Three Black Dommes On BDSM, Intersectionality, And Their Favorite Sex Toys
Note: This post includes topics of sexual assault.
For Black History Month (and beyond), we wanted to shed a little light on a niche community of professional sex workers: Black women in BDSM. BDSM — which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism — is a widely misunderstood practice and community that has been around for decades, if not centuries. Its practice and close-knit community is grounded in foundations of consent and communication, which contrasts many popularized versions of BDSM and kink in the media.
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Many people hear "BDSM" or "kink" and immediately think "taboo." And it doesn't help that media references, such as the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy, Rihanna's "S&M," and even The Secretary offer provocative, and sometimes misinformed versions of the community — lots of whips, chains, blindfolds, white men in control, women submissives, and lack of communication, if you catch my drift.
Recently, shows like Bondage on Netflix have helped subvert those harmful stereotypes by showcasing the reality of professional dominants as sex work, the diversity of the kink community, and — in Season 2 — giving the people a whole lotta Black domme excellence.
We talked to three Black professional dominatrixes — Venus Cuffs, Supreme Coyote, and Madame Namio — about their experiences in BDSM and kink communities and how their identities affected those spaces, what the future of kink looks like, and, of course, their favorite sex toys.
Venus Cuffs (she/her, pictured left) is a former pro-dominatrix-turned-nightlife mogul, and is known in New York City for curating and executing lavish events and parties for the kink community that celebrate BDSM, kink, body-positivity, and sex positivity. She was a jack-of-all trades in BDSM and is currently a BDSM consultant and lifestyle domme. You can see what she's up to on Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok (@venuscuffs) and keep up on upcoming events on Instagram (@venuscuffsevents).
Supreme Coyote (they/them) is a two-spirit, asexual, professional dominatrix, and they are a jack-of-all trades in the industry, popular for classic and hands-on BDSM play. You can find them on Twitter (@eloncuck_).
Madame Namio (she/her, pictured right) is a former pro-dominatrix, licensed esthetician, and comedian. In her domming days, she was known for cock and ball torture and extreme humiliation. Follow her on Instagram and TikTok (@lisaspliffson), and check out her website.
First up, Venus Cuffs, BDSM consultant and lifestyle domme who has been on the NYC kink scene for years.
On what happened when she first started exploring the kink scene: "When I first came into the BDSM community, I would go to a lot of parties and literally be ignored. It was very white, especially when I started. If you were Black, you were kind of an addition to the party — I would have people following me around calling me 'goddess,' 'mocha,' 'chocolate,' whatever."
"Another thing that happens to Black kinksters is they assume we're all submissive. As you can imagine, that's very reflective of real-world politics, power exchange, and power dynamics. They don't think Black people actually have power in the real world, so in BDSM, they assume you're submissive, and if we do think we're powerful — for a lot of people who aren't Black — [they think] this person is clearly just role-playing power or being powerful.
"I think when Black people enter the scene, they can be met by a lot of different communities. There are extremely harmful Black kinky communities, there are racist sections of kink, there are things that try to be normalized that really only work in white sections of kink, such as race-play. So, when you're coming into a scene and general culture that accepts things like that, as a Black person, how are you supposed to feel safe? There's no way to do that except going off and creating your own."
On how her Blackness intersects with her identity as a dominant: "Because I'm one of the most visible Black people in BDSM right now, I get a lot of everything. I've faced a lot of racism, for sure, but I've also gotten a lot of love. I think my experience is going to be different from a lot of Black people in the community because I'm so public-facing, that a lot of what I've experienced in kink is shaped by that."
"When I was my heaviest weight, I was not treated nicely by people in the scene. It was constant. 'Are you attractive enough to be representing a brand?' 'Are you conventionally attractive enough to throw a party?' When I lost a lot of weight, I became more palatable, and I see it.
"I'm the Black person in the scene that's a little more palatable, so I'm treated a little better, but there's still racism that exists in the scene.
"When we're talking about the experience of Black people in kink, it's very much: 'Are you conventionally pretty, are you skinny, are you white, are you rich?' All of those things come into play. Fifty Shades of Grey is the best example I can use of what people think acceptable kink is: You have to be rich, skinny, and white. And if you don't fit into that, you're not really welcome, so that's where all these sub-cultures come from where you have people that will only attend parties for Black people, or queer people only attending parties for queer people.
