How to talk to kids about what’s happening in Israel and Gaza, according to experts
Last Friday morning, I kept my middle child, a 3-year-old who goes to a Jewish preschool, home from school. Amidst threats from a former Hamas leader, my mama heart couldn’t take the risk of sending her into a synagogue, a decision I grappled with for hours before ultimately coming to my heartbreaking conclusion. My kindergartener overheard me tell her sister she wouldn’t be going to school. “Why?” she asked, with a hint of jealousy. I was at a loss. She’s only 5. How do I explain to her that I don’t feel safe sending her sister into a Jewish building, into a Jewish space? Do I need to explain it to her? Is there a right answer?
I knew I couldn’t be the only parent struggling with these questions—what to say, how to say it, whether to explain anything at all—so I did what my journalist brain always does in these situations: I reached out to experts and started reporting. I spoke to psychologists who shared their insight on how to help our children navigate through this unspeakable crisis. Here is their advice for talking to your children about the violence in Israel and Gaza.
Let kids lead the conversation
Before you stress over what to tell your child, find out what your child actually knows, says Meghan Walls, PsyD, a pediatric psychologist with Nemours Children’s Health and a clinical associate professor of Pediatrics with Sydney Kimmel Medical College at Thomas Jefferson University.
This, of course, is going to change drastically based on their age: if they’re 5, they may know nothing; if they’re 14, they may know a lot. But by starting with “what have you heard?”, you can help kids lead the conversation in age-appropriate ways, and focus on answering the questions they have. (In my case, my kindergartener didn’t know anything; I ended up telling her “It’s my job to keep you safe and I didn’t think school was the safest place for your sister to be today,” and left it at that.) “We don’t need to tell a very young child that there is conflict, or that there have been killings, if they don’t know. But if they ask about it, even at that young age, we don’t want to lie,” says Dr. Walls. “Really little kids are not quite to the point where they understand the difference between fantasy and reality. So if they ask you a question like are people dying?, it’s OK to say yes. But then stop. We don’t need to go into long explanations,” she says.
The goal, she says, is to answer any specific questions they have without putting new information out there. And if your child doesn’t have any specific questions because they don’t know anything? That’s more than OK. “Our little ones don’t need to hold the weight of the world,” she says.
For older children who may have heard about the terrorist attacks and violence, you’ll still want to let them pilot the conversation. “Children can be easily overwhelmed by too much information, so keep the conversation simple,” says Dity Brunn, PsyD, a clinical psychologist, an adjunct professor at Pepperdine University, and a board member at American Friends of NATAL, a trauma and resilience center in Israel. But, as Dr. Becky Kennedy pointed out in her now-viral Instagram post on this topic, you still want to be honest: use real terms like invasions, rockets, etc. “Two things are true,” she wrote. “We don’t want to flood kids with fear, and when kids ask questions, they are ready for truthful answers.”
These conversations might not look like you expect them to, and that’s OK too. “The reality here is we don’t have to push our kids if they say ‘I’ve heard about it, but I don’t want to talk about it,’” says Dr. Walls. “That’s OK. Your goal is to say, ‘I’m here if you want to talk. If you’re hearing or seeing things that are upsetting, come back to me.’ This does not have to be a one-time conversation.”
Your kid may have questions you don’t know the answer to, and that’s also OK. You can look things up together, says Dr. Walls, and help your child focus on age-appropriate resources. “You don’t have to attempt to explain complex ideologies or political situations—young children are unlikely to grasp them anyway,” says Dr. Brunn. “Keep the conversation focused on principles like tolerance, respect and empathy.” Because this conflict is complicated, being honest about the limits of your own knowledge of the situation, as well as giving your child a sense of control as you learn together, are valuable parenting tools, explains Dr. Walls. “And always end [each conversation] by reiterating that they are loved and safe,” says Dr. Brunn.
Stress the importance of limiting social media and news exposure
“Limiting their content is really important,” says Dr. Walls. Remind your kids that if they see the “sensitive content” warning on a social network, no matter how tempting it is, don’t click. This is a case where you want to practice what you preach, too: “I want both parents to say to their teens: not only am I asking you to do this, but I’m actually also going to try to do this too, because it can really bother us if we see these kinds of images and videos,” says Dr. Walls.
You can try making a pact to delete social networks, or pledge to sit next to each other while you scroll so you can have an immediate dialogue if they come across anything upsetting. If your child isn’t old enough to have a phone or social media, try not to consume news around or near them. It’s not worth exposing them to the graphic, upsetting images and headlines—the news will still be there when they’re at school, or asleep. If your child does see something graphic, whether on purpose or by mistake, let them know they can talk to you. “Tell them something like ‘it would be so upsetting for me to see it, I can only imagine what it would be like for you,’” says Dr. Walls. Dr. Brunn agrees: “Reassure them that it’s normal to feel disturbed or upset by distressing images and videos,” she says. Showing empathy is really powerful, even if it can’t undo what they saw.
Give them space to process their feelings
It’s hard to feel like an overwhelming, horrible event is happening the world over and there’s nothing you can do about it. (Hard for kids and adults, of course.) “Helplessness is a very common feeling during these times. You can lessen this feeling by taking part in a supporting activity, donation, support group, prayer, or anything that feels right to you,” says Dr. Brunn. “Discuss ways your children can take positive action, such as supporting or participating in any activity that promotes tolerance, understanding and social justice.”
And if they’re feeling overwhelmed by what they’ve seen or heard in the news cycle, teach them the importance of self-care, too, says Dr. Brunn. “Encourage them to practice activities that can help manage stress and anxiety, such as deep breathing exercises,” she says. “And if your child is significantly distressed or has difficulty coping with the images and videos they encounter, consider seeking the assistance of a mental health professional or counselor.”
Be there to support them
The violence happening in the Middle East right now is terrifying. It’s more than understandable if your child is scared. “I really encourage parents to say ‘my job as a grownup is to help keep you safe. How can I help you feel more in control?’” says Dr. Walls. It can be as simple as reminding them what Dr. Brunn said above: this is scary, but you are safe right now. “Context can really help reduce confusion and fear,” says Dr. Brunn. It may sound obvious, but it can be really powerful. “Often parents are worried, am I going to say something wrong? But if you are willing to sit and listen to and validate your kid, your child is going to be so much better off,” says Dr. Walls.
Featured experts
Dity Brunn, PsyD, a clinical psychologist, an adjunct professor at Pepperdine University, and a board member at American Friends of NATAL, a trauma and resilience center in Israel.
Meghan Walls, PsyD, a pediatric psychologist with Nemours Children’s Health and a clinical associate professor of Pediatrics with Sydney Kimmel Medical College at Thomas Jefferson University.
