Can ‘therapy speak’ be weaponized in relationships?

As an avid fan of therapy, I am very familiar with “therapy speak” — terms often used by a therapist that you proceed to apply to your own life. Do I use them in my everyday vernacular? No, I’m not a psychology textbook! But do I pull them out when needed? Sure!

Because, as with most buzzwords, I feel like when used too often, therapy speak becomes meaningless and misconstrued. What does gaslighting really mean, for example, when you’re constantly labelling behavior as gaslighting that isn’t actually gaslighting?

A prime and recent example: actor Jonah Hill. Earlier this month, Hill’s ex-girlfriend (semi-professional surfer Sarah Brady) shared what she said were multiple screenshots of texts from the actor on her Instagram. A subsequent internet debate ensued.

In the alleged texts, Hill uses therapy speak in a way that made the internet pause (and for some, take up arms). For example, in one text from 2021, Hill lays out his “boundaries” for Brady: no surfing with men or “boundaryless inappropriate friendships with men,” no modeling or posting pictures of herself in a bathing suit and no “friendships with women who are in unstable places” “beyond getting a lunch or coffee or something respectful,” among others.

“These are my boundaries for romantic partnership,” Hill continued. “My boundaries with you based on the ways these actions have hurt our trust.”

Later, Hill explained that if his boundaries were “disrespected,” “That would be hurtful and triggering to me.”

The internet seemingly exploded with questions and opinions. Did Brady cross boundaries by posting Hill’s texts? Did Hill cross boundaries by stating his own, perhaps unrealistic, boundaries? Did he weaponize therapy speak in his relationship, using it to control or create unrealistic expectations for his then-girlfriend? Or were his boundaries completely reasonable?

The public is divided. In one tweet, sex and relationship coach Chris Alvino said: “Too many men are defending Jonah Hill specifically bc they do not know how to handle their need for control over a partner, nor do they know how to handle the emotions that come up when dealing with their insecurities.”

Another tweet defends Hill, saying, “the Jonah Hill texts are totally normal. He is being calm and respectful. Women would not be attacking the situation if it were HER requesting him to not do these things. Hold the same energy for men who want to be respected in their relationships.”

Hill’s alleged misuse of therapy speak is ironic, considering that he has been an outspoken advocate of therapy for years. In 2022, he released a documentary with his therapist, psychiatrist Phil Stutz, on Netflix entitled “Stutz.”

Whether or not Hill’s treatment was actually helpful to him, and those around him, has been questioned. As Martha Gill wrote for The Guardian, “But was the therapy the right treatment for Hill, or was it merely equipping a controlling man with ways to emotionally abuse his partner?”

What are boundaries, really?

One of the main talking points regarding Hill’s texts: his use, or misuse, of the term “boundaries.”

As Holly Thomas wrote for CNN, “Hill apparently described these conditions as ‘boundaries,’ but they might as well be called ‘rules.’ Healthy boundaries, as therapists have been swift to point out, are limits people set for themselves to protect their well-being, not demands imposed upon others.”

“Hill’s misappropriation of popular therapy-speak created a veneer of respectability that disguised a perverse shift in the power dynamic between himself and Brady,” Thomas continued.

According to Lynette Randall, mental health therapist and owner of Hygge Healing Therapy, Hill could have very well believed that those were the boundaries he needed in a relationship. But whether or not they were reasonable is another question.

“I think he believed they were his boundaries and we can’t argue with that for him. To her, it sounded like they felt like restriction and inappropriate asks,” Randall told me. “And I think that’s always a hard line — is it a boundary or is it an ultimatum? Because boundaries exist so we can have healthy and sustainable relationships. Boundaries should be there to facilitate sustainability and mutual respect.”

Randall makes it clear that Hill’s texts to his former girlfriend only give us a fleeting glimpse into their relationship — as she told me, “there’s two sides of every story” and pointed out that we haven’t heard Hill’s yet — but, in Randall’s opinion, Hill’s boundaries could’ve been a form of control.

“He was asking for things to control her and I think he believes that those are the boundaries he needs in a relationship,” Randall continued. “But that — to me — tells me you maybe don’t have very healthy or reciprocal relationships.”

Randall makes it clear that, in her opinion, Hill expressed his boundaries reasonably. And, as she put it, “Everyone is entitled to say what they want and what they feel they need in a relationship.”

But on the other hand, Randall said, “Whether or not those boundaries are appropriate, that’s another question.”

Can therapy speak be weaponized in relationships?

It is common for, at the very least, therapy speak to be woefully misused day to day. For example: “trauma-bonding,” a term often cited on TikTok, is not “bonding over a shared difficult experience,” as commonly believed, according to Vox. Instead, “it is when a person who was abused feels an emotional connection to their abuser.”

It is perhaps this ignorance that allows therapy speak to be weaponized. If we don’t know what a term really means, how easy would it be to twist it into something used negatively?

But this might just be naiveté on my part — people can very well understand what a specific term means, but choose to distort it anyway.

Whether done in ignorance or purposely, therapy speak can very much be weaponized in any relationship, according to Randall.

“Anything can be used negatively,” Randall said. “What I see in people is that there’s so much information and emphasis on therapy and mental health, I think people think they know more than they do and they use those words in context that is inaccurate.”

“I think people can maybe assert more dominance over someone else in a relationship by using those words, because they think they do have so much weight to them.”

Irina Firstein, a licensed individual and couples therapist, echoed a similar sentiment to The Cut. “I think it’s a cop-out. It gives you this air of superiority and expertise in using this language and it doesn’t actually communicate what’s really being felt. And it leaves the other person really not understanding what is happening.”

According to Randall, therapy speak can be weaponized when someone uses those terms in a specific context to fit their agenda. It can be malicious, but as Randall said, it can also come from “a lack of awareness and maybe even a lack of respect for the other person.”

For what it’s worth, Randall thinks it’s great that there’s more talk and awareness around mental health and therapy. But she cautions against “using terminology (in a way that) should only be used by professionals,” as Hill seemingly did over text.

According to Vox, “Therapy-speak is best reserved for the context of therapy where a professional can correct misinterpretations and ask for elaboration.”

As Randall told me, using therapy speak can be appropriate — in the right context and with the correct understanding. “It’s totally OK to ask for boundaries in a partnership,” Randall said. “But (Hill) was asking for things that were really controlling. And I think that is what was problematic.”