It’s Time to Normalize Men Raising the Kids

Kayla Nicole Jones’ family’s decision to have the children live with their father shouldn’t be considered controversial.

In June, internet star Kayla Nicole Jones announced her divorce from husband Luhkye. She shared the news in a since deleted post, writing, “[R]eally don’t know how else to announce but I owe y’all the update because my marriage was public. That’s all. Moving on now. Ttyl or not.” She continued, clarifying, “[N]o it wasn’t the kids. They happily live with their father since our separation.”

In another comment, she further explained that her ex-husband, who is also the father of her two children, wanted the kids but she still sees them. When a commenter asked about whether her ex had full custody, she said “[N]o we share. He just wanted to have them so I could focus and heal.”

She has since received severe backlash, with many questioning her choice to leave her kids in the care of their father, despite her specifying that she’s trying to heal.

The criticism indicates the burden placed on women to constantly be okay and perform duties within their traditional societal role. Moms are expected to take the kids after a divorce or separation. When they deviate from that expectation, no matter how warranted, the collective mindset remains firmly set on the mother being wrong.

"Why aren’t mothers allowed to accept the support they need?"

It raises questions as to why the general outlook is that dads can’t or shouldn’t raise their own children. Why aren’t mothers allowed to accept the support they need?

Unfortunately, many parents—especially mothers—don’t get true help, especially during difficult times of healing. This contributes to how many mothers suffer in silence. When a mother like Kayla bravely acknowledges that she’s struggling or that she wants to pursue a career, she should always have the option to step to step back, especially if the children’s father is able to step in. Mothers have been conditioned to be able to carry their children alone no matter what.

According to Pew Research Center, the U.S. has the world's highest rate of children living in single-parent households. Almost a quarter (23 percent) of U.S. children under 18 years old live with one parent and no other adult. Of those households, a staggering 80 percent are headed by a mom. This reveals that an overwhelmingly imbalanced proportion of mothers maintain primary responsibility for their children.

The persistent myth of the “caregiving gene” that women possess is partly to blame for this phenomenon. Women carry babies for nine months. Women give birth. Women breastfeed. So it’s assumed that women must have an exclusive gene that gives them particular abilities to care for children.

This supposed biological instinct is false and unproven. In fact, a 2015 research paper couldn’t discern any difference between male and female brains, meaning stereotypically female qualities (such as compassion and empathy) are not biologically more developed in a woman's brain. Research also shows that expectant fathers have similar thoughts and feelings to expectant mothers, meaning being pregnant doesn’t necessarily correlate to a “special bond” with children.

Essentially, there’s no innate skill or unique chemical that should default women to primary caregiver. Yet women are expected to take care of others. It’s not just their children, either–women are expected to care for their husbands and elderly family members, too. Care for others is framed as intrinsically feminine, centered on the idea of goodness, morality and self‐sacrifice at our own expense.

Despite there being no biological evidence that women are better suited to be parents, courts still often decide that a mother's custody is in the child's best interest. According to reports, custodial parents have become more likely to be fathers over the past 24 years, increasing from 16% in 1994 to 20.1% in 2018. Even with this growth, mothers still account for 4 of every 5 custodial parents. This decision-making process creates more single mothers who are given no recourse in raising their children while fathers are given the option to live child-free. This further promotes the thought that parenting is exclusively a woman’s duty.

There are less societal pressures that fathers face, largely because of the gender-biased culture that doesn't value childrearing fathers. This is compounded by a culture that promotes the “dumb dad” trope. Films, for example, have a tendency to caricature dads as inept and bewildered while mothers perform their motherly duties on autopilot. Again, the maternal instinct myth is imposed while minimizing the function of men in the home.

"If [a mother's] life doesn’t revolve around their children full-time, they’re vilified."

For centuries, the image of women as stay-at-home moms has been sold as a concept that forms the sacredness of family life. Social thinking is skewed towards women being hard-wired for tending to others while men are geared towards providing financially. Furthermore, it’s assumed that children need their mothers more than their fathers. Though this is an outdated sentiment, it still impacts how mothers are perceived. If their life doesn’t revolve around their children full-time, they’re vilified.

Celebrated philosophers such as Aristotle promoted their ideas of women's inferiority and determined each gender's role in society. To them, the female mind and body were designed by nature solely for procreation and nurturing. Though based on observations relevant to their time, the lingering impact of their theories are evident. These stereotypes are also fixtures in Christian concepts of womanhood.

A woman’s value goes beyond the home and building a family. Even when a woman does decide to become a mother, she shouldn’t be expected to sacrifice herself or her mental health in the name of maternal morals and love. As with everything, there should be balance. As long as the children are loved, protected, and taken care of, then it shouldn’t matter whether they are with mom or dad. Kayla Nicole Jones is challenging tradition while evidencing that motherhood looks different for everyone. She knows what’s best for her children and she knows what’s best for her.

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Read the original article on Parents.