Having 'The Talk' With Your Daughters
By GalTimer Kasey Brough
I remember the day both of my daughters were born. They both looked so beautiful, sweet, innocent. They took my breath away. I couldn't imagine them turning into grown women. Today, those girls are now 13 and 11.
I have had to give this lesson once already and now I am at the brink of giving it again with the second one. I fondly remember when my girls were around the ages of 6 and 4 and I found them in the bathroom playing.
My oldest had found my feminine products and had maxi pads stuck to her forehead, elbows, and knees. I looked at her very quizically and asked her what she was doing and she looked at me very seriously and said " They are my bumper pads so I don't hurt myself, Momma!" I laughed so hard I almost cried! I told her that wasn't the intended use for those and to clean up her mess and come on out of the bathroom, but before I could bat a lash the younger of the two little angels chimes in and says, "Well, what are they for then?" I knew I had opened a can of worms that I wasn't sure I was ready to open.
I told them to gather their toys and go to my room and we'd talk about it. I thought about what my mother had told me growing up. She was a single mother to me and did the best she could and was a firm believer in the "If you are old enough to ask the question, you are old enough for an honest answer". My mother never gave anything nicknames or made up any stories to soften the "blow" to anything about growing up.
She was a nurse and felt that I needed to know the correct terms for everything and what certain things were for and how it all worked. I, being a nurse as well, got out my Anatomy and Physiology book, took it to my bedroom and sat down with my daughters for what I thought was going to be the hardest discussion of my life.
I was so nervous! This was going to be one of those discussions that my daughters were going to remember for the rest of their lives! It was going to impact them in such a profound way and they would share this entire story with their daughters one day. I had a lot riding on this! If I had liquor in the house, believe me, I would have done a couple of shots of it before hand. However, I had no such luck.
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So, off I set with my book in tow to do the best I could with what I had...My mother's guidance and her experience that affected me profoundly so many years before. I sat down and opened by asking them if they had any questions first. They asked what the maxi pads were for. I explained, exactlyr. They both looked a little confused and had a concerned look on their face. At this point. I opened my book.
I explained the difference between boys and girls and told them about how around the time they become teenagers their bodies become ready to go through "practice cycles" to house a baby. (I told them practice cycle because Lord knows I didn't want them thinking at 12 I wanted them out there making babies!) I explained how each month their body will have a period or cycle.
I explained that once they were an adult and they met the man they fell in love with and were going to spend the rest of their lives with, they were ready to make a baby. That seemed to satisfy them. I asked them again if they had any questions. Tthey said no, but the youngest one about killed me. She looked at me with the sweetest little eyes and said, "Well, I hope I don't find a man too quick!" Leave it to my drama diva to say something like that. That little drama diva today has baby making and marriage far away from her mind and is a very smart and dedicated girl who wants to go to medical school to be a doctor.
Just when I thought the hard discussion was over, they dropped another bomb on me...the S bomb to be exact. Yep, you got it, SEX! I had gotten pregnant with their little brother 8 years earlier. They wanted to know how that happened. I don't think I could have told them. "Well, this one time um....". No, that wouldn't work....I had to tell them the truth of the matter. Again, my mother popped into my head (damn you mom!). "If they are old enough to ask, they are old enough to know the answer"...This time was more difficult. I remembered that I had always sworn to be the cool mom about it.The one they could come to about this stuff, the one who had the answers, the one who wouldn't freak out; I'm a nurse for crying out loud! Why was the so hard?! Oh yes, BECAUSE IT'S MY DAUGHTERS!
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I finally broke down baby-making into similarities to baking a cake. It was the best analogy I could come up with. Mom has the egg, Dad has the other ingredients. They are brought together and bake for 9 months in the mommy (oven) and at the end there is a baby. I know it was cheesy, so shoot me! But the most important part was that I explained sex to them. I explained that while sex is wonderful, it is something that should be shared with the person with whom they are in love. Their virginity is something that is very special and sacred and they should hold onto it for as long as possible and be very selective as to whom they choose to give it away.
Face it. People typically no longer wait until they are married to have sex for the first time. I know I wasn't a virgin bride. Because of my mom's advice, though, I at least made it out of high school and did not lose my virginity until I was 18 years old and it was to my daughters' father. I've told them that they should wait until marriage, but if they are thinking about NOT WAITING, please come to me! I'd rather my children communicate with me about what is going on with them. Better than opening any communication with, "I'm pregnant."
Our job as parents is not only to teach our children, but to protect them as well. We can tell them until we are blue in the face to wait and wait and wait some more, but we can't be with them all the time. We can restrict curfews, dating, group activities, but that doesn't always work.
We have to give them a little trust so that we can trust that they will do the right thing and remember everything that we did teach them. Raising children in this day and age is a lot different than it was when our parents had to do it. If my mother were still around I think she'd be floored if she saw what some of my daughters' friends wore and how they acted. I'm thankful that my girls do not dress or act that way and I know that is because I taught them better than that.
When the time comes and you feel the need to scream or hide when they ask those questions, remember what my mother has always told me. Communicate with your children! I can not stress that enough! Know your children! Trust me, they will thank you for it in the long run. It may not be now, tomorrow, next week or next year, but one day they will.
How did you tell your kids? OR, if it hasn't happened yet, what's your plan?
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