Today’s the Perfect Day to Break Up With Your Boyfriend!!!
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Of all the days to dump someone, Valentine’s Day is admittedly among the worst. But you know what’s even worse than breaking up on Valentine’s Day? Spending Valentine’s Day with someone who sucks. So if you’re wondering whether it’s okay to break up with your partner on a day dedicated to love, the short answer is yes. (The long answer is also yes, but I hold your hand and tell you it’s going to be okay.)
First, let’s figure out if a Valentine’s Day dumping is right for you. One key sign that you should break up with your significant other is googling things like “Should I break up with my significant other?” May seem obvious, but sometimes you need someone to point out that the obvious is, in fact, very obvious. However, if you’re looking for more personalized insight, you can tell me what they did, and I’ll decide right now if that merits a dumping. Go ahead, I’m listening. Hmm. Okay. Wow. Are you serious? Twice?? Yeah, you should dump him.
Perhaps you’ve known this for a while but have been waiting for the perfect time to broach the subject. Maybe you’d already established joint holiday plans and figured it’d be easier to just push through. Then it was New Year’s and you worried it’d be a little too on-the-nose to break up at a time of new beginnings. Now Valentine’s Day is here and you’re asking yourself if it’s particularly cruel and unusual to break up at a time like this. As evidenced by the hypothetical excuses listed above, there is no perfect time to break up with someone. And what are you going to do? Keep waiting and break up with them on Earth Day? You monster!
If it helps, there are so many worse times and ways to break up with someone: On their birthday; at their high school reunion; on live television; burning them alive in a bear suit; a flash mob. In fact, the Tuesday before Valentine’s Day is supposedly a particularly popular day for breakups, so much so that it is sometimes called Red Tuesday. I promise you are not the first person to break up with someone on Valentine’s Day, and you will not be the last.
In many ways, a Valentine’s Day dumping is quite considerate. Not only does it take the pressure off of performative romance, it also indefinitely lowers the bar for all future Valentine’s Days. Truly a gift that keeps on giving! Plus, it’s notably better than early celebrations of Valentine’s Day, which are said to have involved men stripping naked and sacrificing a goat. According to National Geographic, those men would then slap women with goat hides to promote fertility. Naturally, this has evolved into men giving women gaudy heart-shaped jewelry and a greeting card they panic-bought the night before—the emotional equivalent of being spanked with goat hide.
As for how to actually do the breaking up, it’s best done in person. This is a non-negotiable. No dumping via text, no Zoom meetings cryptically dubbed “Relationship Performance Review.” You cannot remotely call-in to a breakup conversation. It’s also best to lead with kindness. For example, if he’s a finance bro, do it in a language he will understand. (e.g., “I’m pivoting to being single.”) Send him with a parting gift, like one of these breakup teddy bears Walmart is inexplicably selling or a bowl of conversation hearts that all say “get real.” And nothing soothes a broken heart like chocolate. Simply leave your ex with a box that’s only the weird chocolate with fruit chunks left. They’ll get the message.
As for your own Valentine’s Day plans, you’re now free to celebrate as you please, babe! Enjoy Miley Cyrus’s “Flowers” in a new way. Think about how luxurious it would be to drink wine in the bath, and ultimately decide that’s too much work and drink wine while scrolling through TikTok instead. Go to the movie theater and re-watch everyone’s new favorite romantic comedy, M3GAN. As Nicole Kidman famously said, heartbreak feels good in a place like that. If all else fails, treat the day like any other and look forward to all the discounted candy you can buy on February 15.
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