"My personal experience in BDSM has literally been all of that, and I didn't want that. I felt like I was trying to fit in where I would never fit in, and it was a waste of my own time. So, I started hosting my own parties. I've built an amazing community of primarily queer people, but people of all races, all gender identities, all sexual orientations, because we needed a space where we could exist without worrying who's rich or who knows who — that's not sexy. When you go into a space and you can just be yourself, that's sexy."
On curating events and creating safe spaces in the kink community: "I'm visible, but also, I'm not the conventional standard of what everyone else wants BDSM to be. When people come into these spaces, they want to walk into a dark dungeon, they want the avant-garde, the masks, the secret society. It's like no, just come into the space and adhere to the consent rules. So many people come in thinking, 'Hey, the first person I see, I can just touch them because we're at a sex party, so what's the big deal?' You can't do that. [They have] no concept of needing permission to touch someone or that you need permission to perform each act with them."
"There's a weird mindset from some people that they can come in and do whatever they want.
"There is a truth to [secrecy in kink] because we have to protect ourselves legally. But also, people come into the space and disrespect the space, not taking the time to learn what these spaces are curated for. And they come in and actually hurt people. There's a lot of vetting, talking to people, making people feel welcome, and also letting them know that whatever bullshit they thought they could bring in, they can't.
"Where I was going with that: When it's time for me to put my foot down and make sure people know the rules, that's when I get the pushback, and I'm reminded constantly that I'm Black. That's when I'm reminded, 'You can't tell me what to do because I have more power than you in the world.' That's the wall that a lot of Black kinksters face: We can put rules in place, but because our power and authority is constantly questioned, none of it matters.
"One of the misunderstandings that happens, is people don't understand how the experiences of Black people — specifically Black women — in kink are constantly at an intersection with the rest of the community and how that can be some of the most harmful things we experience, and it turns people off from kink. There's already an idea that kink is white people shit to begin with, like we don't have space to be in this community and explore our sexuality without being judged. And once we're in these spaces, we can be treated like that by other people in the community. So, sometimes it feels like there's not real space for Black people to exist in."
On her hopes for the future of BDSM and kink: "I actually would like to see BDSM go back underground. I'm very happy that it's more visible and not in a horrible way. I really love that people are exploring their kinks and getting to learn their kinks and really getting what they enjoy, so that part doesn't need to go back underground. For the future of kink, I'd love to see more authenticity."
"I am very happy that more people are finding community and finding out who they are, they're enjoying it with their partners and in their marriages. So, I'm very happy about that. I want to see more of that, I want to see more people exploring without the shame. However, I'd really like to see those same people take more time to learn what all this is about and really make consent the foundation of what they're doing."
Venus Cuffs's Favorite Sex Toys:
1. The Bender vibrator from Unbound, which she loves because according to her, "It's bendy, the material feels like real skin, it has a bunch of different settings."
She also just loves Unbound in general and says, "They've always had my back." About the Bender, she said: "It's simple and straight to the point. It's portable, not bulky. I sometimes put it right in my purse. Sometimes, I have back pain, and it's long enough and not heavy, so I can to actually use it when I'm in pain."
Get the Bender from Unbound for $71 or Amazon for $69 (available in mint and coral).
2. Wooden paddles or wooden canes, since impact play is her favorite. "They deliver the most impact in my opinion," she said. "They can also, especially the longer ones, be a bit thuddy."
"Some impact toys are really stingy; for instance, a dragon-tail whip or single-tail," she said. "But the wooden paddles that are thicker and look more like charcuterie boards, those are pretty thuddy, and I really like those. Also, really thick wooden canes deliver the same kind of blow."
Get the paddle from Red Back Porch on Etsy for $50 and the cane from BDSM Ammunition on Etsy for $30.30.
3. Massage candles — especially Lelo's body-safe massage candles — are her favorite for temperature play. "It feels really good to get the temperature play going and also have the massage element added to it," she said. "It's sexy, great foreplay or aftercare...and it feels really, really good."
Lelo's massage candles are available in three scents: Vanilla & Crème De Cacao, Snow Pear & Cedarwood, and Black Pepper & Pomegranate. They are created with a moisturizing blend of soy wax, shea butter, and apricot kernel oil. Wax should be poured from a distance during play and only after the candle has been put out.
Get it from Lelo for $34.90 or Amazon for $29.90 (available in three scents).
Next, Supreme Coyote, who's been in the professional dominatrix business for five years so far, and works to destigmatize and celebrate Black sex workers as they do it.
