How to Talk to Your Kids About the Violence in Israel and Gaza
As wave after horrific wave of news comes in about the unconscionable violence in Israel and Gaza, the world is left reeling — and that includes our kids. In the age of social media, it’s almost impossible for them not to hear about it. Or worse, see the gut-wrenching videos that are circulating of the blatant acts of terrorism affecting the people there. No one is spared; everyone is suffering. And when “everyone” includes babies, toddlers, mothers, innocents, it can be hard to process, especially for children who are bearing witness to other kids’ unimaginable hardships — even if it’s from across the world.
As parents, it can be hard to know what to say to our children about these events. Talking to kids about violence is an uncomfortable conversation that, frankly, we wish we never had to have. But even if we chose to sweep it under the rug and sidestep the topic entirely at home, our kids are still aware of what’s going on, and absorbing details from the world around them. Details that they should be getting from their most trustworthy source: their parents.
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“As much as we want to, we can’t protect our children from hearing about what is going on in the news — children are very aware and are picking up on adults’ emotions and discomforts and overhearing our conversations,” says licensed clinical psychologist Melissa Klosk, Psy.D. We would love to keep our kids sheltered from every type of ugliness, especially horrific acts of this magnitude, but we owe it to them to address it. Dr. Klosk tells SheKnows that it’s important to speak with children about what’s going on in the news in a developmentally-appropriate way, even if you think they aren’t sure what’s going on or they aren’t talking about it.
How to Bring It Up
Meghan Walls, Psy.D., Clinical Psychologist and Director of External Affairs at Nemours Children’s Health, Delaware Valley, suggests broaching the topic when you have plenty of time to focus on the conversation. “Sit close to them, make good eye contact, and make sure they feel you’re on their level,” she says. “Closeness helps with hard conversations.”
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With any difficult topic, it’s always best to start by asking questions, getting a feel for how much they know about the subject at hand. Dr. Klosk recommends this question as a good starting point: “What are you hearing at school about what is going on in the world?” Dr. Klosk also says that for younger kids, it’s OK to start out with a statement such as, “You may have noticed Mommy and Daddy have seemed sad; this is not your fault and you have not done anything wrong. There are sad things going on in the world. People are fighting. We care about these people and are thinking about them and we feel sad that people are hurting.”
However you initiate the conversation, the goal is to follow your child’s lead. “If the child doesn’t seem interested in the event or doesn’t want to talk about it at the moment, don’t push,” advises Dr. Walls. “Let them know if they’d like to talk more about it, you’re available.”
Keeping It Age-Appropriate
Most kids realize the news is real by the time they are 7 or 8, Dr. Walls tells SheKnows. Telling the truth may feel like it’s going against our protective instinct as a parent, but it’s the best route; however, parents should share only as much as the child needs to know.
“It’s important to give children factual and age-appropriate information (without giving all the very upsetting and scary details) about what is going on so that children have a narrative of understanding that caregivers can control,” says Dr. Klosk. Consider your child’s developmental and maturity level, and let that determine how much — and in what way — you tell them. “For younger kids, ‘Yes, people are being hurt and killed and it’s hard and scary’ is really an okay answer,” adds Dr. Walls. “Using real words and giving kids a sense of understanding builds their trust in you.” She also advises parents to answer kids’ questions directly, but listen carefully to what they are asking to avoid over-explanation: “You don’t need to explain more than they want to know.”
For Older Kids …
Older kids with access to social media have almost certainly heard — most likely in greater detail — about the atrocities happening in Israel and Gaza; sports teams or celebrities they follow have probably put out statements, at the very least. But they still may not fully understand the situation, and will have questions that will be more specific. When answering those questions, it helps to be adequately versed in what’s going on and why (we like this straightforward primer from Reuters, which is widely considered to be a balanced news source). Of course, it’s always OK to admit when you don’t know the answers! “If your child asks a question that stumps you, say you’ll find out. Or use age-appropriate websites to spend time together looking for an answer,” suggests Dr. Walls.
She also points out that it’s important to help children think through stories they hear. Additionally, parents should urge kids to be skeptical of videos they see on social media; a recent article from NPR reported that fake accounts, old videos, even clips of video games are being shared as factual information about the conflict. Let them know that there’s a lot of misinformation being spread, and offer help evaluating news sources.
How to Offer Reassurance
Little ones may not have a grasp of geographical differences and may worry that they, too, could be in similar trouble. “They may actually think it’s happening much closer to them than it is. They may not realize quite how far away in the world these events are happening,” Waheeda Saif, program coordinator at Riverside Trauma Center in Massachusetts, told NPR. In that case, you can show them where each country is on a map.
Keeping a consistent and predictable schedule is also important for younger kids. “Keep your family routines and structure — aiding with predictability can really help children with emotion regulation,” advises Dr. Klosk. “Find ways to restore your child’s sense of control and help them to organize their thoughts and feelings.”
TV personality Fred Rogers famously said, “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.'” For kids of any age — younger or older — this can instill a much-needed sense of hope. “Identify the helpers in the situations and give attention to the ways in which people are showing support and kindness to those in need,” Dr. Klosk says. Point out people who are giving blood, volunteers packing up supplies or raising money, or undertaking any other relief measures.
If your children are old enough to help, participating in these relief measures can offer some reassurance too. Independent charity watchdog CharityWatch.org has a list of top-rated and reputable charities involved in providing aid to those in the affected regions; if you can donate to a cause, let your child be a part of it. If you know of any local charities coming together to gather supplies or donations, you (and even your child) can lend your time to those.
The most vital element in navigating these horrifying acts of terrorism with your kids, though, is letting them know that you’re there to answer questions or just to talk when they need it. “Your presence and offering to support them is the most important,” says Dr. Walls. “Consistent caring adults in children’s and adolescents’ lives during unpredictable times is the best protective factor they can have.”
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