Etiquette expert Elizabeth Post dies, takes all hope for good manners with her
Etiquette writer Elizabeth "Libby" Post died on Saturday in Naples, Florida. The granddaughter-in-law of social mores expert Emily Post, Elizabeth took the helm of the Emily Post Institute following the death of its namesake in 1965. She was a longtime columnist at Good Housekeeping, wrote several etiquette books, and took on the task of keeping Emily Post's books au courant as manners relaxed in the 1960s. Fifty years after our culture first started loosening its belt on formality, have manners relaxed too much?
White gloves and ladies in hats are ancient history. But in recent years, we've also said so-long to some of the most time-honored traditions of civilization. The hand-written note. Standing to offer a seat. Rising when a woman gets up from the table. Even something as simple as the childhood lesson of please and thank you. Elizabeth Post would have suggested sending a bouquet to thank a hostess for her dinner party (arriving with them in hand gives her yet another task to attend to). These days most of us are are flat-out delighted if we receive a text saying the chicken was delicious.
Are analog-style mannerists like me just clinging too tightly to the antiquated forms of of the well-behaved? Does a thoughtful text message relay the same message only in an updated medium?
The means by which we say beaucoup de thanks are, by far, not our biggest problem on the manners front. Public cell phone chatter have made us all unwilling citizens in the The Land of TMI, cringing as we overhear the dirty details of bathroom behaviors, marital problems, and sexual proclivities. And never fear: anything missed can be gleaned from Twitter and Facebook status updates.
I am certainly painting a worst case scenario depiction of the scene for the sake of our collected, horrified amusement. But the fact is, so loose and free and let-it-all-hang-out is our culture these days, that many people have mistakenly come to think of manners as stuffy, old-fashioned rules that don't apply to everyday life. Which fork to use with the seafood course, how to introduce a queen to your basset hound, etc. Moreover, manners have gained a bad reputation as being a showy, know-it-all flourish of decorum. Who knows best? I do! I do!Good manners are not running around town pointing out how ill-behaved everyone else is. In reality, manners, at their bare minimum, are just a way to peacefully co-exist.
"Etiquette is meant to smooth the path between people to better relationships," Elizabeth Post is quoted as saying. "It isn't meant to be something restrictive or unpleasant." A person with less elegant phrasing than Post might call it "social grease."
Good manners, at their best, put other people at ease. For example: you invite a dignitary or your dentist to dinner. You envisioned the main course eaten with knife and fork; your guest eats with her hands. Good manners would have you not say a word about her choice and go right along eating and chatting. But exquisite manners would see you (politely) gnaw that chicken bone right along with her.
The Emily Post Institute will continue its work of instructing us all not to behave as goons in business meetings and on Facebook with Elizabeth Post's daughter-in-law Peggy Post at the helm. And the world will, very likely, continue to not listen.
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