On how they first got into BDSM: "When I got into the industry, I actually had no idea what was goin' on. I just had a very wealthy white man who wanted to set up some sort of arrangement with me. The catch was he wanted me to be mean to him. And I was like, but what does that mean? What do you mean 'be mean to you.' I'm not really picking up on that. And he was like, no, I want you to tell me what to do. I was like, ok, I think I can do that. And then, the next thing you know, he's at my apartment asking to pay reparations because he's white and asking to be waterboarded in my bathtub."
"That was my very first BDSM session. I've been in all different types of fields of sex work, whether it be an exotic dancer, I've dabbled in escorting, but I never got into it, but where I found my sweet spot was definitely in BDSM. And being in this industry and making a name for yourself, building clientele, and as a Black dominatrix, we really do tend to have a lot of white men that want to be humiliated for being white, and it's the weirdest phenomenon, but it's a very lucrative business when it comes to professional BDSM services.
"I've been a professional dominatrix for about five years now. So, I have quite a bit of knowledge and background when it comes to sex toys because that's kinda my whole thing. In my line of work or how I conduct my work, I don't do penetrative sex, like skin-to-skin, if that makes sense. So, if I'm going to do anything with a sub, it's going to be with toys. I get real creative with it."
On being Black and queer in BDSM and sex work: "As you know, just as a Black queer person, it's very hard to get into any kind of workforce industry and feel any kind of empowerment or labor body autonomy. When you get into sex work and the BDSM scene, the thing that I love about BDSM is that it's all about body and labor autonomy."
"Which is huge for people who identify as Black and people who identify as queer, where we don't really get that in the conventional or orthodox workforce. Being a Black dominatrix to me allows me to be my most authentic self. I get to be whoever I want to be, and I can revel in my Blackness and get paid for it, be appreciated, be celebrated for it. There's just something about melanin and latex, it just does it for me."
On their hopes for the future of Blackness in kink, sex work, and BDSM: "I have a huge soapbox when it comes to this because I'm very much an advocate for destigmatizing and decriminalizing sex work as a whole, especially when it comes to the stigma of pro-BDSM service members. My dream, especially for Black sex workers, in this year of 2023 and moving forward would be just seeing us flourish and prosper this year."
"I would also love for people to understand that just because we are Black sex workers, we are also deserving to be treated with the same respect as white sex workers. There's really no difference between us except the color of our skin and our cultural backgrounds. But that doesn't mean that just because I'm Black or brown, that I should lower my rates or I should be more generous with my time and energy."
Supreme Coyote's Favorite Sex Toys:
1. The Electroshock by Shots E-stimulation cock ring, because they really love electro play. "It has a little remote connected to the ring where you can fine tune the frequency of the shock or the intensity of it," they said.
"And what I love to do with this is, I love to play a game of high-stakes trivia or jeopardy, and if my subs get the question wrong, they get zapped," they said. "It's one of my top-selling sessions. I'm very much a sadist, so I just love shocking people."
Get the ElectroShock Vibrating Cock Ring from Pink Cherry for $48.97 (originally $69.95) or Amazon for $62.48.
2. The Desire Luxury Rechargeable Remote Control Vibrating Strap-On by Lovehoney, because it's versatile, easy to use, and easy to clean, even though they think the harness could be improved. "But you can customize the harness or switch it out," they said. "I do love the different features that this vibrating strap-on kit has. You can change the frequencies, the vibrations, and it's waterproof, so that's good."
"I love being able to give pleasure to my subs because it does vibrate, so it makes it fun for everyone involved."
Get it from Lovehoney for $109.99.
3. Chastity devices, but especially a chastity cage for penis owners. It's Coyote's professional opinion that male submissives aren't entitled to ejaculation. "I think it is a privilege, and I think it is a privilege that has to be earned," they said. "So, if you're not using it, you're gonna lock it up."
And because they are such a fan, here are Coyote's reasons for chastity play: "They're very fun and very easy to use. So, thankfully, with those types of devices, they do come with two sets of keys, just for that fail-safe in case, say the dominatrix or sub loses a key, there should always be a spare key. Because the alternative to that is you go to a locksmith or you go to the ER. I honestly can't tell you how many subs have lost their keys, and I'm just like, well you better find it because I'm not going to mail it out to you, and I don't think you want to go to the locksmith or the ER. That in itself is its own humiliation session.
