How to Talk About Being Gender Fluid

With Guidance for Loved Ones Wanting to Understand

Medically reviewed by Lauren Schlanger, MD

Gender fluidity describes gender as dynamic and evolving rather than fixed. When you were born, you were assigned a sex—male or female—based on physical characteristics (e.g., genitalia). Society tends to have predefined gender norms, assuming that people can only be male or female based solely on their assigned sex at birth.

Not everyone fits into the traditional gender binary. Some people are gender fluid, meaning their gender identity and expression are not fixed to one specific gender. Their internal perception of their gender (gender identity) may change over time or in different contexts. Gender fluidity recognizes that people can embrace different gender identities and expressions at different times.

This article explores what it means to be gender fluid, gender-fluid pronouns, and expressions of gender fluidity. It also offers guidance on navigating conversations about being gender fluid.

Gender Fluid, Gender Neutral, and Non-Binary: What's the Difference?

While there may be some overlap and individual variations, there are differences among gender-fluid, gender-neutral, and non-binary identities, as follows:

• Gender fluid: Someone who does not identify with a fixed gender or has a shifting, dynamic gender identity

• Gender neutral: Someone who does not identify with a specific gender or may feel neutral or absent of gender, with some gender-neutral people choosing the term "agender" to describe themselves

• Non-binary: Someone who experiences their gender identity outside the traditional male-female binary or feels their gender identity encompasses elements of both genders or something entirely different 
  

Gender-Fluid Pronouns

Gender pronouns refer to a person’s gender identity. While commonly associated with traditional binary genders (he/him for males, she/her for females), gender-fluid people may have a gender identity that does not fit into these traditional binary categories.

Fortunately, many gender pronouns extend beyond the limited binary framework. For example, a gender-fluid person may use gender-neutral pronouns like “they/them” or neopronouns such as “ze/hir” or “xe/xem.” Others may occasionally change their pronouns and switch between pronouns depending on their gender identity.

Commonly Used Gender Pronouns

There are many gender pronouns people can use based on their individual preferences and identities. Some people use conventional pronouns (e.g., she/her), and others may use neopronouns that more accurately represent their gender identity.

Commonly used gender pronouns and neopronouns include: 

• He/him (masculine)

• She/her (feminine)

• They/them (gender neutral)

• Ze/hir (gender neutral)

• Ze/zir (gender neutral)

• Xe/xem (gender neutral)

Pronoun Exploration for Gender-Fluid People

If you are questioning your gender identity or think you may be gender fluid, understanding and exploring gender pronouns can be an important part of your journey. Recent studies show that 9% of American youth identify outside of the traditional gender binary. Gender pronouns allow you to express your gender identity and be seen and referred to in a way that aligns with how you experience your gender.

You may find that your pronoun choices evolve as you learn more about your gender identity and expression. You can experiment with different pronouns to see which ones feel most comfortable and authentic.

Remember, pronouns are a personal choice, and discovering and using the pronouns that resonate with your identity is an empowering step toward self-discovery and self-expression. Embrace your journey and allow yourself the space to explore and discover the pronouns that best reflect your unique gender identity.

Supporting Gender-Fluid Pronouns

It is always best to ask what pronouns someone uses rather than assuming based on appearance alone. Misgendering someone (using the wrong pronouns) can be hurtful and invalidating to that person. When you honor and use the correct pronouns, you actively show support, validate their identity, and contribute to a more inclusive and affirming society.

When meeting someone new or in a group setting, it can be helpful to introduce yourself with your pronouns first, which encourages others to do the same. Alternatively, you can ask, “What pronouns do you use?” or include your pronouns when asking, “Could you please share your pronouns? Mine are [insert pronouns].” This normalizes the practice and helps establish a culture of inclusivity.

Related: Gender-Affirming Care Through Gender Therapy

Origin of the Term "Gender Fluid"

According to Merriam-Webster's online dictionary, the first known use of the term “gender fluid” was in 1993. It was used to describe and validate the experiences of people whose gender identity does not fit within the confines of the traditional binary.

While the exact origin of the term is not attributed to a single source, it gained recognition and usage within the LGBTQ+ community to express the fluid nature of gender. Gender binary continues to serve as a way to highlight the diversity and complexity of gender identities beyond the fixed categories of male and female.

Examples of Gender-Fluid Expression

Gender expression is how you want to be seen and recognized in relation to your gender identity and how you present your gender identity to the world. This may be through your clothing choices, hairstyle, behaviors, and mannerisms.

Society tends to have predefined gender norms and stereotypes associated with each sex. But gender expression can vary and may not necessarily align with societal expectations or traditional gender norms.

There are countless ways to express your gender if you are gender fluid—no "right” or “wrong” way exists. Here are some examples:

• Name change: Some people who are gender fluid change their name or use different variations of their given name to align with and reflect their current gender identity.

