How to Thrive Through the 5 Stages of Breaking Up
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Ending a romantic relationship, whether short-term or long-term, can be a withering and life-draining experience. If you've been with your partner long enough to have built a home and a family together, their absence can feel, quite literally, like a missing limb. There's a kind of fusion that happens in love relationships that makes the severing of the unit excruciatingly painful.
You wake up to an emptiness on one side of your bed; a wonderful thing happens and you can't share it with them; a bad day at work can no longer be broken down with the person you thought would always have your back. The devastation can be as grave as losing a loved one to death, according to Jill Weber, PhD, a psychologist and author of Breaking Up & Divorce. "It's not the same as a death, but our brains have to kind of go through a similar process that's very healthy," she says.
Weber, in fact, says the five stages of breaking up with someone are akin to the five stages of grief, formulated by psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, we experience when someone we love passes away.
Here she identifies each and how we can successfully manage—even thrive—through each phase of heartbreak.
Stage 1: Deep denial.
In this stage, you're so bereft and gobsmacked, you're in total disbelief. "You're blaming the other person, thinking, They're not getting it. What's wrong with them? I'm going to keep calling. I'm going to make them see they need to get therapy. All that kind of kicking the can down the road," Weber explains. While she emphasizes that it's essential to honor and allow yourself to go through each phase, she thinks that we need to pause and suss out the whys undergirding the demise of our relationship: "If somebody ended the relationship with you, or you've ended it, that means something needs to be really looked at and taken seriously." Probing that a little will help spotlight what you can learn from the experience.
Stage 2: Full fury.
"Anger often comes after denial wanes," Weber says, and a sense of unfairness takes root. "How did this happen to me? You can feel like you're a victim. Maybe you are a victim," she says. You're starting to get (inflamed) clarity on your relationship, your ex, and yourself. You might be hurling harsh judgments at your former flame or at yourself. "For many, it can devolve into blaming. You can really get stuck in that, ruminating and obsessing about how your ex wronged you." To prevent this outcome, Weber suggests speaking with friends and family who can provide a clearer, more measured understanding of the situation.
Stage 3: Bad bargain.
Bargaining is a coping mechanism whereby we attempt to "undo the grief," Weber says. In this stage, we typically think of activities or tasks that will ease the pain—or even help us reunite with the lost loved one. "We might start saying, ''Hey, maybe if I say this to him, he'll see how I really am,' or, 'Oh, I never explained why I did X, so I'm going to go back and do that,' or 'I'm gonna write a letter,' or 'I'm gonna get a gift.'"
Stage 4: Depression and grief.
When the bargaining fails, Weber explains, that's when depression and hopelessness set in. "A lot of people feel, I have nothing. I am nothing without my partner. My life has no meaning," In this chapter of grieving, Weber recommends reaching out to a therapist for support and help processing the past. Another way to thrive through the bargaining stage is to treat ourselves to the kindness and understanding we're inclined to bestow on our old paramour.
Stage 5: Radical acceptance.
"The final stage for most if you healthfully go through this process is acceptance," says Weber. You're no longer obsessing over the loss or trying to unknot what went wrong or how you can regain your ex's love. "And there's a real bonus to this stage," Weber explains. "You begin to find new meaning, new passions, and new activities," she says, including enhanced self-awareness.
Substantial self-growth can result from a romantic union's end, Weber promises, if you move through your grief with the goal of greater self-understanding.
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