Tucker Carlson vs. Media Matters: Whomst Owned Whomst?
Welcome to Whomst Owned Whomst, a feature in which we examine a high-profile media beef to determine, with extreme prejudice, Whomst Owned Whomst.
In This Corner: Fox News host and discarded shrimp tail Tucker Carlson
In the Other Corner: Media Matters, the watchdog site that hate-watches Fox regularly to capture its most appalling content. Sounds fun!
The Beef: Media Matters went full K-File and unearthed old audio of Carlson on the Bubba the Love Sponge radio show, defending then accused (and now convicted) child sex offender Warren Jeffs. If you’ve ever read Under the Banner of Heaven by Jon Krakauer, you know that Jeffs was a monster: the leader of a radical fundamentalist Mormon sect nestled along the border between Arizona and Utah that abhorred formal education and forced underage girls into plural marriages. One of those girls, Elissa Wall, was just 14 years old when she was forced by the church to marry her own cousin, who then allegedly raped her as a matter of routine. Jeffs, who officiated that ceremony, was himself eventually found guilty of sexually assaulting two girls, aged 12 and 15. He was technically “married” to the former, one of his more than 80 wives. He is now serving a life sentence with extra time thrown in for good measure.
Shitty guy, right? Not if you had asked ol’ Tuck:
I should make the laws around here, and Michael Vick would have been executed, and Warren Jeffs would be out on the street… I am not defending underage marriage at all. I just don't think it's the same thing exactly as pulling a child from a bus stop and sexually assaulting that child… The rapist, in this case, has made a lifelong commitment to live and take care of the person, so it is a little different. I mean, let's be honest about it.
Sorry if you liberal snowflakes out there virtue signaling your disapproval of child rape are outraged by this, but not everyone can handle Tucker’s HARDCORE TRUTHS.
The Attempted Ownage: Ah, but that’s not all. Media Matters also unearthed audio of Carlson calling Iraqis “primitive monkeys” and gleefully dropping a gay slur. The presumed goal here of Media Matters was to expose Carlson as an ignorant pig—something he does himself every night for an hour on cable television—and drum up enough public outrage to get him thrown off the air. But we live in a country where Joe Arpaio got a personal pardon from a sitting president, so I’m not exactly hopeful here, because…
The Attempted Counter Ownage: You’re not gonna believe this, but Carlson arrogantly dismissed the entire matter as “naughty” talk (hilarious!), accused liberals of being the REAL cult, and then, as per wingnut custom, challenged all his haters to a debate.
Anyway, here he is going the full Patton over the controversy:
Fox is behind us, as they have been since the first day. Toughness is a rare quality in a TV network, and we’re grateful for that. Second, we’ve always apologized when we’re wrong, and we will continue to. That’s what decent people do. But we will never bow to the mob. Ever. No matter what.
“Actually, I’m a troop,” said the millionaire in a bow tie.
So Whomst Owned Whomst? Given that Tucker is reduced to a urine puddle any time someone dares to point out that he’s an entitled, racist asshole, it’s easy for me to say that Media Matters got one over on him and that he gets the L here. He deserves the L—God, he deserves so many Ls in this life—especially because he’s so determined to copy the Trump playbook and never EVER back down from anything. Most of the time, insisting you are not owned means you were indeed owned. In Carlson’s worldview, showing vulnerability is a weakness, and you deserve to be mocked for it. In a fair and just world, he deserves to be penniless and alone forever.
But listen, man: Carlson didn’t ascend to the top of Fox due to good karma. He’s a primetime fixture there specifically BECAUSE he’s willing to be unapologetically racist and angry. Carlson already says Fox has his back, because of course they do. He also knows that the Moron Industrial Complex will dutifully portray him as the victim in this story and offer him more support than he himself ever offered to the victims of Jeffs. He was just too darn busy making naughty jokes about them to give a shit. This whole thing will only help burnish Carlson’s good standing among terrible people.
Remember when Laura Ingraham and Sean Hannity also nearly got taken off the air? Yeah, well, they never were. Carlson knows this, and is content to let the inherent evils of this world protect and vindicate him. He may be getting shit on now, but he’ll still probably come out of this gainfully employed and grossly wealthy. In the long run, he shalt own you all, har har har.
I guess that means that, ugh, Media Matters will probably get owned eventually here. Carlson will gladly tell you that himself. After all, the only high-profile primetime host Fox has ever ousted was Bill O’Reilly. Tucker Carlson slid comfortably into O’Reilly’s slot and quickly proved that anyone at Fox can be replaced by someone just as grotesque. And what are the odds Carlson could ever possibly be rendered similarly expendable, hmm? I bet he asks himself that question every night.
