Straight Talk: New York Makes It Six! -- The Top 10 Things You Need to Know About Same-Sex Weddings

Steven Petrow

[Updated on June 25th, 2011]

Last night New York voted to legalize same-sex marriage and thirty days from now you may find yourself receiving an invitation to your son and his fiance's wedding or to the nuptials of two lesbians, whether friends or co-workers. Like many others - straight and gay -- you'll realize that you're now entering an unmapped twilight zone since many of the "rules" for same-sex weddings have yet to be determined.


Not surprisingly, there are gay couples who find that old-school, straight wedding traditions serve them remarkably well in their ceremonies and celebrations: formal invitations, engagement parties, gift registries, and frothy white dresses alongside or well-tailored black tuxedos. Except that "We'll take two, please!"


Still, for many in the gay community, a very strong spirit of invention is at play as we create new roles and rites, not only for ourselves, but for all those in attendance. The good news is that it's up to each couple to make these choices, which will no doubt become the foundation of LGBT wedding traditions to come.


With that in mind, here's what we all need to know about same-sex weddings.

  • Do gay people get engaged? Yes; some of us even get down on bended knee, present a ring, and ask "Will you marry me?" That is, of course, after finding a gay-friendly jeweler who doesn't keep asking about your opposite-sex fiancé.

  • Who pays for the rings? If there's one prevailing custom today, it's that lesbian and gay couples shop together for their rings, and pay for them together. However, if you're planning to surprise your sweetheart with an engagement, then it's on you. Of course, you don't need a ring to show your commitment. Maybe it's time for a new puppy.

  • Do gays need a pre-nup? Maybe - especially if one or both of you has significant assets. After all, legal spouses take on new responsibilities along with those new rights. If you go this route, speak to a lawyer, don't wait until the last minute, and don't pull out an agreement the first time you raise the topic.

  • What's in a name? Using the same name affirms a connection between all the individuals in a family, and more and more gay couples are changing theirs when they marry. For example, a recent wedding announcement of two lesbians noted: "The couple is using the surname Epstein." Of course, others keep their original family names, become hyphenates, or create a brand new name.

  • What do we call each other? It's easy for a married straight couple - husband, wife, and spouse cover all the options. Not so easy - or fast - for committed gay couples, who may use partner, spouse, significant other, lover, and (now) husband or wife. Use what feels right - just be sure to let others know how to refer to you. And if you're a friend or relative and are unsure, ask the happy couple how to introduce them

  • Who pays? The cost of equality is high - the average wedding rings in at about $25,000 these days -- so you'll need to figure out how to pay. More often than not, gay couples foot the cost of their weddings and receptions themselves, although some of us may benefit from family "financing." Tread gently if you're hitting up your folks, who may have saved money for a daughter's wedding and never considered their gay son's. Sometimes, it's about the economy and not anti-gay bias.

  • What about Mom and Dad? Parents and siblings may find that they play a lesser role than they might have in a straight wedding. That may be about who's paying, but it could be that lifelong friends are assigned the roles traditionally played by family members

  • What about the unsupportive ones? The most effective thing you can do is talk directly with any disapproving family members about your love for each other, the commitment you're making, and why marriage matters. But in the end, if you're not feeling the love, save that seat for someone who can stand up for you. As for prospective guests, I like to think that family and friendship trump politics: If you don't think you can keep your quiet, or that you'd be a hypocrite, decline the invitation.

  • What do two brides or two grooms wear? This depends more on the formality of the event than anyone's sexual orientation. It's not important that the couple be dressed like the Doublemint twins -- in matching tuxes, gowns or even Steelers jerseys -- but you do want to look as though you were a couple at the same event rather than two strangers who happened to step in front of the camera at the same time. There will be pictures and witnesses!

  • Do we have to get married? Absolutely not. This legislation is about the right or freedom to marry, which is to say equality. And by the way, it's about civil marriage; churches in New York State are exempt from the provisions of this new law.


Steven Petrow is the author of Steven Petrow's Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners: The Definitive Guide to LGBT Life and can be found online here.