Adults With ADHD Are Getting Very Candid About How It Can Affect Their Relationships And Sex Life, And This Is Important
When Sarah Potter gets it on with her significant other, what feels like a million different thoughts race through her mind. For Potter, who is diagnosed with bipolar disorder and adult ADHD, distractions might be unavoidable while she's having sex. For instance, thoughts — which typically border on the mundane — like needing to take out the trash or do the laundry — flood her brain. If you, like Sarah, live with adult ADHD, you might be all-too-familiar with the constant distractions that pop up during sex.
"We're supposed to be, you know, enjoying this, and I need to act like I'm enjoying it even though I need to do the laundry and dishes — and that deadline for work is tomorrow," says Potter, who is 33 and a marketing consultant and mental health advocate in Phoenix, Arizona. "And the distractibility and rabbit-hole conversation I have in my mind during sex can really impact my attention during it. I'm thinking of, like, 500 other things that totally have nothing to do with what I'm doing right now."
While many people with ADHD have sex lives that might not be that much different from non-ADHD folks, sometimes, an individual's ADHD can actually affect their experience, points out Stephen Snyder, MD, a sex therapist based in New York City, and author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship.
With this in mind, we're going to get to the bottom of the ways in which living with ADHD can potentially affect your sex life, and what you can do to keep it in check to have great sex and improve your relations with your partners.
And while we're at it: it's worth mentioning that there seems to be a stark difference in timelines for diagnosis between men and women. For many people with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, otherwise known as ADHD, that diagnosis will come in childhood. But did you know that boys are three times more likely to receive an ADHD diagnosis than girls? That gender disparity continues later into life. Rather than being diagnosed as children — as men often are — women may not receive that diagnosis until adulthood. According to the American Psychological Association, the average age range for a woman getting diagnosed with ADHD is between their late 30s or early 40s.
1.First, a few things about ADHD. According to CHADD, a nonprofit serving folks in the US with ADHD, about 10 million adults have ADHD. And while we're all prone to distractibility, ADHD is a diagnosed neurological disorder that impacts self regulation skills and the brain's executive function — think mental processes that help us focus our attention, prioritize tasks that need to get done, and remember details and instructions.
2.There are also a few different types of ADHD, not just one. ADHD falls on a spectrum with inattentive and distractibility on one end of the spectrum, and impulsive and hyperactive on the other end, explains Dr. Kojo Sarfo, a DNP, PMHNP-BC mental health expert based in Los Angeles, and host of Ask Dr. Kojo.
3.Now that we've established some base-level information about ADHD, let's get into the details. To start, there may be times when you want to have sex all the time, and others when you're just not into it at all.
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When you're living with ADHD, depending on your mood and what you're currently hyperfocused on, there might be times when your sex drive is in overdrive, and other times when it's completely dormant, explains Sarfo. That's because folks living with ADHD tend to hyperfix on certain things. "That could be a new person, crush, or a new hobby," says Sarfo. "And sometimes, you may hyperfix on sex, and you may want a lot of sex in a short amount of time with someone. If that person's drive isn't on the same wavelength as yours, then somebody isn't going to be satisfied."
And for folks like Potter who tend to zone out during sex, it can be super embarrassing if your partner catches you in the act. You might be thinking about everything on your to-do list, or something that happened earlier that day, or well, let's face it, you might be fantasizing about someone else (we've all been there, neurodivergent or not). "It can be difficult to do things in moderation, and it's difficult to shift from one task to the next," says Sarfo. "But if you're hyperfixated on sex and your partner doesn't want it, sometimes you may feel unfulfilled and vice versa. And if your partner doesn't understand ADHD, then [what seems like an excuse] might seem like you're losing interest, and that can begin an entirely different argument and frustrate you."
4.You might run into sensory challenges in the bedroom.
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For neurodivergent folks in general, sensory overload might throw you off while having sex, explains Sarfo. Think: messy sheets on the bed, glaring lights, ambient noise in the background, a subtle smell wafting through or body musk, or a pile of dirty socks in the corner of your eye could drive you crazy. For your non-neurodivergent partner? It might not bother them in the slightest. "In that case, you might be suffering silently, and sex isn't going to be worth the trouble," says Sarfo.
5.The need for newness and sometimes risky behavior is real. Trina Haynes, an ADHD advocate and founder of My Lady ADHD, has a history of being a bit impulsive when starting a new relationship with someone, and can move quickly.
