What Should You Talk About on a First Date?
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When it comes to first dates, the experience is simultaneously exhilarating and nerve-racking. There's a chance that you'll meet someone you instantly click with (cue butterflies)—yet there's equal opportunity to be sitting across from someone who shares nothing in common with you (cue crickets). Making a first-date plan can be stressful, too. There are the questions of what you'll wear (hint: try something you already feel confident in) and, more importantly, what you'll do. And once you're on the date, there's the agony over what to actually talk about.
Instead of letting you flounder and accidentally ramble for 10 minutes about what cat food you buy, we tapped the experts for their advice on first-date conversation starters. Whether you're getting back out there after divorce or a breakup, or you're just interested in meeting new people, these tips will help prevent the date from drying up before you've ordered an appetizer.
Going in with talking points is one way to decrease your first-date jitters. But: Try to avoid speaking like you've rehearsed a script or have a stack of index cards in your bag. Rapid-fire questions can make the other party feel like they're in an interview rather than on a date. Remember that these conversation starters are just that—ways to start meaningful conversation. Once you've posed a question, take the time to listen to your date's answer, discuss what they've said, and let that topic steer you in a natural direction. If things get stale or you run into a dead end, you can return to a new convo starter. Hopefully, though, the talking will flow naturally once you've hit the right topic. Who knows—you might just make this your last first date.
Start by trying to make a connection.
"Though you and your date may already overlap in areas like education or religion, it's vital to build rapport on other topics, too," says Jess Carbino, PhD, a sociologist and relationship expert who led research for Bumble and Tinder. "Try to draw parallels between their experiences and interests and your own," she adds.
Expand upon what you've learned from the initial source of connection to propel the dialogue. For example, if you matched online, refer to something in their dating profile and ask them a question about the topic, says Carbino. If a mutual friend set you up, unpack how each of you knows them—and so on.
Where did you take those cool photos in your profile?
Tell me more about some of the interests you have listed.
How long have you known our mutual friend?
How did you meet them?
State the obvious.
If you're not sure how to jump into a conversation, comment about something in your environment. For starters, you could ask them if they've ever been to the coffee shop, park, or wherever they proposed to meet, or if they spend significant time in that neighborhood, says Carbino. "You could then quickly segue into a broader conversation about the area, food, travel, or another topic, based upon the cues you pick up initially," she adds.
Have you been to this place before?
Do you spend a lot of time in this neighborhood?
What are some of your favorite spots around here?
Don’t ask them what they do for a living.
"A first date is all about showing interest," says Jane Greer, PhD, a marriage and family therapist and author of What About Me?: Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship. Instead of asking the typical “What do you do?” frame the query in an open-ended way. Greer suggests trying the following: “How did you decide to go into this line of work? When did you know this was what you wanted to do?” Another way to approach this topic: “Is there anyone who inspired you to pursue your career or stick it out, though you may have faced challenges? If so, what's the story there?”
Getting your date to elaborate will reveal more about their personality and interests. "In this example, you're looking for more information about their background and line of thinking, rather than just a description of their job," says Greer.
How did you decide to go into your line of work?
When did you know it was what you wanted to do?
Is there anyone who inspired you to pursue your career?
Pay attention to how they respond to you.
To determine if your person of interest is relational or self-centered, note if they inquire about you at all, recommends Henry Cloud, PhD, coauthor of Boundaries in Dating. "When you answer, do they immediately turn it into talking about themselves, or can they stay on you for any time at all?" he says. Granted, nerves might get in the way—it's often easier to ramble—but this is something still worthy of cueing into.
It's also important to listen to their actual answers; a person's responses can often show their true selves. For example, if you ask how long they've been on a dating site and what their experience has been, are they saying belittling things like “There are so many idiots out there”? Or are they more levelheaded, with responses such as “I've met some nice people and had some good experiences...and of course, some that weren't.” Cloud says focusing on conversation patterns like this is an essential tip to gauge character.
Furthermore, take note of how much they tend to blame everyone or everything else (exes, former employers, family members, etc.) for personal setbacks. Cloud suggests doing so too much is a warning sign that they'll ultimately start to blame you for their issues.
Ask them about their talents.
Your date will likely feel more comfortable talking about something they like doing, so try asking: “What are you really good at? What do you do to keep growing in…[insert area you're discussing]?” “Listen for aspects of the conversation that let you see how much responsibility they take for life,” says Cloud. “Do they see themselves as someone who's creating their own life or waiting for it to just show up?”
What are you really good at?
What do you do to keep growing?
Learn about their family and friends.
Begin with a simply phrased “Tell me about your family.” See what you learn. Even if it's a negative story, Cloud says, you can respond with “Wow, that sounds hard. How did you deal with that or overcome it?”
Additionally, inquire about their friends. Tune in for the existence of close and long-term friends. "If all of their 'close' friends are new, that usually is not a good sign," cautions Cloud (keeping in mind, of course, that meeting friends as an adult can be tough). And, naturally, if they went through a divorce, that could lend itself to complications in their social life.
Tell me about your family and friends.
Who do you consider your support system?
Unpack their idea of a “good life.”
We all have a concept of what our ideal life would be. For you, maybe it's owning a home, having a healthy family, getting out of debt, or cultivating a garden that rivals Oprah's. What is it for the person eating chips and dip across from you?
