Straight Talk: Don’t kids who have two dads feel left out of Mother’s Day?
Q: I live next door to a two-dad family, and with Mother's Day coming up I've been wondering what that means for them. Don't their kids feel left out since they don't have a mom? And how do the dads feel? I'm wondering if there's something I can do to help them celebrate the holiday?
Q: I live next door to a two-dad family, and with Mother's Day coming up I've been wondering what that means for them. Don't their kids feel left out since they don't have a mom? And how do the dads feel? I'm wondering if there's something I can do to help them celebrate the holiday?
A: It's true that certain holidays make certain kids feel left out, especially when it's one as loudly - and commercially-- celebrated as Mother's Day. Of course this is not just a gay thing-Mother's Day can be a hard one for the kids of a single straight dad too or for any kid who's lost a mother. And then there's Father's Day, next month, for all the children of single, widowed or lesbian moms to fret over. I think it's wonderful that you want to acknowledge your neighbors' kids. One possibility is writing a "Happy Parent's Day" card or making a batch of cookies with a sweet note.
You'd perhaps be surprised by all the ways LGBT families manage to deal with this issue. Some turn their Mother's Day sentiment toward a neighbor or friend, for instance. Or they celebrate with grandma, a godmother, or an aunt. As a friend of mine wrote me: "This is a day we do special things for any woman who is a special friend." So you might ask your friends in advance if and how they celebrate.
I have also noticed that plenty of gay families without moms simply celebrate their dads on Mother's Day. You could argue that it's all about parenthood, really; the point is giving a card to or in some way fussing over whomever your parent or parents happen to be.
School, of course, can be tricky. It struck me as heartless when my eldest niece, who has two moms, told me that her fourth grade teacher ordered her to make a Father's Day card -- when she didn't have one. More enlightened teachers I've heard of ask their students what special man they'd like to make their Father's Day projects for - a special uncle, or grandfather, for example. I think it often pays for parents and teachers alike to think ahead about these holidays. If everyone is making Mother's Day cards, for instance, it's nice if there are alternative ideas going around, such as cards that say "Happy Mother's Day to my Daddy" or "Happy Mother's Day to my Aunt." (Or even "Happy Mother's Day to my Moms!").
These holidays are one of the reasons that some LGBT parents make a point of talking to teachers about their family structure early on in a school year, although plenty of teachers and plenty of progressive-thinking schools require no prodding at all. Except for my niece's fourth grade teacher.
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To ask Steven Petrow your own question, write him at queeries@live.com. He can be found on the web at www.gayandlesbianmanners.com
