We Told My Stepdaughter She’d Have to Wait a Few Years Before We Can Pay for Her Dream Wedding. Her Reaction Floored Us.

Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena, Kristin, and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

My husband and I always intended to help pay for my stepdaughter’s wedding. But right now we are in a financial crunch while paying for my son’s college and a remodel that has ballooned out of control. We suggested that if she wanted the wedding of her dreams, she would have to wait a few years so we could free up more funds or she could scale back her ambitions. We knew she would be disappointed but we were not expecting her to throw such a hissy fit!

She accused her father of favoring my son and being a horrible father to her. She called me vain and sanctimonious when I suggested she calm down and be reasonable. She has always been high-strung, but how she acted was so intentionally hurtful that I don’t know how we will come back from this fight. We helped her pay for her education and put a downpayment on her first home. Frankly, it is more than most people her age get. What do we do here? She is currently not speaking to either of us.

—Wedding Wants

Dear Wedding Wants,

It sounds like your stepdaughter, like many before her, has allowed the mythical power of a dream wedding to take over her formerly kind soul—causing her to unleash chaos upon everyone else.

I’m of the firm belief you shouldn’t reward a tantrum. Your husband should sit down with his daughter—if she’ll do that—and talk her through the numbers: She’s received X dollars from you since she turned 18, which was used to pay her college tuition, down payment, and whatever else. Now, it’s her brother’s turn. If you want to financially contribute to her wedding, tell her how much she can expect and when you’ll write the check.

If she chooses to cut off communication, make sure she knows the door is always open. Reach out regularly in a loving, friendly way, but don’t send her any more money. The price is already too high.

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Dear Pay Dirt,

Neither my husband (49) nor I (50) were raised with any financial literacy. We’ve done our best over our 30ish years together to learn what we could and change bad habits. Unfortunately, a few years into our marriage I became too ill to work, but was happy to be a stay-at-home parent. Now our kids are grown, two of them have boomeranged, but we’re happy to have them with us. The problem is, after a recent long period of unemployment during which my health deteriorated further, we now have more credit card debt than we ever have (we were very good about paying them off monthly or keeping a very low balance) and our savings have been completely depleted.

We’ve recovered from difficult financial positions before (2008 wiped us out), but now that he’s gainfully employed again he and I can’t agree on what our priorities should be. For instance, I feel like we should sell the Tesla we bought before we learned that Musk was a huge jerk to get out from under the payments and expensive insurance (we have two cars and I can’t drive right now) where he feels like we should be paying down our credit card with the lowest interest rate before we do anything else. Do you know of any good ways to learn real financial literacy at this point in our lives, or do you know of a service that would help us figure out how to climb out of the hole we’re in so we can get back on the path to buying a house? I think a big part of our problem is that we are feeling as opposed to knowing, or even taking an educated guess at, which direction is best.

—Old Dog Wants New Tricks

Dear Old Dog Wants New Tricks,

From where I sit, you’ve combined a lack of financial knowledge with some bad luck and hard times. That’s unfortunate. Don’t lose sight of one of your wins, though: Two of your kids like you enough to have moved home. Nice! Here’s the best advice I can give to someone in a deep hole: Stop digging. Start climbing.

Financial literacy boils down to one thing: Spend less than your take home pay. To do that, you have to understand the needs and wants of your life. You need transportation to work. You want a Tesla. There’s a world of difference between the cost of those two things. Whether you’re an Elon fan or not, owning a Tesla when you’re living paycheck to paycheck isn’t a smart move for your family. Keeping it now, when you’re not even driving, is doubling down on a bad deal. So, let it go. And the anxiety around paying for that car should start to dissipate. How else can you make room in your budget? Can you shop around for a new cell phone plan? Reduce or eliminate your cable bill? Stop eating out, or do it only once in a great while? Can your boomerang kids contribute to household expenses? Is there something you could do from home to earn extra cash? (SideHusl might be a good place to look for a gig or two.).

As for your credit card debt, there are two methods for paying it down quickly: avalanche and snowball. The avalanche method means you start throwing every dollar you have (after making your minimum monthly payments) at the debt carrying the highest interest rate. Once that’s paid off, you move to the debt with the second-highest interest rate. The snowball method means you pay off the smallest debt first, no matter what the interest rate is. Once that’s paid off, roll those funds into the next smallest debt, and so on. It sounds like your husband is a fan of the snowball method. That’s fine, but to make it work, you need to throw extra dollars at the debt to get it paid off so you can roll those payments toward the next, bigger debt.

If you want some help building a budget and making decisions around paying down debt, reach out to the National Foundation for Credit Counseling (call them toll-free at 800-388-2227). These credit counselors provide free financial counseling sessions and can direct you to free local home buying classes and resources (search here for down payment assistance options) for first-time buyers. Good luck, and I hope your health improves.

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Dear Pay Dirt,

Together, my partner and I make about $200,000/year. We have about $120,000 saved for a down payment. And, yet, we can’t afford a house in our area. The least-expensive (and crappiest fixer) two-bedroom/two-bath house is $900,000… which is about $190,000 for a 20 percent down payment and $6,000/month for mortgage and insurance (from what I’ve gathered via online mortgage calculators). We can’t afford that. We can’t move, either, mainly due to my kid (I don’t want to pull her away from everything/everyone they know AND there are shared custody issues). Our rent is $4,000/month (which is average in our area), and we’re able to afford that and live fairly comfortably. (I know it sounds like we’re in Beverly Hills, San Francisco, or NYC… but we’re not! We’re in a very modest suburb outside of Los Angeles) Running the numbers, it looks like $650,000 is the very most we can afford to pay for a house. Am I missing something? Do we just give up on owning a home?