According to Cloud, one way to dig into this can be asking: “So, if we were sitting here two years from now, what would have happened in your life for you to say things are really good?” And here's an important question for you at this point: Do the things that are going to make them happy resonate with you?
A person's values are often the root of many of their choices. Cloud suggests tapping into your date's philosophical worldview to learn more. Do they have a spiritual or moral center? A true north? Is it compatible with yours? On generosity of finances or time: Do they serve anywhere or give to a cause that matters to them?
What are some life goals of yours?
What values are important to you?
Are there any particular causes you support?
Are you a pessimist or optimist? Idealist or realist?
Ask where they’re from.
You can learn a lot about a person based on where or how they grew up. Make sure to ask them where they're from. This opens a door for a conversation about shared or different cultures and exchanging deeper aspects of your upbringings. Whether you grew up in different environments or share the same cultural heritage, talking about this can reveal new insights about one another—and you may actually have more in common than you think.
Where did you grow up?
What was your childhood home like?
Do you have any important family traditions?
Discuss favorite things.
Another go-to conversation starter is discussing your favorite things. This can range from favorite music genres, artists, TV shows, books, hobbies, and more. The possibilities are endless for this as you can touch on many diverse topics. Comedian Kevin Fredericks, who coauthored Marriage Be Hard with his wife, Melissa, also recommends questions like: “What food is your guilty pleasure? Which movie could you watch over and over again?”
What TV shows are you watching right now?
What is your all-time favorite book?
Do you have any unique hobbies?
Bring up travel.
Some people have had an underlying passion to travel the world in the back of their head their entire life, and others prefer to stay near family and friends and build their forever home there. Whichever it may be, find out your date's preference. This question can also help you determine compatibility. If you're both interested in traveling, you can see if they prefer an outdoors adventure or a city visit instead.
What kind of trips are your favorite?
Do you have a dream destination?
Which is the most interesting place you've traveled?
Find out their most memorable experience.
One bonus question you can always ask as an icebreaker: “What's the most amazing adventure you've been on or the most amazing experience you remember?” This is a seemingly simple and random question, but hearing your date explain something that meant so much to them or brought them so much joy allows you to meet another side of them. It also can lead to unexpected but interesting conversations.
What is the best adventure you've had?
What's the most incredible experience you can remember?
Address dealbreakers.
We're not talking about surface-level dealbreakers like a preference for brunettes. But if you're looking for a long-term, serious relationship, some things might not be negotiable, like wanting to have kids or needing to live in a particular region. "If you're super religious and you know that's important to you, for instance, ask about that," says Fredericks. "Anything you know that's a nonstarter for you should be brought up early," he adds. Of course, you can ease into it throughout the conversation so you're not hitting them with these big life questions right away, but better to know sooner rather than later.
Is religion an important part of your life?
Are you interested in raising kids someday?
Do you want to continue living here, or do you plan to move elsewhere?
Be curious.
An inherent trait of any effective reporter is inquisitiveness. Though your date isn't an interview, you are trying to learn parts of who this person is and their story. Do so by asking questions they've likely seldom or never answered, says Fredericks, like: “What's your fondest memory of elementary school? If you could get away with a crime, what would you do? What's on your bucket list?” “This will make you seem interesting,” he adds. Of course, try to ease these in naturally, or else you'll sound like you just read...this article.
"Really show your curiosity and encourage them to tell you more. This will not only make for an engaging and fun first date, but it will also help you discover if you have common interests or life goals to help you decide if you'd like to see the person again," says Greer.
What's your fondest memory of elementary school?
If you could get away with a crime, what would you do?
What's on your bucket list?
What does an ideal day look like to you?
What's the best meal you've ever had?
And have fun with it.
Try to keep in mind that your goal is learning whether or not you enjoy this person's company. While it's important to make sure your core values align—especially if you're looking to start a serious relationship—it's also necessary to recognize that simply getting to know someone new can be delightful...if you let it be. "Life should be fun, especially dating," says Cloud. The first date doesn't need to make wedding bells ring; it can actually be about whether this person makes you smile, if you're attracted to them, and if you get along on a surface level. Deepening the connection can come during later dates. Try asking some sillier questions to see if your sense of humor is compatible.
What's something weird or embarrassing you did as a kid?
What's the funniest gift you've ever given or received?
What's something strange that you're afraid of?
Remember, you can always leave.
Don't forget to check in on yourself as well. Do you like being there? Is this person amusing? Your time (and theirs) is valuable. Sometimes there's just no spark, even after warming up to each other during a drink or meal. If this is the case, Carbino says you can free up your future by saying something like: “It was so great to meet you. I really appreciate you taking the time to come out with me. I have another engagement (hello, Netflix and leftovers). Let's get the check.” The date doesn’t have to drag on over any self-imposed sense of obligation. The only thing you owe your date is respect, and there's always a way to exit a situation gracefully.
I promised my friend I'd call them tonight. Are you ready to get the check?
I've got an early morning tomorrow. Can we split the bill?
It was great meeting you. I have to get going; let's get the check.
But you can also test the waters for a second date.
Ending the night can get awkward even if the date is seemingly going well, too. Try gauging their calendar by asking what they're up to next weekend and then slyly suggesting that you'll be free on Friday. Or, if you'd like to be more direct, mention a restaurant, bar, or experience you've been wanting to try, and if they show interest, ask if they'd like to go with you. It may seem scary, but the worst they can do is say no.
Are you doing anything fun next weekend?
Have you heard of this new restaurant?
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