"I think the chastity device is really good when it comes to teaching penis-bearing subs — because we're gender-inclusive here — about discipline. I think the problem is, especially with people who own penises, is that their hormones can get out of control, and it causes them not to think straight. I do believe that celibacy is a good route when it comes to clearing your head and making clear-headed decisions. So, I teach discipline and celibacy.
"Also, there's a big thing about consent, too. If I as the domme say, I want you to be in chastity for so-and-so time, you have to respect that because if you don't respect that, it's breaking a boundary and not respecting my consent. It's a hard lesson, but I do think all my chastity subs do respect me for that."
Get the Electric Eel Blue Line Deluxe Steel Chastity Cage from Pink Cherry for $41.97+ (originally $59.95 and also available in black) or Amazon for $39.20.
And Madame Namio, a former dominatrix, licensed esthetician, and sex-positive internet meme queen.
On how she entered the BDSM and kink scene: "I learned about kink and BDSM initially when I was in college. Unfortunately, the second month of college, I was raped in a frat house, and I buried that. All the memories came back in my junior year, and I actually ended up reporting my rapist to the university. It was absolute fucking hell. I lost a lot of friends. I was ostracized and attacked because I publicly denounced him. It was a huge thing. And after that, I just felt completely defeated and alone and ugly, and fucking horrible, and I wanted to do an art project to help me heal. I was thinking, what's a powerful, beautiful, strong woman? What's that look like? And that's how I came across dominatrixes online, and I was so intrigued by that."
"The first time I did this photo project, Reclamation, I dressed up as a dominatrix, and then, I dommed frat guys in front of the frat house where I was raped. I can't even explain it, when I was standing there, in the same place where I had been completely ripped apart as a person, and I felt so powerful, and so beautiful and strong. I just felt like I could do anything, and I didn't know any feeling like that could be possible. Then I graduated, and wanted to learn more about what this is, and that's when I really started to learn and do my research.
"And that's the thing, there's no handbook for this shit. When you start out in sex work, you're really on your own. You have to figure things out, teach yourself, research yourself. ... That's why whenever anyone ever thinks about getting into sex work and they ask me, what should I do? You should hire a sex worker for tips! I wish I would have done that! I would have saved myself a lot of time and energy. But there are a lot of sex workers now who offer their knowledge for a price, and you should pay it because it's valuable. Kink and BDSM have always had real healing properties for me, and it'll always have a close place in my heart."
On how her Black identity intersects with her work in BDSM: "When I was a domme, I did center it around my identity a bunch. I liked to call myself a 'reprogrammer' where, if I was dealing with a client who was white and we were doing extreme humiliation sessions or any kind of goddess worship session, where my body would be worshipped, or I would be worshipped, waited on hand and foot. I would always remind them, 'You are serving a Black goddess, and this is a gift. This is a gift that you are being given, and you should not fuck it up.'"
"Unfortunately, racism kinda permeates everything. It's not easy when you're Black, especially when you're not Black and thin. Also, there are some things that I didn't necessarily have to deal with due to colorism. There are things that dark-skinned dommes have to deal with or go through, and that incudes people haggling you over prices. Or, the second you tell them something they don't like, especially online, they react with calling you the n-word or calling you this. Like, really? You're really resorting to that because you're broke, because you don't want to pay my rate? That's really fucking pathetic.
"I always centered who I was around my practice, because the whole reason I ended up getting into fetish work was from a place of healing for me. I was doing sex work for awhile — and I didn't even realize it was sex work, it was just from a survival standpoint — because I ran away from home at 17, I was alone, I didn't have anyone helping me really, so you resort to what you have to do to survive. But getting into kink and BDSM was different for me."
On finding community in kink: "There was a lot of community I found with other Black dommes and how we do our practice. The misconception is that you only deal with white clients that want to be humiliated or have specific fetishes, and that is not true. I took care of everybody. There's this misconception that Black people don't want to be submissive, and the thing is that we're going to do it in a different way."
"I don't like using 'master' or 'slave' especially if I'm working with a submissive who is Black because that doesn't sit right with me or with them. But Black submissives do exist. And Black kink is real. Just the way that the scene looks so white-washed, doesn't mean that it is. Black people do practice BDSM, Black people can be submissive, can be a switch, can be dominant. You can actually end up gaining a lot of power and self-love for who you are when you practice those things the way that they're meant to be practiced, by following the foundations of BDSM which is consent and communication.
