Subliminally Standoffish: Secret Signals That Say You’re Unapproachable

Man sees woman at bar. Man smiles at woman. Woman plays cool. Man approaches woman. Woman crosses her arms and leans against the bar. Man walks away.

Woman, confused, bewildered, cries to her girlfriends, "What happened?"

"Crossing your arms makes you look very closed off," says Patti Stanger, host of reality show Millionaire Matchmaker, who's not surprised the scene ended this way. "It clearly sends a message of disinterest."

In Photos: The Dating Rules Of Patti Stanger

Body language cues are just one of the physical and social messages that people send that can put them at risk for appearing unapproachable, disinterested, or, in the case of women, just plain bitchy. And cues commonly discussed in dating scenarios-the arm cross, extreme appearance (from dark lipliner to unisex clothing) or oversharing personal information-can be as harmful to your life professionally as it can personally.

Experts stress that while pointers on approachability may, on the surface, seem like total no-brainers, all are elements of socializing that people struggle to both recognize in themselves and correct. Gian Gonzaga, senior director of research and development ateHarmony labs and author of the new book eHarmony Guide To Dating the Second Time Around, is emphatic that most subconscious actions are deeply rooted in relationship insecurities.

People Gonzaga calls "avoidant" have the mindset that no one will ever like them and so "play it cool." As a result they appear standoffish or disinterested. Conversely, "anxious" personalities are unsure about relationships and lead with over-eager behavior. Think over-sharing, super-touchy, hard-to-shake clingers. Both behaviors are easy to see from the outside, but for many people, they're incredibly difficult to change.

Here, a panel of relationship authorities including Bravo's Patti Stanger, Paul Falzone, CEO of eLove, eHarmony's Gian Gonzaga, dating coach Paulette Kouffman Sherman, author of Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart and Match.com's Whitney Casey help to get to the bottom of the subliminal things women do to sabotage relationships before they even start.

Body Language

"Body language is 75% of a first impression," says Casey. Before anyone even registers what you're wearing, what your hair looks like, how you smell-your body language has sent some very significant signals of approachability.

Top on the list of body language mistakes that women make is crossing her arms over her chest. You know the pose: a woman holds her drink or a pen in one hand, her other arm is crossed over her waist, tucked under her elbow. She looks, well…bored. Is that woman you?

Kouffman Sherman adds that the arm cross is a self-protecting behavior that reveals a defensive side to your personality. Like Gonzaga's "avoidant," crossed arms are a dead give-away that you're putting a barrier between yourself and the world.

Instead, keep your body language open. When standing, keep your arms by your side, never wrapped

around your mid-section. Casey agrees that crossing your arms is always a bad idea-but that crossing your legs can be helpful, especially when used strategically. "Crossing your legs in someone's direction is very welcoming."

Another oft-overlooked signal of approachability on first impact is the smile. Women often complain that they put themselves out there regularly but are rarely approached by men, whether in a social or professional setting. "You practically have to have an Open For Business sign on your head," says Casey. The smile is the sign that says, quite simply, "Yes, I would like to talk to you." Take a look at your at-rest face. Is it more scowl than smile? "Put yourself in front of a mirror," says Falzone. "Practice if you have to. Whatever it takes to put your best foot forward."

Social Behavior

"Don't go out in large groups," cautions Casey, warning against one of the most common pitfalls of women-traveling in packs. "Five or more women is considered a gaggle - no man wants to walk into a chat room." Falzone agrees that large groups of women can be intimidating to a man, who might feel he's breaking up an otherwise good time.

Conversely, two women talking together are troublesome as well, Casey says: "If you are with just one other person, and a man wants to approach you he, has to juggle your friend too." Out on the town on your lonesome? Also a dangerous move. "This can intimidate in a different way," she says. "'What if she's a weirdo?"

"Think three as the magic number." Casey advises. "He picks off one of you…the other two are still there to entertain each other."This rule of three is just as effective in bustling conference rooms as in bustling bars, for men as well as for women. Introducing yourself to a group of ten people is downright scary, as is two who appear locked in conversation.

Once contact is made, approachability-or connectability-lies in early conversation. Often women act aloof in an attempt to protect themselves from disappointment when talking to a potential suitor or business client. Kouffmann Sherman says this is a mistake. "They don't ask questions or appear interested," she says, and the perceived message is quite simply that she's not.

Keep Reading: Secret Signals You're Unapproachable...

In Photos: The Dating Rules Of Patti Stanger