My Husband and I Took a Sexy Bath With a Jelly Bomb and HOO BOY
Let me get it outta the way: Baths can be gross. You’re marinating in a stagnant pool of your own body juices water and you're bored out of your gourd because what the fuck is there even to do in there? Masturbate? I mean, fine, but I don't want to go through the whole 20-minute ordeal of cleaning the tub, filling the tub, and then getting in the tub for three minutes in heaven. Especially not when my bed is made of a cloud, and it's dry and warm, and if I drop my Kindle or phone on it, I definitely won't die. I can't say the same for baths!
However, there are some exceptions to the bath rule: (1) Baths are dope as hell when you can take them in giant hotel suites in trash-ass cities like Vegas, and (2) baths are brought to a bomb-ass level when you can throw in a bath bomb and relax while it hisses and fizzes and fills the room with some sort of dreamy scent that's a cross between soap and your pinkest daydream. And when you combine the dope tub with the deliciousness of a bath bomb? GIRL. IT IS A SEXUAL RUB-A-DUB-DUB AND I LOVE IT.
So, when my editor asked if I wanted to take a ~sexy~ bath with my man while trying some new bath bombs, I was pretty much in in. Sure, water isn’t a lubricant, and my bathtub is small and dank, but I can make anything work when free bath bombs are involved! However, this was before I noticed that the bath bombs in question were Lush’s new jelly bath bombs. Yes, she wanted me to get freaky with my man in a bowl full of Jell-O (™), and I was both apprehensive and turned on. Game on!
First, have you seen those bath bombs? They look all normal, until you put them in water and they turn into something else altogether: essentially, a tub full of slime.
I mean, look at this. It looks like Slimer’s ejaculate:
ACK! Now, normally this would have been a HARD PASS from ol’ Krista. However, I have to admit in my advancing age that I’m much more of a “fuck it, let’s try!” girl. I don’t know, maybe that’s just growing up? And also, I don’t write this shit for free, and I need money to book my next Vegas tub!
With that in mind, I headed to Lush to buy the bomb. Unfortunately for busted ol’ America, our Lush USA stores don’t have the jelly bombs. We are not ready for that jelly, as a country. I was bummed and a little bit relieved, until the lady at the store said I could order them from the U.K. and the shipping wasn’t that expensive. Damn. So, I ordered a bunch of bath bombs and waited for them to arrive. It only took, like, a week and half, which is pretty impressive when you realize it takes, like, three weeks for my rent check to get to my landlord and he only lives next door. (That has nothing to do with me, I swear!!) (It has everything to do with me. I am ashamed and deserve to bathe in gelatin.)
When the bombs arrived, I showed my husband some videos of them, and he said absolutely not, but then I told him we could have sex afterward, and he said, “OK, fine, but tell Cosmo they're mean,” and I said, “No,” and then we turned on the tub's tap.
The bath bombs are currently available in three, uh, flavors, I guess you call them? (The Marmalade one was unavailable when I bought them.) I got two of each kind — The Big Sleep, which smells like chamomile and Tang, and I liked it; the Green Coconut, an island-scented fiesta; and Dark Arts, which is gray like soot and I think has something to do with Harry Potter? I don’t know, wizards like to fuck too, so judge not, lest ye be turned into a toad!
Now, on with the show.
The Location: Our bathroom, which had just been cleaned by a professional, because if fluids are going to be intermingling, and then possibly reentering my body, I want that shit to have been scrubbed down by someone who knows what they’re doing.
The Music: Bootylicious. Duh. Next question!
The Mood: As I said earlier, water isn’t a lubricant and baths are gross, so I guess you could say pessimistic?
The Act: Since we’re weirdos with a fetish for being gross, we decided to start with the Dark Arts and were prepared for the jelly to "spread over the surface of the water, softening skin as it goes."
Very tight! I was all in.
I started the hot water and we tossed one bath bomb in. It made the tub look like it was filled with the ashes of Studio 54. It was all grayness and glitter, but with a surprising pink center.
We both put our hands in to feel the jelly but to our surprise, there was very little actual jelly. Like, when the bomb was dissolving, there would be a little jelly around the outskirts of the epicenter, but then the jelly would quickly just melt into the water. So I put in another bomb, thinking maybe quantity was the answer, but alas, it was still just warm, pleasant-smelling water, with maybe a few little pockets of wobbly goodness.
Thinking maybe it was something that needed a minute to turn into magic — the dark arts! — we unrobed and squeezed into the tub together while we waited. And waited. And waited. The quivering Jell-O pit I envisioned never materialized.
It was not a sexy jelly bath, but rather a sexy regular bath, which, TBH, wasn’t all that sexy because apartment bathtubs are JUST NOT SEXY PLACES. Especially when the water you’re steeping in looks like a chimney sweep’s foot bath. THAT SAID, we did have a lovely time talking about life and our days, and that led to feelings of closeness, so we turned the bath into the shower and then did it there. JK, I’d never have sex in a shower, I don’t want to die, but we did shower and then had sex in a bed, like civilized normals.
So, it wasn’t sexy! But it was fun. The next night, though, we tried it again with some Big Sleep bath bombs. And it was exactly the same in terms of leaving my Jell-O pit dreams unrealized. (Although it did fill the tub with a much more beautiful color — it looked like the Earth from space with an eye at the center — see:
It was awesome, it just wasn’t jelly!
Other than that — it was super fun but not in super-sexual way. It was mostly splashing multicolored water at each other and making fart bubbles. It was kinda like being 5 but more fun because we didn't have to go to bed right after. (Although, to be honest, that wouldn't have been the worst, since baths make you hella sleepy, and your skin is all silky smooth and ready for relaxation!
The one thing I will say this little experiment taught me though is that having a sexy bath with my partner is actually hella fun and it doesn’t mean that you have to have sex in the tub! (Unless the thought of having your head half-underwater while it bangs against porcelain is an attractive prospect, and then GOD SPEED.) So, even if you can’t bathe in jelly together, you can still have a bath together and talk about your hopes and dreams, and then you can fuck in a bed, like Mother Gaia intended. Happy bathing!
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