"If you don't have those two things, then it is not BDSM and can become abuse quite easily. It's really exciting to see more Black people get interested — because kink has always been Black — because we're told this isn't our thing, and why would we be interested in floggers and chains? [Kink] is kinda seen as an anti-Black thing, but no, it's a tool. It all goes back to this whole misconception of what BDSM is — like yes, some of the tools we use may look similar, but they're not being used in the same way at all because there's always communication and consent between parties."
On the future of Blackness in BDSM: "My hopes are that things switch around, and Black dommes are paid top dollar every time. Also, that the Black community starts to recognize that kink is a part of our history, too. Some of the people that brought kink to where it is today and taught the basics of BDSM — they were Black. Black people have always been a part of this culture and are a vital part of this culture flourishing. BDSM is Black. It is a part of Blackness. It is something to be respected and celebrated."
"I look forward to the future of BDSM and sex work being told through the perspectives of the people that actually make it happen, and not voyeurs who want to look into our community and use it as an aesthetic, but do nothing when our rights are stripped away from us. We would be nowhere without full-service sex workers; they created this culture. The language we use in our culture and everyday life, sex workers created that. When you say 'dick appointment' — come on! if you're going to be so enamored by our culture, which you will always be because it's a beautiful culture that's rich with history and power, you need to uplift and respect the people that make not only this culture, but the world what it is. And part of that also means honoring Black sex workers as well."
Madame Namio's Favorite Sex Toys:
1. The Big Boss vibrating dildo by Fun Factory because it's huge. "I call mine 'Thanos' because if Thanos from The Avengers had a dick, that's what it would look like," she said. "I love it because it's really, really good for self-pleasure because the handle is easy to use, but it's also really good for using on other people."
"If things get wet, it works. It has different settings, and it's also great for — yes penetratively, it feels great because it's girthy and the shaft is flexible — external pleasure, like sensory play. One of my favorite things to do in my practice (and also just on myself at home) is anytime I'm doing sensory play, playing with temperature, nipple play, etc. You can use it for almost all of those things, not so much the temperature play, but everything else."
Get it from Fun Factory for $139.99 (only in purple) or Amazon for $119.46+ (available in four colors).
2. Dame's iconic Eva couple's vibrator. "I love this mainly because I like to put it on and wear it while I'm playing video games," she said. "Sometimes, if I'm playing a really difficult boss — like, I had to beat this one boss in this game Wolfenstein — and oh my god, beating the boss and coming? It was wild. ... It was wild."
@dameproducts / Via instagram.com, Negesti Kaudo / BuzzFeed
"But I love that one because you really don't have to move it around. You place it, and it sits perfectly under your labia majora. ... It really is hands-free. I have yet to try it with a partner, but for solo play and hanging out by yourself, I love that one."
Get it from Dame for $135 (available in ice and papaya) or Amazon for $123.25+ (available in four colors).
3. Nipple clamps, in all shapes and sizes. "I think people neglect their nipples a lot, and it's really unfortunate because there's a lot of nerve endings there," she said. No matter your gender, "nipples are awesome. These cute red clamps that have a heart on them, they're really cute, and they stay ON."
She also likes to use Unbound's nipple and clit clamp: "They stay on very well. I love that it's adjustable, and you can adjust the amount of pressure, which is always a good sign of a nipple clamp."
Get the Master Series Heart Padlock Nipple Clamps from Shop Enby for $22.97 or Amazon for $15.31 and the Nipple-to-Clit Clamp from Unbound or Amazon for $35.
4. Unbound's Shimmy vibrating butt plug, which she finds is a great fit. "It's [also] completely waterproof. So, I like to use this when I'm taking a bath," she said. "It's pretty snug, and I find that it's pretty easy to use."
"Some people will look at it and think it looks pretty big, but it looks big, but it feels quite nice. And it has a proper stop on it, which is really important because you do not want to put anything that does not have a flared bottom or some kind of stopper in it up your butt because then it just goes up there and you have to go to the hospital."
And as an honorable mention, the Njoy wand, which is made out of stainless steel and a great option for temperature play. "You just have to be careful because it's heavy," she said. "It's got a really good weight to it, which is good for anchoring yourself during solo play. If you stick it in the refrigerator for a while, it works very nicely."
That being said: Pay sex workers, pay Black sex workers, pay queer sex workers, follow the rules of consent in kinky spaces, pay for your porn, and tip gratuitously.
A24
The quotes for this post have been edited for length and clarity.
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