What Textual Compatibility Means in a Relationship
What to do if you and your partner(s) have different texting styles
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Medically reviewed by Ivy Kwong, LMFT
While you’ve probably heard of dating criteria like physical attraction, emotional compatibility, and sexual chemistry, here’s a new one that has gained importance in today’s day and age of mobile phones, digital apps, and internet dating: textual compatibility.
Being textually compatible with someone means having the same expectations around texting and ascribing the same meaning to text messages as the other person, says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University, who specializes in issues related to relationships.
Imagine meeting someone you hit it off with and spending hours talking to them over dinner and drinks. You have a wonderful time, plan your next date together, go home, and send them a text message, only to be left on read.
The next day, while you’re scrolling through your social media feed, you see a meme that reminds you of something they said, so you share it with them, only to receive a “Haha” in response several hours later.
You go on your next date with them and everything goes well. There are no red flags and the conversation flows smoothly without any embarrassing incidents or awkward pauses. You realize that the two of you have great chemistry in person, but you’re not "textually compatible."
While couples who are just getting to know each other may struggle with textual compatibility, even longstanding couples may not necessarily be textually compatible.
This article explores different texting styles and suggests some strategies to improve your textual compatibility with your partner.
Role of Textual Communication in Relationships
According to Dr. Romanoff, these are some of the purposes textual communication can serve in relationships:
Checking in
Getting to know one another
Building a deeper connection
Making plans together
Managing logistics
Flirting
Staying connected while apart
Sharing relevant information
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Gauging Textual Compatibility
So, are you and your partner textually compatible? According to Dr. Romanoff, there are many ways to gauge textual compatibility. For instance, she recommends asking yourself:
Who tends to initiate text conversations?
What is the function or purpose of the texts you send versus the ones your partner sends?
How long do you and your partner take to respond to each other's texts?
Are their texts similar to yours in length, tone, and style?
Have you and your partner misinterpreted each other’s texts before?
Have you and your partner argued about each other’s texting habits?
Do their texts make you feel happy or anxious and confused?
Having similar texting habits and expectations as your partner means you’re textually compatible. However, having vastly different attitudes toward texting could mean you and your partner have different attachment styles and are textually incompatible.
According to a 2021 study, couples in long distance relationships who made it a point to text each other regularly and respond promptly to each other’s texts reported greater levels of relationship satisfaction.
How Attachment Styles Influence Texting Habits
A person’s attachment style can play a major role in determining their texting habits in a relationship. Below, Dr. Romanoff explains how having an anxious or avoidant attachment style can affect your texting habits and your textual compatibility with your partner.
Anxious Attachment Style
People with anxious attachment styles tend to use texting as a way to feel connected or secure in the relationship.
They might use texting as a means to create a more secure attachment by sending out bids for connection via text message constantly throughout the day. For them, texting serves as a way to collect evidence that their relationship is secure and in good standing. It offers them tangible proof that they are a priority to their partner.
These people may feel rejected or wonder where their relationship stands if their partner doesn’t respond to their texts. They may believe they are being ignored or wonder whether their partner is upset with them. Not receiving a timely response from their partner can be stressful and nerve-racking for them.
Avoidant Attachment Style
People with an avoidant attachment style tend to have a higher preference for differentiation, meaning they value their independence. They don't want to be constantly in touch with their partner and prefer to maintain their own separate life, identity, and relationships outside of the romantic relationship with their partner.
These people might feel inundated or overwhelmed by someone who texts them constantly throughout the day. They may interpret the other person’s actions as clingy and feel suffocated by them.
Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD
Textual compatibility really comes down to the amount of fusion or differentiation partners are seeking in their relationship.
Related: How to Avoid Being Clingy In Relationships
How to Improve Textual Compatibility
Being textually compatible with your partner can reduce stress, anxiety, and friction around communication, making it more seamless. However, if you and your partner have different texting styles, Dr. Romanoff suggests some steps that can help you improve your textual compatibility.
Communicate Your Preferences
If you and your partner approach texting differently, it's helpful to communicate and explain your preferences around it.
Partners who don’t openly communicate about their incompatible communication styles usually fall into the distancer-pursuer cycle, where one partner initiates and pursues the other through more and more frequent texting, and the other withdraws and puts less effort forth.
The withdrawer usually holds back because they feel controlled through judgment and criticism, and communicating more might make them feel pressured and manipulated. Whereas, the partner who wants more frequent communication might resort to blaming, shaming, or anger when their partner isn’t available to them, which causes them to be more demanding, further perpetuating the vicious cycle.
It’s important for partners to communicate their needs around texting—which are often incompatible—and then make a mutual effort to meet each other in the middle. This conversation is best had in person instead of over text, to avoid any misunderstandings.
And remember: It's okay to text at different frequencies or styles if both partners feel satisfied with the exchanges (i.e. you may text more or less and your partner doesn't mind, so long as you feel comfortable with the exchanges).
Respect Boundaries
It is important to do your best to respect your partner’s preferences and boundaries around texting. For instance, if your partner has expressed that they are not available for casual texting while they are at work, refrain from texting them about anything that is not necessary and urgent during that time.
Don’t Have Difficult Conversations Over Text
Don’t use text messaging as a medium to discuss issues, argue with your partner, or avoid difficult topics.
If you need to have an important conversation with your partner, it is best to do so in person, when both of you are giving it your full attention and can perceive each other’s tone and body language. There is a higher probability of your messages being misinterpreted over text as assumptions may be made and reacted to without vocal inflections, timing, visual cues, and facial expressions which are more accessible face-to-face. If there is ever confusion about what a text might mean, you can call or coordinate a time to meet in person for clarification.
Summary
Textual compatibility is a measure of how compatible you and your partner are over text. Being with a partner who texts too often can be off-putting whereas being with someone who texts too little can be nerve-wracking. However, discussing your textual preferences can help you and your partner communicate more smoothly.
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