Because having ADHD can mean you are on the hunt for your next dopamine rush, you might be constantly on the hunt for newness in your life, which can bleed over to your sex life and relationships. Says Trina Haynes, "I tend to get hyper focused on a person, then when the 'novelty' wears off, it's very difficult for me to stay in that relationship long-term."
Hayes also admits that she could only enjoy sex while under the influence of substances, which added a layer of spice and novelty to the sexual encounter that she very sorely needed to stay interested in someone.
6.Something referred to as "rejection sensitive dysphoria" can be a factor if your healthy sense of self and self-esteem get out of whack.
7.And in some cases, RSD can be more pervasive with your romantic relationships.
Mark Richardson can certainly testify to that. Having been diagnosed with ADHD since he was a young child, Richardson finds that he valued approval from his partners more than his own sense of self and self-esteem. "I feel that if I garner the approval of the person that I care about or that I'm sleeping with, then that approval is more valuable than my own self-esteem or my own self," says Richardson, who is 39 and a musician and podcast host based in Los Angeles. "My own perception of self, my self-worth has been more drawn from asking myself questions like: Am I achieving things that increase the 'Like Quotient?' Am I in the dog house, or am I in their good graces? So, I would overly fixate on solving the problem and doing it in a way that has to be done in the way that the person 'in charge' prefers."
In turn, Richardson found that he had self-sacrificial tendencies to be in a relationship because he feared rejection or being at fault for doing something wrong. This included taking on his partners' problems as his own, and being hyper focused on solving them — to his own great detriment. In turn, devoting so much time and energy in what felt like an act of self-sacrifice in one particular relationship led to Richardson feeling severely taken advantage of.
Now that we've gone over some of the ways that living with adult ADHD can impact your relationships and sex life, let's also talk about how you can best manage potential challenges.
8.Find ways in the bedroom to help you concentrate or to fold in an element of newness.
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To stay engaged, change things up with your partner, and change things up often. Yes, it's entirely possible to incorporate novelty with your current partners. Potter and her husband have both jotted down a list of things they like, a list of things they don't like, and things they want to try. That helps them keep their sex lives fresh and exciting.
Or, incorporate kink in the bedroom. "Some find they focus better if they push their erotic boundaries," says Snyder. For example, maybe your mind tends to wander, and being spanked during sex helps you concentrate and get back into the moment. You can try role play, incorporate toys and costumes, or consider a power play where the roles of dominance and submission are reversed.
9.Look for patterns and things that are the hardest for you to do, and communicate them with your partner.
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This requires some serious soul-searching and deep reflection. It's only through knowing how your brain works, and your strengths and flaws, to find that common ground and establish an environment where you can be upfront and honest about any and all struggles, says Sarfo. "When you know yourself, you can tell your partner, this is something I can do really well," he says. "And here's something you might just prepare or that I tend to."
For example: If sensory overload is a common culprit that blocks you from focusing and having peak enjoyment during sex, being aware of it is the first step. Talk about any and all struggles with your partner. Then, find ways to prevent it from getting in the way in the bedroom. Make sure your love-making space is uncluttered, free of distracting aromas, smells, or sounds. And to better self-regulate your emotions, communicate with your partner when you're feeling frustrated, suggests Sarfo. "Don't be afraid to ask for space," he says. "That way, you can speak from a place of calm and compassion rather than anger."
Don't forget to give yourself permission to take breaks as needed. "It's important to honor your emotions and allow yourself to go through what you're feeling, but it can be hard when we're going about our day and just going through the motions," says Sarfo. "To self-regulate your emotions, take breaks throughout the day to gather yourself when you feel emotions like anger and irritability."
10.If your partner lives with adult ADHD, try to do your best to see where they're coming from.
11.If you see someone with ADHD struggling, ask them what they need. They may or may not be able to tell you immediately, but starting that dialogue in an empathetic way can be a good first step.
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A little bit of empathy goes a long way. Sarfo recommends doing something simple, yet can be incredibly effective. Ask your partner specifically what they need help with at that moment. "With ADHD, you might have done whatever was the lowest-hanging fruit, and it might not have been what was needed to get a certain project done or a certain place on time, and it might make you feel like a failure," says Sarfo. In turn, asking your partner exactly how they can be supported then and there could be the biggest help.
12.Recognize that ADHD has supreme benefits and strengths — and lean into them.
So, there you have it! Let us know if you have relate to this or have more questions in the comments!
And, if you're interested in learning more about ADHD, make sure to connect with a professional. The websites below are also great places to start with research and community-building.
• Kaleidoscope Society: Kaleidoscope Society is an online community for and by women with ADHD.
• CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder): CHADD is a national nonprofit that helps people affected by ADHD.
