How to Tell Your Parents You're Eloping Without Offending Them

Here's what to say (and how and when to say it) if you're planning to tie the knot in private.

For many couples, part of the magic of an elopement is in the secret planning—just the two of you, creating an intimate, personal day without unwanted input from your family. General elopement etiquette doesn't require a couple to alert anyone (except, of course, their officiant or witness) that they plan to tie the knot.

"It is completely up to the couple to tell (or not tell!) whomever they choose before eloping," says etiquette expert Myka Meier. "The couple is not obligated to tell anyone, or they can choose to tell select close friends or family who may either help them plan the elopement, be a witness, or just to let them in on the surprise before taking the step!"

While it's perfectly appropriate to plan a wedding that's a complete surprise to all of your friends and family, it may require a little extra tact to tell your parents that you're eloping—and that they won't be (or weren't) invited. "Parents, especially parents [you are close to], will most likely be upset by the news of you eloping," says Christy Thiessen, an event planner with Hello Gem.

Your dad may have dreamed of walking you down the aisle—and your partner's mom may have imagined adjusting his boutonnière before the ceremony. It's likely that both sets of parents envisioned a festive celebration marking this major milestone. Keep the following guidelines in mind as you decide how and when to share the news to minimize the emotional fallout (and drama).

Related: Elopement Outfit Inspiration for the Bride and Groom

Telling Your Parents Before vs. After the Elopement

Your relationship with each set of parents plays a major role in how you present the idea of eloping, and in whether you involve your parents ahead of time or share the news afterward. "The family dynamic plays heavily on whether it would be seen as respectful or not to elope with or without telling parents ahead of the ceremony," says Meier. "In some cultures or religions, it may be seen as very disrespectful to not tell parents, while in others it would be seen as a fun and exciting surprise."

Only you and your partner can decide if telling your parents in advance will lead to months of hurt feelings and guilt trips—or if your parents will relish their role as secret-keepers as they help you coordinate the details. One caution: If you choose to tell your parents after you've eloped, the secrecy can often be as hurtful as—or even worse than—being left off the invitation list. "While it is ultimately the couple's decision to share the news, I suggest you tell your closest family and friends prior to eloping," says Theissen. "Chances are, their reactions will be much better than if they found out afterward."

Share the News in a Memorable Way

If you choose to tell your parents before you elope, opt to do so in a special and memorable way—at a fancy dinner or with a sentimental note, for example. "Try to tell them in person or in as intimate a way as possible," says Meier. "It's an important life moment and decision you are sharing with them, and you don't want it to seem unimportant by telling them in a casual method such as text."

Meier recommends using phrases that emphasize that you don't want the news shared. Try this script: "We want to tell only you two about something very exciting and special, but we ask that by sharing this with you, you don't tell a single soul! We have decided to elope and are getting married [next month]! We love you very much and wanted to make sure to tell you, and only you, before we tied the knot."

You may need to specify that "not a single soul" includes your aunt with the chatty social media habit, your mom's best friend, and your gregarious brother. "Make sure to tell them you are entrusting them with this secret so it doesn't end up being told without your consent," says Meier. 

Explain Your Reasons for Eloping

Whether you tell your parents before or after you elope, focus the conversation on how and why you came to your decision—while anticipating that their first reaction may not be pure joy. "Be sensitive to their feelings and realize this may be upsetting for them," says Meier. "Try to explain it in a way that shows it was not about them or something they did to not be included, but a decision you made as a couple for your special day. [Explaining that], for example, you just wanted It to be between the two of you for as intimate a moment as possible helps people understand they weren't just left out."

Though preparing for this talk may feel stressful, remind yourselves that it's just one of many conversations you'll have with your parents over the course of your marriage when you and your spouse make a decision they didn't expect. "Go into the conversation confident that you did what was best for you and your partner, share your excitement and why it is important to you to elope," says Thiessen. "It may take a while to process the news, but they'll come around."

Give Them a Role in Planning the Elopement

If appropriate, create opportunities for your parents to be involved with the planning; this can take some of the sting out of missing the ceremony. "You still want them to feel as though they are included in a special way, even if not officially invited to the ceremony—parents might be offended or hurt to not be included," says Meier.

Plan wedding-dress shopping trips with your mother, review elopement locations or photographers with your future in-laws, or step back while your parents plan an engagement party or newlywed dinner. "They may have had a vision of a traditional wedding since you were little," says Theissen. Giving them the chance to participate in some aspects of your big day allows them to create the moments they've always imagined—in a way that works for all of you.

How to Tell Your Parents If You've Already Eloped

Couples who decide to keep their plans to themselves until after the ceremony should give their parents an update as quickly—and as personally—as they can. "I would suggest telling them as soon as possible—if you aren't sure about their reaction, maybe wait a day after you elope so there are no sad tears on your wedding day," says Theissen. "While I suggest an in-person announcement is the best way to share the news, that's not always possible due to time or distance, [so] a FaceTime video might be the second-best option to share the news with your family."

Ideally, you should tell both sets of parents at the same time, says Meier—and tell them yourselves instead of letting them find out from an Instagram post. "I think it's appropriate to tell your nearest and dearest first, and in as personal a way as possible, so they feel loved and special," says Meier. "Then tell less-close friends and the general public later."