—Housing Woes

Dear Housing Woes,

Owning a home is one of the ways Americans can build generational wealth. Count me as a fan (and a homeowner for the past 35 years). But there are other things that can be as or even more important than homeownership: living close to work, family, friends, cultural preferences, or your house of worship.

California is a very expensive place to live, especially around Los Angeles. Four years ago, when interest rates were around 3 percent, you’d have been able to afford to spend nearly one million dollars on a house with your income and down payment. With the 30-year interest rate at just over 7 percent (as I write this), your buying power has fallen dramatically as home prices have skyrocketed. Still, the online calculator I checked said you top out around $850,000, assuming your credit scores are over 760 and you don’t have any other debt. That’s pretty close to your cheapest house scenario. If you save another $60,000 and interest rates fall later this year, you might be able to snag something in that price range.

But is that really what you want? From where I sit, you’re waiting for kiddo to head off to college, which may be five or 10 short years away. In the meantime, you’re making the best of your lifestyle situation: You’re living comfortably and affordably, given your income. You’re choosing to keep your child in their community, close to friends and their other parent. And, you’re saving money in one of the most expensive areas of the country. Bravo! Once your kid launches, you can move wherever and buy whatever you can afford. Or, if you want to own some sort of real estate now, look into buying an investment property or vacation home.

Dear Pay Dirt,

My husband (31 M) and I (29 F) can’t seem to agree on a way to pay off our debt. Between buying a house in 2020, renovating the ENTIRE house in 2021, and getting married in 2023, we have about $20,000 in debt, which sits on our line of credit (this doesn’t include our mortgage of course). Our mortgage payments doubled this year (thanks inflation!) so we have less disposable income now, despite making a combined income of about $150,000/year (before taxes)

Now, I hate seeing this debt and would love to have tax-free savings that we could accumulate together. The problem is that my FIL has had great success with investing, and his motto is you need to accumulate some debt in order to generate wealth in the long run…this has worked for him for real estate, bonds, etc. So I feel like my husband sees the debt as “good.”

However, my husband and I essentially have $2,000 a month that we could be saving, but it usually goes to paying down our line of credit, which tends to fluctuate between $15,000-$20,000. Between using it to pay our mortgage, insurance, bills, and credit cards between our paychecks, I feel like the debt doesn’t really go down! I’m also frustrated because my husband is comfortable with this and thinks we’re doing “great” but I really wish we could be more aggressive in making payments/savings to help ourselves get ahead. We plan to start a family in the next few years and I am very concerned about saving money to supplement extra childcare costs, emergencies, lost income from parental leave, and some money for fun. I cringe thinking about adjusting to parenthood while being financially unprepared too. How do I even begin to make headway here? Is it OK to carry this debt on the line of credit and just try to throw money at it as we have been doing? Or is there a better saving strategy?

—Feeling Overwhelmed and Underpaid!

Dear Feeling Overwhelmed and Underpaid,

According to Bankrate, the average rate in May 2024 for a home equity line of credit (HELOC) is around 9 percent. That’s a pretty hefty premium to pay, especially if you earn enough income to pay it down, which it sounds like you do.

The bigger issue is why your husband is listening to his father instead of his spouse. No matter how much money his father made investing in real estate, times are different today. And, there are different kinds of debt. Carrying a $200,000 mortgage on an income-producing piece of investment property is a whole lot different than carrying a $20,000 HELOC because you choose to spend more than you make each month. The $20,000 you’re carrying is wasting more than $2,000 in interest each year, which could be more productively invested in a Roth IRA after your debt is paid off.

You and your husband need to find a way to talk about money. He needs to understand that carrying this kind of debt isn’t working for you intellectually or emotionally. You both need to agree on how you’ll move forward with planning for your near-term (having and raising kids) and long-term (retirement) financial future. Perhaps he imagines his father will leave him a large inheritance, so he doesn’t need to save today. That’s a nice idea, but nothing you can count on now. His father could live to be 100 and with the cost of caregiving, whatever nest egg he has built might be drained down quickly. Perhaps he thinks you aren’t willing to pitch in and cut back on your spending to make ends meet. So, put your cards on the table and tell him how you’re feeling and what you want to do. If he isn’t willing to meet you at least halfway, then you’ve got bigger problems than debt.

As for the money you’ve spent on your home, I’m guessing you’ve made a good investment. Hopefully, you bought a home that has appreciated in value beyond the investment—and is a lovely place to live. Your interest rate on the primary mortgage should be way below market. Try to keep it while throwing every spare cent toward paying off that $20,000 debt. Here’s another idea: If you aren’t already paying the bills and managing your family’s finances, offer to take that on until the debt is paid off. I’m betting you’ll find more ways to tighten your belt and get that debt paid off even faster.

—Ilyce

Having never lived on her own, our daughter recently announced that she is moving out. That is her choice, but she is taking an odd approach. She has asked us to essentially cut her off, leaving her to sink or swim even if she later wants help. She is planning to rent a motel room near her job, but has made a point of getting a decent sleeping bag and tent in case she ends up homeless.