It's Complicated Advice Q&A: Is This Guy Worth My Time?

Redbook


I am a divorced single mother of three. I have been dating a man for a year and a half now who is eight years younger than I am, has never been married, and has no children. The first six months were great, but then suddenly I was the one always making the 70-mile drive to see him. He tells me he loves me, but when I start talking about our future, he closes up and says he doesn't know what he wants. He's also made it clear that he won't move to where I live so we can be together, and I don't want to move to where he's living until my oldest child is finished with high school. Am I fighting a losing battle? Or do you think it's worse to throw away the last year and a half?

--G.S., 36, Norfolk, NE


It sounds as if your guy is being honest with you: He loves you, but he really doesn't know what he wants. That's fair. Committing to another person is terrifying under the best of circumstances and, for better or for worse, you come with a ready-made family--serious stuff. I think it speaks to his character that he's hesitant; it would be more worrisome if he skipped out on his current life without giving it any thought. Also, you don't want your kids developing an attachment to some guy who won't be sticking around.

Related: 7 Things He's Not Telling You

Instead, why don't you step back and refocus your attention on your own life for a while? You've got three kids who I'm sure command a lot of your time and energy. I assume you've also got friends, a job, and hopefully a silly pet or two. Don't break up with your guy--just stop pushing. Pushing solves nothing, ever. Aside from the fact that it can make someone run for the hills, we get so involved in lobbying for what we think we want that we lose sight of the bigger picture, which is, in your case: Is this relationship giving you what you need?

Related: The Best Mom Moments

So even though there's a lot of uncertainty here (the distance, his ambivalence), sit tight for now--and stay tuned in to what's best for you. Your guy might still one day come around, or you might decide you're not that into him. But for now, respect his reservations. And let him make the next 70-mile drive.

Karen Karbo is an award-winning writer and author of The Gospel According to Coco Chanel: Life Lessons from the World's Most Elegant Woman. She's also a mom, a writing teacher, and a horse owner. Check out more advice from Karen.

Need smart advice?
Maybe your best friend is suddenly acting strangely. Or your parents or in-laws are making you nuts. Or your sister always takes your mom's side in an argument, instead of yours. Whatever's bugging or perplexing you - about your friends, brother, sister, parents, in-laws, husband, you name it - REDBOOK's Karen Karbo has the smart advice you need. Email your questions, rants, and worries to her at karenkarbo@redbookmag.com and please include your initials, age, city and state. Letters may be edited for clarity and length.

More from REDBOOK:



Connect with REDBOOK:

Permissions:
Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.