said.
How do you have the awkward conversation about costs?
At Junebug, the advice is to “be honest and upfront. Don't come up with an excuse of why you can't be at the wedding that's not related to finances,” Forsyth said.
“If the friendship is strong enough, it shouldn't affect the friendship in a negative way,” she said, though she acknowledges broaching the subject is much easier said than done.
Just as important, Forsyth said, is not to flat out pass on the chance to be in the wedding without first calculating your own budget and talking to the bride about your concerns.
Maybe you attend the destination wedding but skip the destination bachelorette party. Maybe you ask the bride if you can buy your dress off a second-hand website or do your own hair and makeup, she said.
Forsyth said it breaks her heart to hear comments like those from my niece’s friends saying they feel like being honest about the financial strain and saying no to being a bridesmaid would ruin a friendship.
Don't try to put on a fake facade that everything is OK, she said.
"Showing a little vulnerability can be beneficial to the friendship too,” Forsyth said. "You might find out that your friend is also having financial struggles."
Forsyth also advises tackling the conversation early in the process.
“You don't want to be the person who everybody assumes is attending the bachelorette party and then back out last minute, and then it causes everybody else to have a bigger bill,'' she said.
So... do you still have to get the bride a gift?
Forsyth said the bride should “make clear to everybody involved what she's expecting."
Some brides say "‘No gifts because you being there is my gift," she said. That "takes the pressure off the bridesmaids in a really easy way."
A group gift among bridesmaids, where everyone is contributing $40 or $50, could also work, Forsyth said. Also DIY or homemade gifts or buying something small but special on Etsy “is still super meaningful, something that you dedicate your time to without having to put a big budget toward.”
Responsibility is on the bride
The bride should also outline the budget and responsibilities she's assigning her bridesmaids, said Forsyth.
Map out expenses as soon as you can for bridesmaids so there are no surprise $140 brunches during an already expensive destination bachelorette party, Forsyth said.
Finally, is it ever worth going into debt?
“We want to say yes, but we can’t be afraid to say no,” said Forsyth of accepting bridal party invitations.
“It's OK to say, ‘I'd love to do this. I'm going to have to be excluded from this point, but I'm so happy to be a part of your wedding day, and I cannot wait to see you walk down the aisle.’"
The conversation may be difficult but “If the outcome is going to be way more negative than positive to participate in this wedding, then you kind of owe it to yourself to be honest,” she said. "This isn't the end all, be all for your friendship, even though it feels like it.''
Betty Lin-Fisher is a consumer reporter for USA TODAY. Reach her at blinfisher@USATODAY.com or follow her on X, Facebook, or Instagram @blinfisher. Sign up for our free The Daily Money newsletter, which will include consumer news on Fridays, here.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: The costs of being a bridesmaid have exploded. Should you go in debt?