• Clothing and style: Some gender-fluid people experiment with different clothing styles, blending elements typically associated with masculinity and femininity. They may opt for a mix of traditionally masculine and feminine attire, creating a unique and personalized expression of their gender.

• Hairstyle: Changing hairstyles is a common way for gender-fluid people to express themselves. They may alternate between different lengths, colors, or styles, exploring various presentations that align with their current sense of self.

• Pronouns: Gender-fluid people may switch pronouns depending on gender identity. They may use he/him, she/her, they/them, or other gender-neutral pronouns or neopronouns that best reflect their sense of self at any given time.

• Social roles and behaviors: People who are gender fluid may challenge traditional gender roles and behaviors, embracing a fluidity in their social interactions and self-expression. They may explore a mix of traditionally masculine and feminine traits, allowing themselves the freedom to express different facets of their personality.

How to Explain Being Gender Fluid to Others

It can be intimidating to explain what it means to be gender fluid to others, especially those unfamiliar with the concept. Whether you are “coming out” as gender fluid, a parent to a gender-fluid child, or an ally to gender-fluid family member or friend, the conversation requires sensitivity and clear communication. 

Here are some tips to help you navigate this conversation:

• Self-reflection: Reflect on your experiences and understanding of your gender identity. Consider how you want to express and share your journey with others and what aspects of being gender fluid are important to convey.

• Education and resources: Gather reliable information about gender fluidity to help educate others. This could include articles, books, websites, or personal stories that can provide understanding.

• Choose the right time and setting: Find a comfortable and private setting to have an open and honest conversation. Ensure that the people you’re talking to are receptive, open-minded, and willing to listen and learn.

• Define "gender fluidity": Begin by clearly defining what being gender fluid means. Explain that gender fluidity refers to a gender identity that can change over time, encompassing a range of gender expressions that may go beyond the traditional binary of male and female.

• Share personal experiences: Open up about your gender journey and share personal anecdotes and experiences that illustrate the fluidity of your gender identity and how it manifests in your daily life. This can help others understand the complexities and nuances of being gender fluid.

• Pronouns and language: Discuss the importance of pronouns and how they are crucial in affirming someone’s gender identity. Emphasize the significance of using correct pronouns to validate and respect your identity.

• Answer questions: Be prepared to answer questions and address any concerns or misunderstandings that may arise. Remember to respond with patience, empathy, and respect, recognizing that not everyone may have the same level of knowledge or understanding about gender fluidity.

• Encourage open dialogue: Foster an atmosphere of open discussion in which others feel comfortable asking questions and seeking clarification. Encourage curiosity and invite them to share their thoughts, ensuring the conversation remains respectful and inclusive.

• Patience and understanding: Understand that it may take time for others to grasp and accept the concept of gender fluidity fully. Be patient and understanding; try to recognize that societal norms and limited exposure to gender diversity likely shaped their perspectives.

Gender-Fluid Support and Resources

Resources and support can go a long way in helping provide a sense of community and understanding to people who are gender fluid and their families and allies. Whether you seek validation, education, or connection, these resources offer a safe space to navigate questions, share experiences, and access vital support networks that can help affirm and celebrate your gender-fluid identity:

• Gender Diversity is an organization that supports and provides resources for transgender and gender-diverse youth, families, and professionals. Its website offers information, support groups, and educational materials.

• Gender Spectrum offers a range of resources and support for gender-diverse children, teens, and their families. Its website features webinars, articles, support groups, and tools to help navigate gender fluidity.

• The Trevor Project is a leading organization focused on crisis intervention and suicide prevention for LGBTQ+ youth. It offers a 24/7 helpline, online chat, and text support for individuals struggling with their gender identity or facing other challenges.

• Human Rights Campaign (HRC) is a prominent LGBTQ+ advocacy organization that promotes equality and support for all gender identities. Its website features comprehensive resources, educational materials, and guides on gender diversity and inclusivity. The organization also offers a range of support programs and initiatives to empower and uplift gender-diverse individuals.

• Online support groups and communities can offer a sense of belonging and connection. Platforms like Reddit, Facebook, and Discord have various LGBTQ+ and gender-identity-focused groups where you can share, seek advice, and share experiences with others who understand and support gender fluidity.

The Gender-Fluid Flag

The gender-fluid flag was created in 2012 to represent the idea that gender can change, fluctuate, and exist beyond the traditional binary. Adorned with five colored stripes (pink, white, purple, black, and blue), the flag reflects the fluidity of gender identities and the spectrum between femininity and masculinity. It is a powerful emblem of the diverse and ever-evolving nature of gender identities.

Summary

Being gender fluid means experiencing a fluctuation or shifting of your gender identity and expression over time. People who are gender fluid may change their pronouns, name, and appearance (gender expression) to reflect how they feel about their gender (their gender identity).

Understanding and respecting gender fluidity is vital for supporting people who are gender fluid and live outside the gender binary. Understanding gender fluidity and maintaining an open dialogue and empathy are key to fostering acceptance and inclusivity for people of all genders.