LOVE HOROSCOPE: Seeing stars for the week of September 15th

Em and Lo

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Secret affairs will lead to disaster if you don't control the situation. Shakespeare wasn't making this sh*t up, you know.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
So, you want to be in a relationship? Well, that's all well and good, so long as you're in it for the right reasons. Defenses like "They've got a washing machine," "They give great head," "They don't totally annoy me," and "They're not very smart, so it's easy to deceive them" ain't gonna fly in the court of commitment--Judge Judy would have your ass for breakfast.

10 Better Things About Being in a Relationship

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Love and money will go hand in hand this week. Don't rule out spending some quality time with someone who interests you romantically. Likewise, don't rule out spending some cold hard cash on someone who interests you romantically. If the witty repartee and fun dates don't get you laid, the presents will.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Isn't it always the way? You fall hard for someone and they're emotionally unavailable. Someone digs your scene and you couldn't care less. The imbalance of romantic power--or "hand," as George Costanza used to say--has got to be one of Murphy's Laws. This week, you'll have mad hand. Just be sure you don't rip out someone's heart with it.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
What is it about the V.I.P. room? Okay, so maybe it's the free champagne, the half-dressed hotties and the heavy dose of exclusivity (the ultimate aphrodisiac). Plus--oooh look, there's Lindsay Lohan! This week, you'll have no problem talking your way into the V.I.P. booty room, but are you sure you're ready to follow through? Don't waste your time (and your tightly rolled $50 bills) sweet-talking your way into something (or someone) if you'd rather be home playing board games. (Don't deny it, we know how hot Scrabble gets you.)

5 pickup lines that work!

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
This week, push won't come to shove; push will come to your sorry ass alone and depressed in an empty apartment with no one to screw. Keep your hands to yourself for a while.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You're so f*ing hot. And vice versa. So break out the body glitter, crank the tunes, shake your booty and enjoy it all (and we mean everything) this week.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
When you're looking for a parking space in a crowded city, there are two ways to go about it. You can force your car into the first gap you see, never mind the dents you cause or the fire hydrants you block or the Chihuahuas you squash. Or, you can drive around patiently until you find the space that fits your car just so, the one you can glide into smoothly using those parallel parking skills you're famous for. It may take a while, but think of the money you'll save on insurance, parking tickets and lawsuits (some people are quite attached to their dogs). Be the patient parker this week, even if your partner is being as stubborn as a fire hydrant.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Remember those T-shirts that said "Chicks dig feminists"? Yeah well, it's true: Sensitivity gets you laid. Take a socially responsible and/or politically conscious viewpoint this week and run with it. Lines such as "I like to play bingo with old people" and "Stray cats make me cry" will open bedroom doors all over town.

20 things every woman deserves from the guy in her life

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This week, you'll be putting the rico back in suave.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You have been letting physical attraction overrule intellectual appeal. What are you, human or something? You don't have to date anyone who got beat with the ugly stick, but you might want to at least rule out anyone who can't name our president.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
If you wouldn't buy a car from a fast-talking salesman, why would you buy a line from a fast-talking pick-up artist? Be a smart sex consumer and shop around for the best deal out there


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